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Post by Maria on Aug 27, 2021 19:55:02 GMT
The other night I was watching The Dark Knight Rises, which for quite a while was one of my favourite films. While watching, I remembered when it first came out, and how I saw the massive arms on Tom Hardy and Christian Bale and thought "I want that". Which now seems really odd to say, although I think a lot of trans women do often tend towards hyper-masculine activities prior to their egg cracking. A large part of it was vanity I think, but also wanting to be/look strong so that I could "take care of myself".
So I just wondered if anyone else had done (or does) anything to hide who they truly are from others/themselves.
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Post by Lily on Aug 27, 2021 21:54:47 GMT
I think the most notable thing I did was to mis-interpret those few times people "mis-gendered" me or thought I was trying to appear feminine. I used my dislike and discomfort of those instances as being proof that "I can't be trans because I didn't like being called a woman". Of course it was because I had no conception of the fact that I was anything other than male, after all that was what the whole world had told me I was ever since I was born. Also because I couldn't possibly be trans that meant my desire to wear female attire was something else, probably something sordid.
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Post by Jessica on Aug 28, 2021 21:46:48 GMT
I think a lot, might even say the majority of trans women do this. I often wonder if my love of beer and sports comes from this desire to fit in or if it is legit. I will never know but it has served me well.
As I have said before, sometimes I feel like I am both genders, or genderfluid. My likes and desires change with that feeling. When I am feeling more manly I will drift towards different things than when I am feeling more girly. For example, I will often sip wine when I am dressing en femme, but drink beer most of the rest of the time.
But I like sports either way haha.
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Post by Kelli Ann on Sept 5, 2021 20:37:56 GMT
I totally agree.
When I am in guy mode I love guy things. I love looking at female breasts, butts, nice legs and everything a straight man looks at in a woman. But I am also a hunter and when in the woods setting in a tree stand I am passing my time reading crossdressing and transgender related books on my phone. That is some of the only time I can indulge with a feminine mind while doing a male activity because it is the only times I can actually be by myself all day. It sounds crazy but as long as I have a feminine activity to keep me entertained I could care less if a deer even comes close to my stand.
Oh the things us ladies can admit here. I love it!
Huggs,
Kelli
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Post by chloé on Sept 6, 2021 19:23:53 GMT
I have to admit that when I see movies whith manly men, I’m more attracted by the female character, but not in the way Everyone think. I’m jealous of her. When I’m in guy mode, everytime I do something I do it like a man, because I’m one but deeply, I hope to do it as a woman. My nature and my education lead me to do it as a man. With my body it would be difficult to do it with a feminine way. I understood my trans identity when, in the majority of time I’m in front of a situation, I’m more in a feminine way, my feminine way. I think of me as Chloé, and the more important is that I don’t feel any shame of it. Because I know that this is a real part of me. Inconsciously, I let Chloé living in my actions. I like my life because it is a good life but something is not complete…. And you know better than anyone which one. 💋 Chloé
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Post by Maria on Sept 6, 2021 22:07:30 GMT
Hmm, see in terms of likes/dislikes I've never felt like I really have a guy mode and a girl mode. I just have me, which I now realise is female. The closest to guy mode would be presenting as male while in public, but that's not me feeling closer to being male, it's basically just putting on an act.
Even at school before I even knew what being trans was, let alone that it was me, I never really had those "guy" inclinations. The boys around me would be talking about sports and TV and those things didn't interest me, so I stopped hanging around with them. The problem (if it was one, really) was that this meant I didn't really spend much time with anyone at school, and was fairly solitary whenever I could be.
Going back to my Batman-based realisation; as I say, it just feels weird now that that was me. But looking back, I didn't feel more male or anything. I haven't had a massive personality shift or anything, I was still me then - just with a lot more inner turmoil about the fact that I felt different to all the other guys in the world and had no idea why. Just for some reason, I also wanted arms the size of a log lmao. I wonder if that's why I always failed though - that subconsciously I knew it wasn't right and so would always be doing at least one thing to sabotage my progress.
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Post by Lily on Sept 7, 2021 9:44:09 GMT
I am of a similiar mind to Maria on this. I am just me as I have always been, but now I have a better idea as to who that really is. Any action or thought that might be considered male has arisen from years of social conditioning, I have fallen into habits and behaviours which are deemed acceptable for men, at least those that didn't feel too uncomfortable. Had I been raised as female those would be different. I wonder if some of these differences in our group arise from having and not having wives, or working in male environments? Neither apply to me, and so I rarely have to perform any gender specific role or tasks. That row I had last week was probably the first time in a very long time that I really had to do so. I was the brother protecting his sister, and the uncle taking his nephew to task. Even then in the end, I became the aunt hugging and consoling her nephew. Again like Maria, I did not get on with anyone at my secondary school, and mostly kept myself to myself. None of the male friends I've made over the years have been strongly masculine, and have tended to have been quiter types or misfits. I am both of those of course There has been some mention of beer. in this discussion. Do women not drink beer in the US? I've known plenty of English women who like their beer and sports.
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Post by Jessica on Sept 7, 2021 13:51:41 GMT
You may be right Sandi about the differences in our life experiences leading to the differences in how we see the world.
I have also read the idea that transness is a spectrum. Some people are all the way on one side. You feel 100% like a woman all the time. Some people are more in the middle. They don't fully identify with their birth assigned gender, but also don't feel 100% the opposite gender and sit somewhere in between. I think that is where I sit. Although, as I said before, my first wish would be to become a woman if I met a genie in a bottle. I think I am more woman than man......but I do think I do sit somewhere in between on the spectrum. The male side of me has developed quite a bit as well.
Now whether that has to do with biology or my life experiences developing that side of me.....I cannot say.
As for your question about beer and sports.....there are plenty of women over here who love both. But I will say that women are more likely to drink a fruity drink, or wine, than men over here. My wife hates beer. But its definitely not unusual for women to drink beer in the US. My wife hates beer but loves whisky.
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Post by Jessica on Sept 7, 2021 13:53:26 GMT
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Post by Lily on Sept 7, 2021 15:04:47 GMT
You may be right Sandi about the differences in our life experiences leading to the differences in how we see the world. I have also read the idea that transness is a spectrum. Some people are all the way on one side. You feel 100% like a woman all the time. Some people are more in the middle. They don't fully identify with their birth assigned gender, but also don't feel 100% the opposite gender and sit somewhere in between. I think that is where I sit. Although, as I said before, my first wish would be to become a woman if I met a genie in a bottle. I think I am more woman than man......but I do think I do sit somewhere in between on the spectrum. The male side of me has developed quite a bit as well. Now whether that has to do with biology or my life experiences developing that side of me.....I cannot say. As for your question about beer and sports.....there are plenty of women over here who love both. But I will say that women are more likely to drink a fruity drink, or wine, than men over here. My wife hates beer. But its definitely not unusual for women to drink beer in the US. My wife hates beer but loves whisky. We are what we are. The hows and whys don't really matter. It is how we feel inside that does. No matter what, we are all 100% ourselves. From my own experience, I struggled with how I thought of myself. I read the various definitions of where I might lie on the MrF spectrum, and none of them really matched. How was/am I to know when I might feel like a woman and feel like a man? The feelings of being a woman were/are easy to identify. The feelings of being a man less so. I can easily feel gender euphoria by dressing up, and also that strong desire to have borne children. What would be similar experiences for feeling like a man? Does the fact I have to ask signify anything? It probably does. I couldn't identify anything male about myself so arrived at the conclusion that for now I say that I am a trans woman. I had wondered if I was temporarily rejecting the male side of me, because I needed to finally fully embrace the female. However the surprising sensation of wanting to be a mother put an end to those thoughts. I kid about the beer, it was just the way you brought it up. However there is societal pressure to drink particular drinks depending on the gender you are perceived to be, but I won't go into that here and now. Are you a Ben Fold Five fan, or just know that song?
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Post by Jessica on Sept 8, 2021 14:21:12 GMT
I am definitely a Ben Folds fan!
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Post by Lily on Sept 8, 2021 15:11:32 GMT
I am definitely a Ben Folds fan! That's really pleasing to know. My late friend got me into them. Not to get too morbid, but two of their songs were played at his funeral. My favourite of theirs is Julianne.
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Post by Maria on Sept 9, 2021 13:49:04 GMT
I know exactly what you mean about "what would it feel like and/or cause those positive feelings from being male". Actually this has just reminded of something that I thought of while I was on holiday a couple of weeks ago, and meant to write about when I got back and then completely forgot. I'll put that in its own thread though, as I can see that being it's own deep little rabbit-hole lol.
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Post by Jessica on Sept 9, 2021 15:25:18 GMT
I am definitely a Ben Folds fan! That's really pleasing to know. My late friend got me into them. Not to get too morbid, but two of their songs were played at his funeral. My favourite of theirs is Julianne. One of my top 3 favorite artists probably. Both with the Five and solo.
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Post by Lily on Sept 10, 2021 12:16:26 GMT
That's really pleasing to know. My late friend got me into them. Not to get too morbid, but two of their songs were played at his funeral. My favourite of theirs is Julianne. One of my top 3 favorite artists probably. Both with the Five and solo. This conversation has inspired me to play "Whatever and Ever, Amen" all the way through. What a terrific album it is. The lyrics to "Kate" resonated a bit more this time. There's Ben singing about this really amazing young woman he knows, but he doesn't want Kate, he wants to be her. Do you have any particular favourite songs of his, either solo or with the Five?
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