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Post by Lily on Aug 8, 2021 17:34:43 GMT
I just gave myself the oddest sense of dysphoria, that I need to share with you all.
Way back in June when I first started using Faceapp, I used it on a very old picture of me from when I was little. I can't quite tell the age but let's say around 3. That may be quite weird of me, but I did it anyway, it is me in the photo after all. It is just me in it too by the way. All it did was give little Sandi long hair. I've been looking at that photo today, thinking of the life I might have had at that age had I been AFAB. About 10 minutes ago I thought I'd compare with the original just to remind myself what had been changed. However now I was looking at it the other way round. It was if I had had my long hair cut short and made to look like a boy. It made me sad and a little upset. Overall it felt and still feels very strange.
Girls, do you think this mean I'm trans? lol
xox,
Sandi
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Post by Maria on Aug 8, 2021 21:01:27 GMT
I haven't had it with old photos (I don't have any old digital ones to hand to try it on), but I've had exactly the same thing when I've done it to modern day photos. I've then seen the original in my phone gallery and thought "urgh no, that's the one where I look male, no thank you".
I think the most obvious is when I'm looking through my Google drive. I have the first photo I ever took of myself dressed in gender-appropriate clothing (which is only from the waist down) on there, and there are also some videos I've taken of myself playing guitar for practice purposes, which have thumbnails which are shots of me playing.
Every single time I look through, no matter how I'm feeling that day, when I see the thumbnails it 100% does not feel like I'm looking at a picture of me. When I see the thumbnail for that picture though... 100%, that's me.
Thinking now, I do the same thing with my FB profile picture. It was a professionally taken shot at one of our first gigs back after the lockdown, so I used FaceApp on that (following Chloe's advice that better picture = better result!) Now whenever I'm on Facebook and see it, I feel sad that it's the "wrong" version, and isn't really me :/
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Post by Lily on Aug 9, 2021 7:46:23 GMT
I haven't had it with old photos (I don't have any old digital ones to hand to try it on), but I've had exactly the same thing when I've done it to modern day photos. I've then seen the original in my phone gallery and thought "urgh no, that's the one where I look male, no thank you". I think the most obvious is when I'm looking through my Google drive. I have the first photo I ever took of myself dressed in gender-appropriate clothing (which is only from the waist down) on there, and there are also some videos I've taken of myself playing guitar for practice purposes, which have thumbnails which are shots of me playing. Every single time I look through, no matter how I'm feeling that day, when I see the thumbnails it 100% does not feel like I'm looking at a picture of me. When I see the thumbnail for that picture though... 100%, that's me. Thinking now, I do the same thing with my FB profile picture. It was a professionally taken shot at one of our first gigs back after the lockdown, so I used FaceApp on that (following Chloe's advice that better picture = better result!) Now whenever I'm on Facebook and see it, I feel sad that it's the "wrong" version, and isn't really me :/ In my experience of using Faceapp, the originals are all me until I start applying the filters. As soon as that happens I see the true me, the woman behind the AMAB mask. The originals are now just the rough first sketches of who I really am. I don't hate the original photos but. like you say, they are the wrong version.
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Post by Lily on Aug 9, 2021 8:20:13 GMT
As a folow-up to my reaction to the before and after of Little Sandi, I want to share something I experienced before getting out of bed this morning. If I don't share it here then I never will anywhere. I was imagining Little Sandi, i.e. 3-year old me, playing around and being dressed up prettily as many little girls are. Typically for me, I was thinking just how adorable I would have been, surely much prettier than my sister I was thinking of how I would've been the apple of my father's eye. I would have been his little princess, and I thought about how much he would've doted on me. I was sad how that never happened. The combination of that sadness combined with memories of my daddy (as I called him) made me cry more than a little, I am doing so now as I type this. I have to say that part of me deems that feeling a bit silly. That never could have happened so why be so sad about it. However I also know that such feelings should not be supressed but acknowledged instead. It is not silly at all for a trans woman like myself to think of the life I might have had if my body matched my gender. To be sad as a result of those thoughts is to be human. To constantly look back at the life I never had would be concerning, and am glad to say I don't do that. However rejecting the genuine emotions I have does me no good either. Sandi
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Post by Maria on Aug 9, 2021 9:36:29 GMT
I haven't had it with old photos (I don't have any old digital ones to hand to try it on), but I've had exactly the same thing when I've done it to modern day photos. I've then seen the original in my phone gallery and thought "urgh no, that's the one where I look male, no thank you". I think the most obvious is when I'm looking through my Google drive. I have the first photo I ever took of myself dressed in gender-appropriate clothing (which is only from the waist down) on there, and there are also some videos I've taken of myself playing guitar for practice purposes, which have thumbnails which are shots of me playing. Every single time I look through, no matter how I'm feeling that day, when I see the thumbnails it 100% does not feel like I'm looking at a picture of me. When I see the thumbnail for that picture though... 100%, that's me. Thinking now, I do the same thing with my FB profile picture. It was a professionally taken shot at one of our first gigs back after the lockdown, so I used FaceApp on that (following Chloe's advice that better picture = better result!) Now whenever I'm on Facebook and see it, I feel sad that it's the "wrong" version, and isn't really me :/ In my experience of using Faceapp, the originals are all me until I start applying the filters. As soon as that happens I see the true me, the woman behind the AMAB mask. The originals are now just the rough first sketches of who I really am. I don't hate the original photos but. like you say, they are the wrong version. I really like how you put it into words - summed up perfectly. Not to do with photos, but I had another unusual experience of dysphoria last night as I was about to sleep. I was lying on my front, slightly propped up on my elbows looking over the edge of the bed for something. As I was looking, I noticed that I actually had like a small amount of cleavage, and felt really sad. Not because it was there, but because it wasn't bigger. That's a totally normal thing for a cis guy to feel, right? RIGHT? š
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Post by Maria on Aug 9, 2021 9:41:31 GMT
As a folow-up to my reaction to the before and after of Little Sandi, I want to share something I experienced before getting out of bed this morning. If I don't share it here then I never will anywhere. I was imagining Little Sandi, i.e. 3-year old me, playing around and being dressed up prettily as many little girls are. Typically for me, I was thinking just how adorable I would have been, surely much prettier than my sister I was thinking of how I would've been the apple of my father's eye. I would have been his little princess, and I thought about how much he would've doted on me. I was sad how that never happened. The combination of that sadness combined with memories of my daddy (as I called him) made me cry more than a little, I am doing so now as I type this. I have to say that part of me deems that feeling a bit silly. That never could have happened so why be so sad about it. However I also know that such feelings should not be supressed but acknowledged instead. It is not silly at all for a trans woman like myself to think of the life I might have had if my body matched my gender. To be sad as a result of those thoughts is to be human. To constantly look back at the life I never had would be concerning, and am glad to say I don't do that. However rejecting the genuine emotions I have does me no good either. Sandi I don't think that sounds silly at all - you are mourning moments in your life that never came to pass. That's just as much of a loss as things you did have that are now gone. *Hugs*
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Post by Lily on Aug 9, 2021 10:48:48 GMT
I don't think that sounds silly at all - you are mourning moments in your life that never came to pass. That's just as much of a loss as things you did have that are now gone. *Hugs* Bless you Maria (I am a Goddess so I can do that). I have been thinking it was weird to do that to that old photo of me. Thank you for helping to make it not weird. I went on a bit further and imagined me at primary school. In the summer all the girls got to wear a different uniform, effectively a summer dress. I was imagining myself wearing that playing with the girls. I still remember the names of two of my favourites from that time, Emma and Zoe. Oh well, at least I have all of you and the others to play with now.
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Post by Jessica on Aug 10, 2021 14:13:32 GMT
I wouldn't worry to much about being weird. Haha we are all pretty weird by the classical definition based solely on who we are. Looking at old pictures is about the least weird thing we could do haha. That ship has sailed with the whole "closeted trans girl" thing anyway.
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Post by Lily on Aug 10, 2021 15:15:58 GMT
I wouldn't worry to much about being weird. Haha we are all pretty weird by the classical definition based solely on who we are. Looking at old pictures is about the least weird thing we could do haha. That ship has sailed with the whole "closeted trans girl" thing anyway. Others outside of this forum can think I'm as weird as hell and ultimately I wouldn't care. F**k them what do they know? However if any of my fellow trans girls here thought I was weird then that would have bothered me. I say "would have" because it's clear that you don't, at least not about this
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Post by Lily on Aug 10, 2021 15:18:41 GMT
Would anyone like to see that photo of Little Sandi?
I will share via a DM to everyone with any positive expression of interest.
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Post by Maria on Aug 10, 2021 17:03:42 GMT
Would anyone like to see that photo of Little Sandi? I will share via a DM to everyone with any positive expression of interest. Yes please
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Post by Jessica on Aug 11, 2021 13:01:56 GMT
I wouldn't worry to much about being weird. Haha we are all pretty weird by the classical definition based solely on who we are. Looking at old pictures is about the least weird thing we could do haha. That ship has sailed with the whole "closeted trans girl" thing anyway. Others outside of this forum can think I'm as weird as hell and ultimately I wouldn't care. F**k them what do they know? However if any of my fellow trans girls here thought I was weird then that would have bothered me. I say "would have" because it's clear that you don't, at least not about this You'd have to go pretty far off the deep end to get judgement from this group! Haha!
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