|
Post by Lily on Aug 19, 2021 18:45:41 GMT
In the past hour I have just experienced the feeling of wanting to be a mother.
In the past few weeks occaisonally I have had bouts of an extreme need to hug, to express all the love I have to share through that form of physical affection. It has very much been feeling of wanting to hug not wanting one for myself. However there is no-one here for me to do that, my sister doesn't really like it very much, so even a "brotherly" hug is out of the question. I also can't hug my nephew because he'd think it weird. Also during that time I experienced my first feeling of being his aunt, not his uncle, and got quite upset at the fact that I can't fulfill that role. A lot of that again is to do with showing signs of physical aftection. I would love to show them both signs of either sisterly or auntly affection, but they'd think it odd because they see the man they think I am.
Anyway, I had been feeling a bit blue and mentally tired this afternoon. In the past five days or so I have been spending a lot of time around the house, not dressing up very much and not really allowing myself time or room to process everything. To deal with this I put on my swimsuit and skirt and just had a quiet lay down under the duvet. I experienced an intense urge to hug again. I had looked up what to do when that happens, and had seen some advice to hug a big pilllow as tight as you can. I haven't really got one of those, but I do have a teddy bear. It's just in my room, I never pick it up and cuddle it. However I thought why not give it a go, it won't do any harm. So I picked it up and started giving it the tightest hug I could possibly manage. Then something happened ...
I genuinely felt great joy and comfort from doing that. Then from somewhere I started to imagine this stuffed toy to be my child, perhaps my baby and started referring to myself as her mummy. I felt an intense rush through my body, similar to when I first experience gender euphoria from dressing up for the first time, and even more similar to when I first admitted to myself out loud that I was a trans woman. It was then clear to me that this was a inherent desire inside me that I never knew I had - a desire to be a mother. That rush was not a one-off, I have been able to repeat it. I've even given my baby bear a name, and tried to tie a ribbon on her, while also imagining dressing her up. I know it's just a cuddly toy, an inanimate object, but all those feelings inside of me are there just the same. It feels both silly and extremely childish, but at the same time it feels so comfortable and makes me happy. A similar positive sensation to that of simply wearing women's clothes does.
It seems my brain is slowly developing my female side. In the same way cis girls slowly develop and express their desire for motherhood, that is happening to me. The big difference being that I'm in my early 50's, and rationally know that I could never have borne children, that I would be too old to do so now anyway, and that I do not wish to become a parent at my age. I have also expressed in the Sexuality section the recent changes I've experienced on that front too. It's very much the case that now I've removed all the barriers, my subconcious has been given free reign to develop my feminiity the way it should have always been developed.
What are your thoughts on all this?
Thanks,
Sandi
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Aug 20, 2021 0:48:06 GMT
Just wanted to add a bit to this 5 hours later.
Though that was a pleasurable experience that I fully embraced, and one I am looking back on it with some fondness, it the most disconcerting experience I've had in my journey of self-discovery. It was just so very far from where I was two months ago. Also I've never had any strong feelings to being a parent before, and so it was so very new. It was all coming from within, but it felt like I was someone very different, almost like a young girl playing with her doll.
In conclusion I could really do with some help and guidance with this new feeling I had, someone to either hold my hand or shine a light on it.
xox,
Sandi
|
|
|
Post by Jessica on Aug 20, 2021 13:17:08 GMT
Hmmm, I don't really know what to say on this. I haven't had any experience like this so I really can't relate as well. I am a dad, and I actually enjoy being a dad. I think its one of my favorite things about presenting male. I don't know if I would prefer to be a mom over a dad (all else equal of course). I like the role I play in my kids' lives relative to my wife's role.
As for you.....I would say this is probably just your next step in your rapid development. It does follow along with all of the other things you have experienced over the last couple months so it makes sense. I hope that you are able to manage all of these feeling/changes that are coming at the same time! It would probably overwhelm me if I am being honest!
Let me know how this progresses. I hope it becomes a positive aspect of your life!
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Aug 21, 2021 1:50:35 GMT
It's very much a natural progression from everything else that I've developed. It all fits doesn't it. It's further evidence that shows that I am a trans woman. I just did not expect my womanhood to manifest in this way. I certainly was not trying to generate any maternal feelings when I decided to hug that bear of mine.
Today (Friday) I have not shyed away from those feelings. I suppose you could say that I have literally embraced them. It would be foolish of me to push those feelings to one side, to ignore or repress them. This is as much a part of who I am as all the other things I have discovered. I have hugged my "baby" bear some more today and got similar sensations as yesterday. Through thinking other maternal thoughts, I got physical sensations in my body on top of the happy or comforting emotions that I felt. It is a nice feeling and I very much enjoy experiencing it. I've been reflecting more on what the sensation was/is, and how best to describe it. I've said that it felt like I was a different person. The best comparison I can make is that in the same way your rational side gets overtaken by your carnal desire, the erotic haze where there's only that one thing on your mind, mine was overtaken by a desire to love and nurture, to hug and hold, to be a mother, and to take care of my imaginary child. I think that best describes why it felt like I was a different person.
I think that this says a lot as to how hard-wired this is to the female psyche. That despite neither having the parts, nor the right hormones, nor the social conditioning, that this is something I can feel very deeply within me.
Thanks for the opportunity to share this experience with you. I really don't know how I would cope if I had to keep that all to myself.
xox,
Sandi
|
|
|
Post by Kelli Ann on Aug 21, 2021 12:30:52 GMT
Hey Sandi,
I really admire your journey into the path of being a trans woman. You have came a long way.
I am a dad of two beautiful adult daughters and I cherish being a parent and put that a priority in my life. Parenthood in my mind is one of the most important things any human can participate in.
In my mind and unprofessional opinion if you are having these fantastic maternal needs and feelings then you have definitely crossed the threshold into the wonderful world of womanhood.
Being a parent is one of the main reasons I cannot come out to my family to reveal my true self. I am afraid of losing them because like my beautiful wife they will never look at me the same and in my mind my family is much more important than me living my feminine dreams.
I definitely have feminine desires and emotions but have never experienced what you are experiencing maternally. That definitely seals the deal for me that you are indeed a trans woman and I admire your courage for sharing that with us.
Huggs,
Kelli
|
|
|
Post by Jessica on Aug 21, 2021 14:35:41 GMT
Hey Sandi, I really admire your journey into the path of being a trans woman. You have came a long way. I am a dad of two beautiful adult daughters and I cherish being a parent and put that a priority in my life. Parenthood in my mind is one of the most important things any human can participate in. In my mind and unprofessional opinion if you are having these fantastic maternal needs and feelings then you have definitely crossed the threshold into the wonderful world of womanhood. Being a parent is one of the main reasons I cannot come out to my family to reveal my true self. I am afraid of losing them because like my beautiful wife they will never look at me the same and in my mind my family is much more important than me living my feminine dreams. I definitely have feminine desires and emotions but have never experienced what you are experiencing maternally. That definitely seals the deal for me that you are indeed a trans woman and I admire your courage for sharing that with us. Huggs, Kelli Kelli Ann you and I are very much in a similar spot. My little ones are still quite little (2.5 years and 7 months), but otherwise I feel the same way. As for you, Sandi, I think KA put it about as well as I could. Just more evidence on the pile, not that you probably needed any more!
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Aug 22, 2021 0:35:02 GMT
Kelli, Jessica,
Thanks for your messages of support. I did not expect anything different, but the fact that you are so accepting of this makes it easier for me to do so.
I have been hot and cold on this today. I have been embracing it and enjoying it, but also thinking what I can do about this in the medium-to-long term. I do not want the fact that I'll never be a mother, or a father for that matter, be a major source of pain and regret for me. I'll have to work that out, but will try not to force anything, thinking that there might be a quick and easy solution. One thought has been getting a pet, but that's just not an option right now, and I'm not sure I really want one anyway.
I have been looking at baby dolls on Amazon, figuring that if I'm needing to let this maternal side of me out I may as well do so on something that at least looks like a baby, and not a stuffed toy bear. There were a few relatively inexpensive ones that I liked, however they all have to be delivered to my home. I could see if there's any in the shops in town. On one hand it feels extremely odd that I'm wanting to do this, on the other denying myself this would be the same as denying myself dressing up. It is all of course part of the same thing, the way I need to express my womanhood.
xox,
Sandi
|
|
|
Post by Kelli Ann on Aug 22, 2021 1:18:51 GMT
Hey Sandi,
This may sound crazy but what about adopting a baby. Adoption is one of the most respected, noble, and important things anyone can do.
Just an idea.
Huggs,
Kelli
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Aug 22, 2021 2:42:46 GMT
Hey Sandi, This may sound crazy but what about adopting a baby. Adoption is one of the most respected, noble, and important things anyone can do. Just an idea. Huggs, Kelli It's not crazy at all, it's that I'm in no position to do so financially or logistically. At the moment I wouldn't pass any adoption agency assessment. That situation isn't going to change anytime soon. I'd be getting towards 60 before that could happen. It would be different if I had a partner but that's not the case. I'd already gotten used to the idea that I left it too late to have children. This new feeling I have has greatly changed my perspective on that, but I still know that I won't have any.
|
|
|
Post by Maria on Aug 22, 2021 11:24:59 GMT
That's really interesting that that desire came on so strong, and almost seemingly from nowhere by the sounds of it! I remember as a fairly young child asking if I could get a doll from the toy shop, to be my "sibling". Whether that role I was imposing was a rationalisation or not I don't know, but either way, not a toy that a 6-8 year old boy (I can't remember exactly how old I was) would normally ask for. Nowadays of course things are quite different as I have an actual child to care for! And being a single parent, I almost take on both roles simultaneously. So in terms of other ways to nurture and feed that side of you, I don't really have any strategies or anything to draw from :/ Off the top of my head the only idea I can think of is that maybe there is an app or something? Like a tamagotchi used to be for pets, but for a child instead? But then that wouldn't have any actual physical connection, so maybe wouldn't work as well... I will keep thinking and maybe I'll come up with something better
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Aug 22, 2021 13:07:54 GMT
That's really interesting that that desire came on so strong, and almost seemingly from nowhere by the sounds of it! I remember as a fairly young child asking if I could get a doll from the toy shop, to be my "sibling". Whether that role I was imposing was a rationalisation or not I don't know, but either way, not a toy that a 6-8 year old boy (I can't remember exactly how old I was) would normally ask for. Nowadays of course things are quite different as I have an actual child to care for! And being a single parent, I almost take on both roles simultaneously. So in terms of other ways to nurture and feed that side of you, I don't really have any strategies or anything to draw from :/ Off the top of my head the only idea I can think of is that maybe there is an app or something? Like a tamagotchi used to be for pets, but for a child instead? But then that wouldn't have any actual physical connection, so maybe wouldn't work as well... I will keep thinking and maybe I'll come up with something better You remind me of a couple of things there Maria. I remember often wishing I had a little sister when I was young, and that it would be so that I would have someone to take care of. I'd always put that down as to just wanting more company, and perhaps not getting on with my older siblings. When I played Sims 3 about 10 years I remember enjoying raising the triplets my Sim couple had. It didn't stir any particularly strong feelings then, but I bet that now it really would. The only other instance I can recall was when my oldest nephew was young, I remember one occaison being very taken with how cute and adorable he looked in what he was wearing. I have to say that was quite strong at the time, that's why I remember it, and I both struggled to express that and really make sense of it. Other than that there hasn't really been anything of note. I've seen couples with babies and young kids, and while I have had certain pangs they were very fleeting, probably there just in the moment. Of course I interpreted this from a potential father's point of view, not that of a mother.
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Aug 23, 2021 20:57:21 GMT
As I've said this has been very disconcerting. Also it has starkly reminded me that I don't have any children of my own. There's really no googling any advice as to how to healthily deal with these feelings. I've decided to roll with it, and try a few things that might help. They may not be of permanent benefit, but if they can make me feel better right now then that's still doing me good. I went into town this afternoon shopping for a baby doll. Unlike shopping for women's clothes, no-one could possibly realise the real reason I would be doing that. They're only going to think I'm buying for a very young relative of mine. I went around a few shops, and even got offers of help, eventually I found a toy shop that had a good selection. The way they were packaged I was easily able to feel all those I was interested in, this made it much better than buying online. I chose her because she was much softer than the others, only her head, hands and feet are plastic, the rest is stuffed fabric. Also she doesn't need much tending to, others needed more care and attention. Once I made my choice, I took her to the counter and bought her. It didn't feel great cramming the box into my rucksack, a little sad in fact. It was hardly the ideal way to take your baby home for the first time, even though she's just a doll. After I had my tea and did everything else I needed to do this evening, I got her out of the box and started holding her. It felt as nice as before, and a bit more appropriate. The bear was OK, but it's a bear. not a baby girl. The doll will be nice to hug whenever I have that need. I have given her a name and a pet name, just calling her baby didn't feel right. Here's a link to the doll if you want to see what she looks like. It does feel very odd buying a doll, and hugging her like my daughter, but I had to do something about those very strong emotions I have. My inclination is that these are based on a desire to have a baby to hold and cherish, rather than raise a child. Hope you can see the distinction. I've had other indicators since Thursday that tell me I would like to get pregnant and have babies. Not so much the indicators that I'm really interested in raising a child through infancy and all the way to adulthood. In other words it's all about the babies and not child rearing. xox, Sandi
|
|
|
Post by Jessica on Aug 24, 2021 13:46:28 GMT
I don't want to leave you hanging, but I just don't have much to say about this. This is not something I have experienced. It follows from some of your other forms of self discovery. I hope you are able to sort it out in a healthy way!
|
|
|
Post by Maria on Aug 24, 2021 20:45:38 GMT
I think that baby-specific desire is quite common in women, hence why once a child reaches around school age they can become broody again. I guess from an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. If it was just about raising a child then once there is a child there then that urge is settled, and then 2 partners have had one offspring and the species would gradually die out. Or else by the time the child is grown, the biological clock will have ticked on a lot further in the parents. But by making it baby-specific, fulfilling those desires means more children and more often, so it is better for the species' survival. I'm glad you found a doll that you like Can I ask what her name is (or if you would prefer to keep that private, that's fine too!)
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Aug 24, 2021 22:47:29 GMT
On your first point, my mother often mentioned about her friends being broody. She always told me that while she understood, that they aren't babies very long. On a similar point she also said that she kind of forgot the pain and stress of childbirth when she was planning/having another one. I'm surmising that this must be another evolutionary development. If that didn't happen then as in your example mothers would likely stop after just one pregnancy.
I named her Phoebe. I was tracing my family history last week, and saw lots of very nice names that my foremothers and great aunts had. I was particularly taken with that one. It works very well for a baby. The others I really liked work better for grown women. It was the name of one of my great-great-great grandmothers. She lived locally to here in the early 1800s.
|
|