Post by Maria on Sept 9, 2021 14:07:30 GMT
I was thinking a while back (while I was away) about the effect that gender has had on my happiness levels over the course of my life. In a lot of ways, I think the conclusions that I came to probably say more about the culture of toxic masculinity in the world than about the trans experience, but all the same, I think they were quite revealing.
If I imagine a girl being happy, then maybe it's because they're laughing with their friends, or they're doing something they enjoy, or maybe they've seen a cute puppy or something. If I imagine a guy being happy... well I just can't really, not in the same way. Maybe if they're laughing at something funny. But not in that same open, "I'm happy and not afraid to show it" kind of a way. Maybe this is one of the things they mean when they say that oestrogen gives you a bigger range of emotions that testosterone, but positive feelings for a male brings to mind (to me at least) things like a sense of achievement, or a sense of purpose, or winning... things like that. I realised this while we were going around a wildlife sanctuary, and there were some small animals playing together. I realised I was smiling at how adorable they all were. And then realised that in all likelihood while a reaction to a female doing that would probably be no reaction at all, the reaction to a male doing so would probably be more along the lines of "hahahaha gaaaaaaaaay" (although once again, this quite possibly says more about the people I knew growing up than an accurate representation of society at large...)
I thought more on this that evening once everyone else was in bed. Over the years, a couple of different people have theorised that I might suffer from depression, but having looked into it that never seemed quite right. Bizarrely, about 10 years ago (well before I even knew what being transgender was) I came across the term "dysphoria" meaning a kind of permanent low-level dissatisfaction with life and thought "yeah... that sounds more like it" lol. But looking back, I'm certain that through a very broken subconscious protection mechanism, basically my mind associated happiness with being female. Being happy was something that girls did, and I wasn't a girl and so... that wasn't something that I could be. That I almost trained myself to not experience happiness for fear that I would be perceived as feminine. Staying in my egg really did a number on me, didn't it :/
If I imagine a girl being happy, then maybe it's because they're laughing with their friends, or they're doing something they enjoy, or maybe they've seen a cute puppy or something. If I imagine a guy being happy... well I just can't really, not in the same way. Maybe if they're laughing at something funny. But not in that same open, "I'm happy and not afraid to show it" kind of a way. Maybe this is one of the things they mean when they say that oestrogen gives you a bigger range of emotions that testosterone, but positive feelings for a male brings to mind (to me at least) things like a sense of achievement, or a sense of purpose, or winning... things like that. I realised this while we were going around a wildlife sanctuary, and there were some small animals playing together. I realised I was smiling at how adorable they all were. And then realised that in all likelihood while a reaction to a female doing that would probably be no reaction at all, the reaction to a male doing so would probably be more along the lines of "hahahaha gaaaaaaaaay" (although once again, this quite possibly says more about the people I knew growing up than an accurate representation of society at large...)
I thought more on this that evening once everyone else was in bed. Over the years, a couple of different people have theorised that I might suffer from depression, but having looked into it that never seemed quite right. Bizarrely, about 10 years ago (well before I even knew what being transgender was) I came across the term "dysphoria" meaning a kind of permanent low-level dissatisfaction with life and thought "yeah... that sounds more like it" lol. But looking back, I'm certain that through a very broken subconscious protection mechanism, basically my mind associated happiness with being female. Being happy was something that girls did, and I wasn't a girl and so... that wasn't something that I could be. That I almost trained myself to not experience happiness for fear that I would be perceived as feminine. Staying in my egg really did a number on me, didn't it :/