Post by Lily on Sept 28, 2021 18:53:33 GMT
Summer has been for 4 weeks now, but here in England the weather has mostly been warm and sunny, and so it's felt like it has carried on. However Autumn arrived today. It has been grey and overcast with an odd shower here and there, one has just started as I write these words. As a final fond farewell to summer I decided to wear my summer dress (what else?) over my red swimsuit.
However it didn't feel quite right, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't really see the woman I am looking back at me, instead it felt like I was seeing a middle-aged man in drag This hasn't really happened before as far I can recall, so I was bit unsettled by it. I have been feeling at a bit of low ebb today, quite sad and lonely. These two feelings combined made me ask "Am I really feeling like a woman today?" Again this is something I don't think I've felt before. A few weeks ago when I was properly depressed and wasn't dressing up at all, I did feel like a bit of a genderless blob, but I knew I was at a very low point and so knew where that sensation came from. That was more of the case I was feeling so numb, it was hard to feel anything.
Anyway there I am feeling a bit like I'm in drag, but also I noticed earlier how much I hated wearing guy clothes earlier when about the house. So what to do? Well I had to change out my dress anyway to cook lunch, and so put on my current favourite t-shirt, the one with Wonder Woman on it. I did feel a bit better in that t-shirt than the one I was wearing earlier, however I was still feeling a bit unsettled and out of sorts wondering what gender I was at that point in time. I wouldn't say I was feeling particularly masculine, but I've written before that I'm unsure as to what would feel like, so how could I tell?
I cooked and ate lunch, and started to do some light internet browsing looking at Instagram and YouTube. I felt a bit better, and thought that maybe I had that reaction to wearing the summer dress simply because I don't think it really suits me or my figure. I then changed into that turtleneck jumpsuit, black mini-skirt and long red stockings - my proper nerd girl attire. This is something I really like wearing, it's very gender affirming and very comfortable, keeping both my arms and legs covered and warm. My doubts soon evaporated and I felt at peace once again, very much a woman once more.
I watched a reaction video to someone listening to the Beatles' White Album for the first time, and the last song made me feel very maternal, and so I quickly grabbed my doll to express some of that motherliness. This too helped to confirm my feminity. Not long after that I began to write this post. I'm still feeling a bit sad and more than a bit lonely, but at least I feel like a woman too, and not a bundle of question marks.
xox,
Sandi
However it didn't feel quite right, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't really see the woman I am looking back at me, instead it felt like I was seeing a middle-aged man in drag This hasn't really happened before as far I can recall, so I was bit unsettled by it. I have been feeling at a bit of low ebb today, quite sad and lonely. These two feelings combined made me ask "Am I really feeling like a woman today?" Again this is something I don't think I've felt before. A few weeks ago when I was properly depressed and wasn't dressing up at all, I did feel like a bit of a genderless blob, but I knew I was at a very low point and so knew where that sensation came from. That was more of the case I was feeling so numb, it was hard to feel anything.
Anyway there I am feeling a bit like I'm in drag, but also I noticed earlier how much I hated wearing guy clothes earlier when about the house. So what to do? Well I had to change out my dress anyway to cook lunch, and so put on my current favourite t-shirt, the one with Wonder Woman on it. I did feel a bit better in that t-shirt than the one I was wearing earlier, however I was still feeling a bit unsettled and out of sorts wondering what gender I was at that point in time. I wouldn't say I was feeling particularly masculine, but I've written before that I'm unsure as to what would feel like, so how could I tell?
I cooked and ate lunch, and started to do some light internet browsing looking at Instagram and YouTube. I felt a bit better, and thought that maybe I had that reaction to wearing the summer dress simply because I don't think it really suits me or my figure. I then changed into that turtleneck jumpsuit, black mini-skirt and long red stockings - my proper nerd girl attire. This is something I really like wearing, it's very gender affirming and very comfortable, keeping both my arms and legs covered and warm. My doubts soon evaporated and I felt at peace once again, very much a woman once more.
I watched a reaction video to someone listening to the Beatles' White Album for the first time, and the last song made me feel very maternal, and so I quickly grabbed my doll to express some of that motherliness. This too helped to confirm my feminity. Not long after that I began to write this post. I'm still feeling a bit sad and more than a bit lonely, but at least I feel like a woman too, and not a bundle of question marks.
xox,
Sandi