Post by Lily on Sept 28, 2021 21:46:58 GMT
Hello there everyone,
In the past few weeks things have settled down for me. All those posts where I wished for a normal week, well I've 2 or 3 of those back-to-back now. No new discoveries or revelations, no family drama. A couple of bits of good news in the past week too, the saga of me coming out to my friend appears to be reaching its conclusion very soon, and it looks like my finances aren't in quite so a bad shape as I had feared.
In that time I have generally been successful in distracting myself from being overwhelmed by negative thoughts, and have overall been keeping a pretty even mood. I have though used that time to reflect on all that I have discovered and come to an obvious conclusion. What I'm about to say might seem like a big announcement, and I suppose it is. The conclusion is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life closeted. When the time is right, I would like to transition both socially and medically.
I came to this conclusion because for me, there are two reasons I would not want to do so. The first is temporary, or at least I hope it is. At the moment I struggle in my daily life as a result of mental health issues. Until those are at least managable I don't think I would be able to cope with the additional stress of the transition process. However I am taking steps to improve that situation, and as I said that I hope it's only temporary. The second is pure unadulterated fear of the consequences of transitioning. I won't list all the fears as I think all those reading this would know what those are. All of those exist because of the prejudices that the cis world has about trans people, and trans women in particular.
However I would rather suffer the consequences than live in fear and with the resulting regret of not living as I truly should. I have spent my 20s, 30s and 40s in ignorance and lived as a man, and now that I do know I do not want to spend my 50s, 60s, 70s etc pretending to the world that I still do. Fear is not a good enough reason for me to keep who I really am hidden. The regret of all those lost years is bad enough, but at least I can excuse myself because of my ignorance. I believe that if I was never to at least try to transition that regret would be simply be too much for me to live with.
How and when this might happen, well who knows what the future might hold, but right now it is my long-term goal. I have always really lacked one of those. I think that was because a core piece of me was missing, well now that I found that piece I finally have one. I will be working towards that probably not in leaps and bounds but step-by-step. Therefore do not expect regular updates or weekly transition photos for a very long time This is "just" a statement of intent.
xox,
Sandi
In the past few weeks things have settled down for me. All those posts where I wished for a normal week, well I've 2 or 3 of those back-to-back now. No new discoveries or revelations, no family drama. A couple of bits of good news in the past week too, the saga of me coming out to my friend appears to be reaching its conclusion very soon, and it looks like my finances aren't in quite so a bad shape as I had feared.
In that time I have generally been successful in distracting myself from being overwhelmed by negative thoughts, and have overall been keeping a pretty even mood. I have though used that time to reflect on all that I have discovered and come to an obvious conclusion. What I'm about to say might seem like a big announcement, and I suppose it is. The conclusion is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life closeted. When the time is right, I would like to transition both socially and medically.
I came to this conclusion because for me, there are two reasons I would not want to do so. The first is temporary, or at least I hope it is. At the moment I struggle in my daily life as a result of mental health issues. Until those are at least managable I don't think I would be able to cope with the additional stress of the transition process. However I am taking steps to improve that situation, and as I said that I hope it's only temporary. The second is pure unadulterated fear of the consequences of transitioning. I won't list all the fears as I think all those reading this would know what those are. All of those exist because of the prejudices that the cis world has about trans people, and trans women in particular.
However I would rather suffer the consequences than live in fear and with the resulting regret of not living as I truly should. I have spent my 20s, 30s and 40s in ignorance and lived as a man, and now that I do know I do not want to spend my 50s, 60s, 70s etc pretending to the world that I still do. Fear is not a good enough reason for me to keep who I really am hidden. The regret of all those lost years is bad enough, but at least I can excuse myself because of my ignorance. I believe that if I was never to at least try to transition that regret would be simply be too much for me to live with.
How and when this might happen, well who knows what the future might hold, but right now it is my long-term goal. I have always really lacked one of those. I think that was because a core piece of me was missing, well now that I found that piece I finally have one. I will be working towards that probably not in leaps and bounds but step-by-step. Therefore do not expect regular updates or weekly transition photos for a very long time This is "just" a statement of intent.
xox,
Sandi