Post by Lily on Oct 2, 2021 3:33:47 GMT
I really struggled to get to sleep yesterday. My schedule was already messed up, but last night/yesterday morning I was completely unable to switch off. After 2 hours of tossing and turning I stopped trying and got up, made a snack and occupied myself online for about 3 or 4 hours before finally being too tired to stay awake. Unfortunately this meant I missed the majority of the day, and woke up after it had got dark.
I still have just too much on my mind. There are too many thoughts around everything I've discovered in who I truly was, and have very little opportunity to discuss these with anyone. I am still waiting on counselling from my local LGBT+ group. I have been told to expect contact from one of the counsellors but none has been made. It is being chased up but it is outside of my control. It is also being provided to me for free, and am very lucky to be getting this in the first place.
I have been thinking of the issues that I would like to be covered and there are quite a few, but only a limited time for these to be talked about.
Coming out to friends and family
Discovering this in my 50s - regrets about not doing so earlier; the lost years; being a middle-aged woman with zero experience of being one
Rerconciling my past life to my new one
Strong maternal feelings - how best to express those; dealing with it given that I won't ever be a mother
Coping with dysphoria
Sexual orientation - making sense of that and defining what it is
Finding romance - how to go about that; when do you give propsective partners the full picture
Sex - resolving the confusion as to what my role is in this in all aspects; total lack of experience; possible fear of intimacy
There may be others I probably can't think of right now as well.
I have been through a fundamental upheaval of how I think of myself in a very short space of time. In that regard I think I achieved something very amazing and special, and think that I match those descriptions too. I think I am holding up remarkably well all things considered. I am genuinely pleased and happy to have finally discovered this. I would dearly love to talk about this with family and friends. However I cannot because of the prejudince, ignorance and fear about trans people. This is extremely isolating, saddening and frustrating. I should be able to talk about all this openly but I simply cannot. This would all be so much easier if I could talk all this through with friend, someone I could meet up with or chat over the phone. To be open about this, some physical reassurance wouldn't go amiss either - hugs, a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.
The reality though is very different. There is no-one I know that I can trust except my friend that more or less already knows. She lives far away, and has stated quite clearly that she doesn't like talking over the phone. I also have to wait too many days for her to reply. The only other friend I have been close with recently has openly stated homophobic and transphobic opinions, and is slightly misogynistic too. That and other things has made me wonder if I want to continue our friendship, perhaps I'll go into more detail elsewhere. There is little family to talk about. Regulars here will know I live with my sister and her son. I simply do not know my sister's views on trans people, and I've spoken about her son elsewhere. The only other family I have is my brother, his wife and their 19 year old twins (a niece and nephew). They all live in Australia and we have very little contact, once or twice a year. Given the distance and lack of contact there is no point even considering any support there, even if any were forthcoming.
I've rambled on quite a bit on this and not sure I've got anywhere, or explained myself very well. I think you get the gist - I have a great deal to work through and make sense of, but have little to no opportunity to do so at the moment. This makes my mind too cluttered with too many ideas and thoughts to work through, and so makes it very difficult for me to switch off. Perhaps I need to write about some of those issues I listed earlier on here. I think the problem has been knowing where to start with any of these.
Thanks for reading. Not really expecting any insight or advice on this, though any would be welcome. Just needed to get some of it off my chest.
xox,
Sandi
I still have just too much on my mind. There are too many thoughts around everything I've discovered in who I truly was, and have very little opportunity to discuss these with anyone. I am still waiting on counselling from my local LGBT+ group. I have been told to expect contact from one of the counsellors but none has been made. It is being chased up but it is outside of my control. It is also being provided to me for free, and am very lucky to be getting this in the first place.
I have been thinking of the issues that I would like to be covered and there are quite a few, but only a limited time for these to be talked about.
Coming out to friends and family
Discovering this in my 50s - regrets about not doing so earlier; the lost years; being a middle-aged woman with zero experience of being one
Rerconciling my past life to my new one
Strong maternal feelings - how best to express those; dealing with it given that I won't ever be a mother
Coping with dysphoria
Sexual orientation - making sense of that and defining what it is
Finding romance - how to go about that; when do you give propsective partners the full picture
Sex - resolving the confusion as to what my role is in this in all aspects; total lack of experience; possible fear of intimacy
There may be others I probably can't think of right now as well.
I have been through a fundamental upheaval of how I think of myself in a very short space of time. In that regard I think I achieved something very amazing and special, and think that I match those descriptions too. I think I am holding up remarkably well all things considered. I am genuinely pleased and happy to have finally discovered this. I would dearly love to talk about this with family and friends. However I cannot because of the prejudince, ignorance and fear about trans people. This is extremely isolating, saddening and frustrating. I should be able to talk about all this openly but I simply cannot. This would all be so much easier if I could talk all this through with friend, someone I could meet up with or chat over the phone. To be open about this, some physical reassurance wouldn't go amiss either - hugs, a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.
The reality though is very different. There is no-one I know that I can trust except my friend that more or less already knows. She lives far away, and has stated quite clearly that she doesn't like talking over the phone. I also have to wait too many days for her to reply. The only other friend I have been close with recently has openly stated homophobic and transphobic opinions, and is slightly misogynistic too. That and other things has made me wonder if I want to continue our friendship, perhaps I'll go into more detail elsewhere. There is little family to talk about. Regulars here will know I live with my sister and her son. I simply do not know my sister's views on trans people, and I've spoken about her son elsewhere. The only other family I have is my brother, his wife and their 19 year old twins (a niece and nephew). They all live in Australia and we have very little contact, once or twice a year. Given the distance and lack of contact there is no point even considering any support there, even if any were forthcoming.
I've rambled on quite a bit on this and not sure I've got anywhere, or explained myself very well. I think you get the gist - I have a great deal to work through and make sense of, but have little to no opportunity to do so at the moment. This makes my mind too cluttered with too many ideas and thoughts to work through, and so makes it very difficult for me to switch off. Perhaps I need to write about some of those issues I listed earlier on here. I think the problem has been knowing where to start with any of these.
Thanks for reading. Not really expecting any insight or advice on this, though any would be welcome. Just needed to get some of it off my chest.
xox,
Sandi