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Post by Lily on Oct 13, 2021 13:42:41 GMT
I got quite angry about something yesterday, the reason doesn't matter so I won't go into why. I shouted and I swore and was being very aggressive with inanimate objects. They were either thrown or slammed. My sister wasn't in the same room but she would have heard it all. I was very bothered by how I was acting, and also that I would appear to be an angry man having a hissy fit about nothing important. Whereas I am not that, and part of the reason I got angry was because of all the stress of having to pretend I'm something I'm not.
In other situation, I recently had a row with a family member which led to some very physical aggression from everyone involved including me. I was similarly uncomfortable with how I was behaving then too. It was one of the reasons that that row bothered me so.
People of any gender get angry of course, so it isn't that I think I shouldn't get angry. Also when people get angry that should be expressed in a healthy way that doesn't harm anyone else. It is that all that male biology I have makes the anger come out in a masculine way, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. It feels as if the testostorone overwhelms my female psyche, and I hate it. That may not be happening of course, and perhaps I should just accept that I get angry and that I can't do much about how my body works.
How do you feel about it all when you get angry? Something similar, or have you come to an understanding and acceptance about it?
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Post by Jessica on Oct 13, 2021 14:53:15 GMT
I definitely have bouts of anger that are not expressed in a feminine way as you say. I haven't even really thought about it in the way you described. It is just a part of me. It is certainly not a very feminine way of acting. But then again for me I think I have a pretty strong masculine side to go with my feminine side and I guess that is just the former manifesting itself.
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Post by Lily on Oct 14, 2021 13:41:57 GMT
On one hand I might just be overanalysing this matter, but on the other it really does make me feel very out of sorts. I wouldn't say that mind and body are at war with each other on this, but it feels like there's a lot of disagreement. This wouldn't be so much of a concern but there is a strong possibility that I might have another row with my nephew. I have been content for there to be some peace and reduced tension, however I am still quite bitter and angry with him about his behaviour. I don't think it would take that much to spark another row with him just knowing how I feel never mind how he feels. There has also been a lot of transphobia in the news this past week too, to which my natural reaction can only be anger.
I didn't have my weekly phone call with SupportU yesterday because my contact there was off sick. I think it would have helped to vent a bit in my chat with her, instead I've had to keep it in, as I have to do with everything I'd like to talk about. That first counselling session can't come quick enough. It's only four days away but even that seems like a long time to wait.
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Post by Jessica on Oct 14, 2021 14:49:40 GMT
It is a long time to wait especilly considering how long you've waited already.
Your nephew seems like an immature jerk who deserves what is coming if I am being completely honest.
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Post by Lily on Oct 14, 2021 15:28:18 GMT
I laughed out loud when your comment about my nephew. I agree with your description though. It is odd to think you two are the same age.
I'd like to give him what's coming but would like to feel less masculine when doing so. I'm honestly glad I'm significantly bigger than him. What I lack in muscle I make up for in weight and volume!
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Post by Jessica on Oct 15, 2021 14:02:32 GMT
And strength of character.......
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