Post by Lily on Oct 16, 2021 13:38:54 GMT
Hello there everyone,
By coincidence it's exactly four monhs ago since I joined this forum. This is an unintentional current state of where I'm at, but it's actually just that I just wanted to get things off my chest. I know I'll be repeating myself in this post. I've felt like a stuck record saying the same lines over and over again. I hope I can move on a little in the coming weeks.
I've been a major change in my life, but the people here in that life don't know. I do not want to tell my family, or any "friends" I know locally at the moment. I would love to tell the world what I have discovered about myself, and would love to dress how I would like to. Instead I have to keep it all to myself, in my small room.
I feel beyond frustrated. I hope the upcoming counselling can help. I would dearly like some advice as to how to handle this frustration, and also on how to come out to family. It has only been about three months, and all the sneaking about and worry about being discovered is already wearing me down.
Furthermore in the past week or so, there's been a lot of transphobia in the media. In the past two weeks transphobia has appeared to have taken more of a hold in the UK. An anti-trans group the LGB Alliance attended a conference held by the governing Conservative Party. Also the national state broadcaster BBC broadcast a documentary telling of the influence that Stonewall, the largest LGBT+ charity in the UK, was exerting on politicians and broadcasters. That is to say they were doing what they should be doing, lobbying for LGBT+ rights. Also Netflix has shown where it stands on LGBT+ matters too with their funding and broadcasting of a comedian's transphobic stand-up routine, where he clearly states he's on Team TERF. As we all know these corporations only like to pay lip service to their support of LGBT+ matters, happy to decorate everything with rainbows in Pride Month, but when it comes down to it, profit comes first, last and in the middle.
I read all that and wonder what family and friends make of it all. How much of their opinions have been shaped by all the transphobia in the media in the past few years? Though my plan to eventually transition remains unchanged, it does make it very clear to me the environment in which I will be doing that.
I go back to being back here at home in my room. Hearing all the relatively trivial matters that concern my sister and nephew, while they don't even know the half of what's going through my mind. They know I'm going through some serious mental health problems at the moment, but even that it isn't even half of the picture.
I hate that it is this way. All of you know how happy I've been in discovering who I really am, and the joy I have found in expressing that. I wish I could share that feeling with others here in my life. Instead because of all the restrictions I feel I must place on myself, I am frequently moody and miserable, and occaisonally even depressed.
I have my first session with my counsellor on Monday, I'm not sure why but I am can get quite upset about that. I think it is a combination of it finally happening, and the significance of it. In some ways the first real step I've taken since I decided that I wanted to transition. Also next week will be my last call with my caseworker Rosie, who I've been speaking to for the last two months or so. I feel a bit sad about that as she's the first person I've spoken to about all this. She's also the first person to call me by my new name too. Another thing that could happen next week is that my friend might properly reply to me, and so I may well be writing and sending the email in which I finally come out to her. So as you can see there's a fair bit coming up for me. I will be telling you all about it, so look forward to those posts and messages!
This post as is often the case been all about me. I can only talk about my situation, and how I feel about it. All of us have had different experiences and lead quite different lives to each other. I hope I never come across that it is only me on this forum having a diificult time being trans. I know that it isn't the case. My heart goes out to all of you, and I wish I could help each and every one of you in the difficulties you face. You are all so busy, having problems finding both the time and energy to do all that you need to each day. I on the other hand, rattle around my life, having the opposite problem. I struggle to find activitites to do to fill my day. If there is anything I can do to free up some time for you, then do please ask. As unlikely as it is that there could be something, this offer is genuine.
With love to you all,
Sandi
By coincidence it's exactly four monhs ago since I joined this forum. This is an unintentional current state of where I'm at, but it's actually just that I just wanted to get things off my chest. I know I'll be repeating myself in this post. I've felt like a stuck record saying the same lines over and over again. I hope I can move on a little in the coming weeks.
I've been a major change in my life, but the people here in that life don't know. I do not want to tell my family, or any "friends" I know locally at the moment. I would love to tell the world what I have discovered about myself, and would love to dress how I would like to. Instead I have to keep it all to myself, in my small room.
I feel beyond frustrated. I hope the upcoming counselling can help. I would dearly like some advice as to how to handle this frustration, and also on how to come out to family. It has only been about three months, and all the sneaking about and worry about being discovered is already wearing me down.
Furthermore in the past week or so, there's been a lot of transphobia in the media. In the past two weeks transphobia has appeared to have taken more of a hold in the UK. An anti-trans group the LGB Alliance attended a conference held by the governing Conservative Party. Also the national state broadcaster BBC broadcast a documentary telling of the influence that Stonewall, the largest LGBT+ charity in the UK, was exerting on politicians and broadcasters. That is to say they were doing what they should be doing, lobbying for LGBT+ rights. Also Netflix has shown where it stands on LGBT+ matters too with their funding and broadcasting of a comedian's transphobic stand-up routine, where he clearly states he's on Team TERF. As we all know these corporations only like to pay lip service to their support of LGBT+ matters, happy to decorate everything with rainbows in Pride Month, but when it comes down to it, profit comes first, last and in the middle.
I read all that and wonder what family and friends make of it all. How much of their opinions have been shaped by all the transphobia in the media in the past few years? Though my plan to eventually transition remains unchanged, it does make it very clear to me the environment in which I will be doing that.
I go back to being back here at home in my room. Hearing all the relatively trivial matters that concern my sister and nephew, while they don't even know the half of what's going through my mind. They know I'm going through some serious mental health problems at the moment, but even that it isn't even half of the picture.
I hate that it is this way. All of you know how happy I've been in discovering who I really am, and the joy I have found in expressing that. I wish I could share that feeling with others here in my life. Instead because of all the restrictions I feel I must place on myself, I am frequently moody and miserable, and occaisonally even depressed.
I have my first session with my counsellor on Monday, I'm not sure why but I am can get quite upset about that. I think it is a combination of it finally happening, and the significance of it. In some ways the first real step I've taken since I decided that I wanted to transition. Also next week will be my last call with my caseworker Rosie, who I've been speaking to for the last two months or so. I feel a bit sad about that as she's the first person I've spoken to about all this. She's also the first person to call me by my new name too. Another thing that could happen next week is that my friend might properly reply to me, and so I may well be writing and sending the email in which I finally come out to her. So as you can see there's a fair bit coming up for me. I will be telling you all about it, so look forward to those posts and messages!
This post as is often the case been all about me. I can only talk about my situation, and how I feel about it. All of us have had different experiences and lead quite different lives to each other. I hope I never come across that it is only me on this forum having a diificult time being trans. I know that it isn't the case. My heart goes out to all of you, and I wish I could help each and every one of you in the difficulties you face. You are all so busy, having problems finding both the time and energy to do all that you need to each day. I on the other hand, rattle around my life, having the opposite problem. I struggle to find activitites to do to fill my day. If there is anything I can do to free up some time for you, then do please ask. As unlikely as it is that there could be something, this offer is genuine.
With love to you all,
Sandi