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Post by Jessica on Oct 17, 2021 20:14:47 GMT
The last few days my male side has been really in control. Really the better part of the last month or so. Feeling more mannish than usual. I don't know why but as I said before it ebbs and flows with me. I am feeling like James right now.
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Post by Lily on Oct 17, 2021 23:40:52 GMT
I just wanted to acknowledge your post before I go to bed, and I get too distracted by my counselling in the morning.
I trust that this all feels OK for you, that it doesn't make you feel anything negative. I guess I'm just saying I hope you feel alright. If not then please do say. You might be totally fine with it all, and are wondering why I'm asking or showing concern.
In summary I'm offering my support should you need it, but I know I'm doing so in a most awkward way.
xox,
Sandi
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Post by Jessica on Oct 18, 2021 14:14:26 GMT
Thanks Sandi. I get what you're saying and I appreciate the support. But I feel fine. This is just a natural part of my deal. It ebbs and flows as I said, and right now I am ebbing. But it will flow again soon. It always does. Either way, I am me.
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Post by Lily on Oct 18, 2021 14:49:27 GMT
I thought that it was as you have just described, I just didn't want leave your post hanging. You are always you, and how you feel is how you feel.
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Post by Maria on Oct 20, 2021 22:02:21 GMT
I've kind of found this recently too. I don't know if it's just because I have a fair bit going on right now, so there isn't as much room for dysphoria in my consciousness, but even things that a short while ago would have brought me large amounts of unease aren't overly phasing me at the moment.
It's not a complete flip like I've experienced before, in that those desires are still very much there. But rather than a feeling of "I am a woman, I just don't look like it", which is where I was at a month or so ago, now it's more a sense of "I'm not, but heck would it be nicer if I was...".
Against that, they actually have been much stronger again today. After the past few weeks where the lust vs envy battle has very much been dominated by the lust component, I was watching a film last night, and a female character came onscreen and I thought "wow, you have nice boobs. I wish I had them. Wait... what.?!" š
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Post by Jessica on Oct 21, 2021 14:51:04 GMT
I've kind of found this recently too. I don't know if it's just because I have a fair bit going on right now, so there isn't as much room for dysphoria in my consciousness, but even things that a short while ago would have brought me large amounts of unease aren't overly phasing me at the moment. It's not a complete flip like I've experienced before, in that those desires are still very much there. But rather than a feeling of "I am a woman, I just don't look like it", which is where I was at a month or so ago, now it's more a sense of "I'm not, but heck would it be nicer if I was...". Against that, they actually have been much stronger again today. After the past few weeks where the lust vs envy battle has very much been dominated by the lust component, I was watching a film last night, and a female character came onscreen and I thought "wow, you have nice boobs. I wish I had them. Wait... what.?!" š Yeah this is a pretty good summary of how I feel. It does tend to happen when I am really busy and really tired. Just don't have the time to think about anything other than what is right in front of me.
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Post by Maria on Oct 21, 2021 16:20:13 GMT
It's odd for me that it's worked differently this time, and that I've still been aware of it even if it wasn't at the surface. Previously, I've always done a complete 180 flip, and gone from intense dysphoria to "haha, what a weird psychosis that was for the last X months that led me to feel I would be happier like that. It's over now, and let's never speak of it again". Presumably because something has triggered internalised transphobia to come to the surface and start running the show :/ All of this being currently moot, as the dysphoria is back with a vengeance today
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Post by Jessica on Oct 22, 2021 15:04:34 GMT
You are more self aware perhaps?
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Post by Kelli Ann on Oct 23, 2021 11:16:12 GMT
I have been feeling the same way this week. I have been very busy at work and at home in the evenings doing home some home maintenance and when my mind is busy being my male self I rarely feel girly and I hate it. I would much rather feel girly. I think that we all go through the same āebb and flowā, as Jessica refers to. By the way I love that term.
Anyway last night after a stressful week at work and not having any Kelli Ann thinking time in the evenings for some odd reason I had a very feminine dream last night that I was walking in a shopping mall completely feminized and dressed up. People were admiring my hot looks and this morning I am in a euphoric feminine state due to the dream. Hopefully today I can spend some down time by myself and reflect on my feminine side and I can get back to a sense of feeling femininely normal again.
Anyway to reiterate, ebb and flow, dominates our transgender minds in my opinion. (Thank you Jessica)!
Huggs,
Kelli
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