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Post by Lily on Nov 27, 2021 16:13:31 GMT
Having not posted any new photos of myself in a while, and inspired by Chloe's latest additions to her gallery, I decided to take a few quick photos of myself. I really wished I hadn't. I hated what I saw in the photos. I looked simply awful. The camera seemed to highlight every flaw and blemiesh, and I looked like a tired middle-aged man with long hair. I put these through Faceapp but it made parts of my face look too bright and pale, and also it didn't quite look like me anymore.
When I look in the mirror as I do multiple times a day, I think I look OK. Fairly decent for a middle-aged trans woman with no make-up and zero transitioning. I can imagine myself with make-up and think I'd look fairly convincing and somewhat pretty. In the photos I look just ghastly, simply awful, totally masculine and not at all feminine. Seeing myself in those photos was a genuinely upsetting experience, tears were shed. It has reallly put me off showing myself to others while wearing my proper clothes. However if I'm going to transition I can't hide my face away forever.
Feeling very down about it all right now. Please send help.
xox,
Sandi
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Post by Jessica on Nov 28, 2021 22:22:52 GMT
I'm sorry you feel this way. It is something you can't control, but I know there isn't much comfort in that. Quick, do some FaceApping!
For real though, I know the feeling and it sucks. I'm sorry.
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Post by Lily on Nov 28, 2021 22:42:46 GMT
I think I just looked bad generally, I felt I looked ugly as a man, never mind as a woman. Maybe it was just because I was seeing myself in a different light, in higher definition and/or the proper way round and not in the mirror. Whatever the reason, I still felt that way and still do. It's crushed my spirit a little bit. This feels like a real setback to me transitioning. I was already reluctant to show myself to the world wearing the right clothes, and now that feeling has been greatly multiplied.
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Post by chloé on Nov 29, 2021 14:21:56 GMT
I think I just looked bad generally, I felt I looked ugly as a man, never mind as a woman. Maybe it was just because I was seeing myself in a different light, in higher definition and/or the proper way round and not in the mirror. Whatever the reason, I still felt that way and still do. It's crushed my spirit a little bit. This feels like a real setback to me transitioning. I was already reluctant to show myself to the world wearing the right clothes, and now that feeling has been greatly multiplied. Hi Sandi, I’m really sorry to hear it. Don’t go too fast, photos can be dangerous especially if you wait for something specific. I always take my own photos with a very good camera and choose only 10-20%. The others are not me. Don’t stop to what you see, the most important is what and who you are. A woman, and women are usually harder with herself than men. Everytime I see my photos, I think my nose is too big, perhaps I can change it but it’s mine and a part of me. Continue to live your life as you are Sandi with all the package 😉 💋❤️ Chloé
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Post by Maria on Nov 29, 2021 14:55:02 GMT
I know this feeling well 😔 FaceApp is amazing when it gets it right, but when it doesn't (which is more often that not for me) it can be anywhere from frustrating to downright upsetting, like you've said here.
I tried a couple of photos that I took through it yesterday, and in both it just covered my head in this grey shroud of mist when I applied the filter. Then I thought "well they both look OK from the neck down actually, so maybe I could just crop the top part off and then change the background". So I did that and I disappeared entirely, the whole screen was just background. "Oh great, not only can you not work out my face, apparently I'm not even a person..." 😫
One thing I will say, is that as I have gotten better at doing the few bits of makeup that I do own and can do, they make me look better on a bad day than FaceApp does on its best day.
Like yesterday for example, by the time I went to bed I was exhausted and with a horrendous headache. But I looked in the mirror and thought "I actually like how I look today". Then I washed it off and it was horrifying. I looked about 10 years older, definitely male, and quite frankly like I should probably be receiving the last rites.
My point being, just because AI isn't always flattering, absolutely does not mean that you won't pass and look absolutely incredible if you're doing it yourself in the real world 🙂
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Post by Lily on Nov 29, 2021 16:25:34 GMT
I don't think I explained myself very well. I'll try again point by point.
Firstly I like how I look when I look in the mirror. I can very easily see a more feminised version of that passing.
Secondly this was how I felt before seeing anything in Faceapp. It is a bit hit-and-miss, I have many many photos that didn't come out very well using that app. That is fine because enough do, and also because it's a "what if" not "what is"
Thirdly, it was the pre-processed photos my bare face in full daylight, as everyone else sees it, i.e. not my mirror image. It wasn't any particular part it was the whole thing.
In summary, it had nothing to do with what Faceapp did and didn't do. When I look at myself in the mirror I think I look good. What I hated seeing was photos of me taken in daylight, my face the right way round, not in the mirror.
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Post by Lily on Nov 29, 2021 21:07:38 GMT
I figured it may that I'm just not used to seeing my face like that anymore. As I result I might have disconnected that from how I normally picture myself - either in the mirror or in my head. I decided to take a few more photos this evening. They came out a bit warmer than those I took on Saturday. I can't say I loved how I looked, but perhaps I looked a bit better than before. I put these through Faceapp and got some nice results. I'll be posting some on my gallery thread in due course.
This is still going to be a bit of stumbling block for me. It was already there, but this experience made it much larger. I'll work through this with my counsellor on Wednesday, and see what solutions we can come up with. One of these may be learning how to do my make-up. I've been wanting to see myself made-up for ages now, but didn't want to learn as I wanted to focus a bit more on the inside first, content to just simply put on the right clothes instead. Seems like this might be the next practical thing for me to do. With on-line tutorials I can do this on my own, and not be dependent on anyone else's time.
Thanks for everyone's messages of support on this. I'm very grateful to you all for taking the time to reply. This is all still so new to me, so I really do appreciate your voices of experience.
xox,
Sandi
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