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Post by Lily on Dec 31, 2021 10:52:19 GMT
I had an awkward moment this morning. My sister was saying what she planned to do with the Amazon Gift Card my brother had sent her. She said she needed to fill out her make-up bag. All well and good, but she carried on to say that I wouldn't understand why that was so important because I was a bloke. I grinned a painful grin and sort of went along with it. I was thinking "If you knew dear sister" while also being pained by being referred to that way.
I posted about it on the DW forum. Someone responded with the fact that she's incorrect in her assertion as blokes wear make-up anyway. I hadn't quite thought of it in that way, more focused on the more personal side. I began to explain she's old-fashioned and unenlghtened on that matter as she's in her late 50s. Within moments of thinking that I thought something like "Oh dear. Old-fashioned ... unenlightened - like not being enlightened about someone being trans". What had been just an awkward moment has turned into something a bit more. My thoughts have now turned to coming out to her and other family members.
Of family members, I plan to come out to her first. Of course the big worry is that she reacts unfavourably and doesn't understand and accept. Our financial situations mean we have to live together. I'd be stuck with having to live with her and her lack of acceptance for a very long time.
On another family related note. The family is having a Zoom call tomorrow. The first time I've spoken to my brother and his family in ages,so the first time since I discovered my true gender. I think this should go OK. For my part, I'll just explain about my mental health difficulties, and say what I've been trying to do to treat those. Of course this will all be quite general, so won't go into any risky territory for me. I'll just say the type of help I've had, and that I plan to discuss the next steps with my GP quite soon. I think the call should go OK. I expect it to be as awkward as it normally is. I do have some issues with my brother, but a half-hour call shouldn't be a problem.
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Post by Jessica on Dec 31, 2021 16:44:33 GMT
Best of luck with your call. I am sure it will be fine!
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Post by Maria on Dec 31, 2021 22:36:35 GMT
I wrote most of this out several hours ago, but then little one came and sat down beside me, so needless to say the tab got closed and remained so until now! I can completely see why that would be a painful interaction I remember times while at university (where a large proportion of my friend groups and friends in groups were female) where similar things would be said, as I was (to appearances sake anyway) "different" in that respect. Even though back then I had no idea I was trans, or even what that was, it always panged me when it would be pointed out that I wasn't one of the girls. Even though I might actually agree with the statement (so using yours as an example - back then I absolutely would have thought "hmm, that's not a very exciting thing to spend your voucher on"), their reasoning for "why" I didn't get it always stung. Which always felt a bit weird at the time when I would stop and think about it. But then I just wouldn't think about it and everything was fine lol. I see what you're saying about making the connection, but hopefully there is a big enough difference between her thinking "in my day men didn't wear beauty products" and what her response would be if you were to let her know what's going on with you and how it's affecting you. That's not a hypothetical or observing someone from afar, that's a real issue affecting someone that she cares deeply for. And one would hope that her desire to see you happy and to support you would outweigh any misgivings she might have about the subject were it in the context of someone she didn't know.
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Post by Lily on Jan 1, 2022 3:08:24 GMT
I'm a surprised how talk of coming out to her has upset me so. I am literally in tears thinking about it now having read Maria's reply. I told my counsellor that I don't think I'd even be able to tell my sister right now because I'd just be crying too much, it would just be too overwhelming for me. Clearly nothing's happened since then to make me feel any differently.
I may have said before, but my sister isn't very demonstrative with her feelings. She also likes to appease people and doesn't like conflict. We both avoid having difficult conversations with others too. A concern of mine is that I could tell her and not know what she really thinks about it. That I'll get very little almost no response, or that she'll tell me what she thinks I want to hear, perhaps just to end the discussion, and that afterwards it would almost be ignored. There's also all the obviously negative reactions she might have too, I don't think I need to list those here.
It's something I'd like to do sooner rather than later because I can see all the benefits if it goes OK. It's also something I know I need to do to live my life as I'd like. Furthermore not being able to tell anyone here just exactly what I've been going through, the sheer enormity and importance of it all, really does get to me. However I am just not ready to tell her. Also I've only just started having a little peace of mind, with my recent coming out finally being resolved. I'd like to continue that a bit longer before I take the next major step.
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Post by Lily on Jan 1, 2022 14:59:38 GMT
The Zoom call didn't happen today. I hung around online for 2 hours but nothing happened, no notification, no email explaining absence, only silence. It's probably just as well as my sister's son is still the worse the wear from his New Year's celebrations. He was staggering about the place when he got back in the early morning. He got up at around 1 pm, only to go to the bathroom. He soon went back to bed with a bucket for company. The inconvenience for me was that I had psyched myself up for it, and will have to do so again. Also I had made myself very male presenting for that time too.
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Post by Maria on Jan 1, 2022 17:00:22 GMT
I'm sorry to hear it didn't happen š Especially after you'd given up a chunk of your day waiting, and psyched yourself up and got ready for it. Do you think it will be rescheduled? His loss!
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Post by Jessica on Jan 1, 2022 17:28:43 GMT
I am surprised to read that you want to do it sooner rather than later. I would have to psyche myself up for months to do something like that.
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Post by Lily on Jan 1, 2022 19:11:20 GMT
I am surprised to read that you want to do it sooner rather than later. I would have to psyche myself up for months to do something like that. That's more that I'd like to have the benefits of it going well. It's months and months away as at the moment I'm not even seriously considering how I could do it. It's a mid-term goal, there's other stuff I want to deal with first.
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Post by Lily on Jan 1, 2022 19:28:45 GMT
I'm sorry to hear it didn't happen š Especially after you'd given up a chunk of your day waiting, and psyched yourself up and got ready for it. Do you think it will be rescheduled? His loss! It might be. There's been at least one time when we sort of organised it, then it didn't actually happen and then nothing was arranged in it's place. It suits me not to have it, with it being his decision. It's frankly a bit of a chore. The converation is always a bit stilted and awkward. Though it's nice to see my niece and nephew there's no real rapport there. This is really all the interaction we have. I wish it hadn't been that way, that we'd had more communication in the past but that's what he's like. A relationship takes two people to invest their time and energy, the lack of that from him over the decades meant that eventually I didn't want to invest much of that either. It's not that we've fallen out at all, I genuinely wished him a happy Xmas, and he's sent that gift. It's just sad that it's so slight and unsatisfying.
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