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Post by Lily on Feb 13, 2022 11:29:04 GMT
I'm not doing very well at the moment. I'm struggling to get out of bed in the morning, and in wanting to do anything once I do get up. I am in a foul mood when I'm out and about the house. I was just going to add something onto the general message thread but this felt too long to post there. I am worried about what's happening with Maria, and also miss her and the support I was getting from her. For a few weeks I had a semi-regular outlet where I could voice day-to-day feelings and just chat. I have been brought low and made angry by the news that an organisation that should be standing up for marginalised groups is doing the exact opposite when it come's to the trans community. Here's a link to an article about that. At Maria's recommendation I applied for some freelance work at Rev, an audio transcription service. She herself had done some work for them before. I applied online, this included completing some competency tests they have. I received a confirmation email and was informed that the review process should only take a few days. That was over two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything further. I am now thinking that I won't hear back from them at all. Not only could I do with the money, I could also do with some more recent work experience for future job applications. I have gone off my name which frankly isn't a great place to be in. Everyone needs a name to think of themselves as, and I haven't really got one. I am also now feel that dysphoria is part of the problem with this. I can think of lots of names I like the sound of. but don't think they fit because of my body. my voice and my age. Having to find one that matches doesn't feel me with any joy or excitement, it just feels like a chore. I wish that my mother had had better taste in girls' names as both Alison and Davina are just awful I am struggling with not being out to my family, and worry that I might rush the process, or get so fed up that I just start going about the house wearing a skirt with my bra stuffed. I am going through a very difficult time and all they are seeing is a grumpy/angry man moaning about petty little things. All in all, everything is too much. You all do the best you can but I am not getting the support I need. All I seem to be getting from my local LGBT+ is links to websites, whereas what I really need is a fellow trans person to speak to and get advice from. I am really struggling.
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Post by Jessica on Feb 13, 2022 15:46:12 GMT
Hey Sandi,
First, I am sorry you are struggling. With all the stuff you are dealing with, it is completely natural and understandable in my opinion. It really sucks to feel trapped, and feel a loss of control, and I completely understand that. I wish there was more I could do to help you from thousands of miles away. It makes me sad to see you struggling, and makes me worried to see Maria fall off the map. I hope she is OK too. I hope she is just taking a break from it all.
Second, I am sorry I haven't been able to be more supportive. To be honest, my life obligations have just completely gotten in the way. A stressful job, a wife and kids leave me little time to invest in this. Especially after the job ramped up as COVID started being less of an impact. As you can probably tell, I am usually limited to one log-in a day in the morning. Often that is done as I am getting ready for work and in a bit of a hurry, so I can't give it the attention it deserves and you deserve. I am sorry about that. I shouldn't have created this place if I didn't have the time to put into that I should. I have this little old laptop that I use, and I have to try and hide it and when my wife and kids are around that makes an even more difficult layer to this whole thing. I realize I haven't been able to be as supportive as a friend as you need and I am very, very sorry about that.
At the end of the day, I am really proud of you and what you've accomplished in such a short time. You have so many obstacles to deal with, and you've dealt with a lot of shit. Both in this journey and with some bad hands you've been dealt. But you are clearly a fighter, and when you seem at your lowest you always seem to come out of it on the other end and improve your situation. I am proud of you, and while it might take time I know you'll get out of this rut and move forward.
Love all you girls, keep fighting. I hope today is better than yesterday.
-Jessica
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Post by Lily on Feb 15, 2022 14:21:18 GMT
Jessica,
Thanks for your reply. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Your personal circumstances are very difficult, and you do the best you can given those.
I thank you for you acknowledgement of what I have achieved and what I have had to deal with. You should know that I feel a great sense of validation whenever anyone on here gives me praise, especially from you, the head cheerleader.
I am sorry to say that I'm not feeling noticably better at all. I certainly felt a lot worse after I wrote my original post. I feel like another day crying under the duvet is heading its way. Unfortunately as has happened before, my depression has been joined by her new friend dysphoria, they seem to get along very well it seems. I didn't really get properly dressed yesterday, and don't feel like doing it today either. I am avoiding mirrors as I don't want to see what I really look like. I can see my avatar but can't imagine what she has to smile about. I feel a million miles from looking as happy as her.
xox,
Sandi
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Post by Lily on Feb 16, 2022 13:56:35 GMT
Yesterday wasn't quite as bad as I feared, but still not great. I still haven't got properly dressed for a while now. My chat with Jo is in 5 minutes and will update after that. as I normally do.
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Post by Jessica on Feb 16, 2022 15:23:14 GMT
I am sorry that things haven't improved much. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Makes me bummed to hear you're struggling so much. Feels like you could use a win in the worst way. I hope something good happens for you soon.
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Post by Lily on Feb 16, 2022 22:54:46 GMT
I have been doing a lot better today. You can see that I've been more active on here. Also I've been my most active on the Doctor Who discord too. One of them lives in the same town as me, and they were going through a rough patch this evening so I recommended my local LGBT+ group to them. It felt nice to help out someone else out at least a little bit. I've also had a few likes on Twitter too.
You might not feel like you're helping very much, but each message of support you post does make a difference.
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Post by Jessica on Feb 17, 2022 15:59:21 GMT
I appreciate that! And I am glad to see today is a brighter day. We got snow here in Cali today which is rare. The people here don't handle it well. Kansas City gets plenty of snow so I am used to it. But the natives.....well they're freaking out a little bit haha.
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Post by Lily on Feb 18, 2022 2:55:55 GMT
It doesn't snow that much here, and it's never all that heavy. Haven't had any that settled this winter I think. There's a big storm hitting the UK on Friday, very high winds are forecast. Won't be as strong here as some areas but still quite bad. I think the worse that would happen for us is a power cut.
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Post by Jessica on Feb 18, 2022 15:56:35 GMT
We lost power a bit because of high winds and my school had to cancel class at the end of the day. They just don't handle weather here very well haha.
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Post by Lily on Feb 18, 2022 22:39:26 GMT
I get the impression they just expect it to be warm and sunny all the time there.
We didn't get any loss of power. My sister's sleep was disturbed because it was noisy, other than we were OK.
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Post by Jessica on Feb 19, 2022 16:02:49 GMT
They do. And the aren't equipped with the infrastructure to deal with it if it isn't. Snow is a disaster, for example, because they don't have many (if any) snow plows or salting trucks in most towns here.
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Post by Maria on Feb 20, 2022 23:59:22 GMT
I know I've said this elsewhere today, but I'm so sorry that I disappeared for so long And even more so if your low period was in any way caused by either worrying about me, or by my not being around to talk to even a little bit. I like to think that I am a good friend to those that I care about, and I know that over the past month I really haven't lived up to that at all. I've just checked, and the gap between when I signed up for Rev and got the email saying I'd been accepted was 16 days. I seem to remember from looking at their forum (or maybe another site talking about them, I can't really remember) that waits of around a month weren't uncommon. But well done for passing the entrance test
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Post by Lily on Feb 21, 2022 2:24:54 GMT
I'm not sure there's any need for an apology. You had a lot on your plate to deal with. As I wrote originally, my low mood was caused by a combination of things, the main trigger was the situation described in that article, and what lengthened it was my feelings around the lack of support I get from family. Though I was very concerned about your welfare, I did not unduly fret over it or get anxious at all, as that wouldn't help the situation, only make me feel worse. I would have liked to have some indication as to what had happened, but I know from experience that sometimes even writing the simplest of messages can be difficult. I am very happy that your are back, and I'm glad that you are well. I also hope your daughter's situation can improve.
I am somewhat relieved to hear that I might still hear from Rev. It has not quite been a month yet, so it still falls within the timeframe you mention. How do I know I've passed the entrance test? I've only had the acknowledgement thanking me for my application.
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Post by Maria on Feb 21, 2022 22:49:59 GMT
I thought from memory that it told you at the time if you passed or not, and it was only if you had that your application went off to be considered. I did briefly sign up to another service before Rev though, so I might be getting them confused. I didn't stick that other one out for long though - there was less work available, which was harder and paid less... can't imagine why I jumped ship when I was approved by Rev š
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