Post by Lily on Mar 7, 2022 12:30:24 GMT
It's been two days since I attended my first meet-up organised by local LGBT+ charity SupportU. It was the first time I had met up with and spoke to other trans folk like myself. This includes all the time before I knew that I was trans as well.
I've written about the actual experience of going. How it measured up to my expectations, my general overall experience, and my thoughts on the meet-up and the social connections that can be made there. I've kept that in messages rather than out in public. Though I now wonder if it was so necessary to keep that hidden. There was no personal information involved in there, and I've certainly been more open about my inner thoughts and feelings out here in the open forum than in the messages. I'm not sure there's that much of a difference between who reads them, but I've always had the notion that what I've written about my experience might be helpful to others, that if newer members were to come along they'd be able to see them and perhaps gain some new insight or perspective. Having said that I won't repeat what I've written there because it's specifically about how that meet-up and group operates so would be of less value for others to read.
This isn't about the meeting. It's about my inner thought and reflections having met other people like myself face-to-face. Listening to their stories, experiences and problems. Hearing their words out loud, and seeing their expressions and body language. Seeing where they are in their journey.
I've had two main lines of thought since then about myself. Firstly that though I know I am trans, I don't feel quite as trans as them. I don't mean in terms of how far I've progressed with transitioning, either socially or medically, but more internally. That many of them have been living with knowledge of who they are for years, many since childhood. They had stronger, more obvious indicators as to who they really were. I had more minor ones and was able to convincingly dismiss these as nothing more than wanting to crossdress or a kink to be turned on by. There is this nagging feeling that I had a more diluted lesser form. That I quite easily lived oblivious to who I really was, and that if I could do that for over 30 years without knowingly struggling with it, that it doesn't quite count or is at the same level. This is all internal, no-one's ever implied or suggested that I am some form of lesser trans woman. However that doubt remains, telling me that my trans nature isn't quite so strong, and that this might really mean I'm not a trans woman after all, that I've been deluding myself, that I am something else. I have to remind myself of all that I've written on here, of all those thoughts, feelings and experiences, as to why I shouldn't think that way.
The other line of thought which contradicts the imposter syndrome of the first is the doubt that I will ever be able to medically transition, that the best I can hope for is to change my appearance via clothing and cosmetics. There was a lot of very depressing talk about waiting times here in the UK. At it stands those that are being seen by gender clinics were referred by their GPs 5 years ago. Someone at the meeting said that there has been an estimated 800% increase in referals to these clinincs during the Covid pandemic. Someone worked out that if gender services don't improve. at the current rate someone being referred now would have to wait 26 years. Therefore the only real option for anyone is to use private gender clinincs. However someone reported that some private gender services aren't taking on new patients at the moment as they are at full capacity. Though I could afford the initial payments to get a diagnosis and therefore get prescribed HRT, I do not know that I could afford the ongoing costs of those prescriptions. In my circumstances an NHS prescription would be free, even if it wasn't the cost would be fairly affordable. However private prescriptions would be much more. This would be on top of the huge rise in the cost of living the UK is experiencing.
The thought that I might never get the HRT that I need has been one of the reason I've been down so lately. Tied in with that is the regret that I didn't investigate and work it out sooner. Had I done so I either would've defintely had the money to go private, or I would've gone through the waiting process by now. Part of the reason for that 800% increase is that while in lockdown people had time for contemplation and introspection. I had all the time in the world for that for many years before the pandemic came along. Unfortunately I never did until seemingly everyone else worked it out. Those lost years wouldn't feel quite so bad if I was more hopeful for the future, that I could believe that in the near future I'd get what I want and need.
I've written about the actual experience of going. How it measured up to my expectations, my general overall experience, and my thoughts on the meet-up and the social connections that can be made there. I've kept that in messages rather than out in public. Though I now wonder if it was so necessary to keep that hidden. There was no personal information involved in there, and I've certainly been more open about my inner thoughts and feelings out here in the open forum than in the messages. I'm not sure there's that much of a difference between who reads them, but I've always had the notion that what I've written about my experience might be helpful to others, that if newer members were to come along they'd be able to see them and perhaps gain some new insight or perspective. Having said that I won't repeat what I've written there because it's specifically about how that meet-up and group operates so would be of less value for others to read.
This isn't about the meeting. It's about my inner thought and reflections having met other people like myself face-to-face. Listening to their stories, experiences and problems. Hearing their words out loud, and seeing their expressions and body language. Seeing where they are in their journey.
I've had two main lines of thought since then about myself. Firstly that though I know I am trans, I don't feel quite as trans as them. I don't mean in terms of how far I've progressed with transitioning, either socially or medically, but more internally. That many of them have been living with knowledge of who they are for years, many since childhood. They had stronger, more obvious indicators as to who they really were. I had more minor ones and was able to convincingly dismiss these as nothing more than wanting to crossdress or a kink to be turned on by. There is this nagging feeling that I had a more diluted lesser form. That I quite easily lived oblivious to who I really was, and that if I could do that for over 30 years without knowingly struggling with it, that it doesn't quite count or is at the same level. This is all internal, no-one's ever implied or suggested that I am some form of lesser trans woman. However that doubt remains, telling me that my trans nature isn't quite so strong, and that this might really mean I'm not a trans woman after all, that I've been deluding myself, that I am something else. I have to remind myself of all that I've written on here, of all those thoughts, feelings and experiences, as to why I shouldn't think that way.
The other line of thought which contradicts the imposter syndrome of the first is the doubt that I will ever be able to medically transition, that the best I can hope for is to change my appearance via clothing and cosmetics. There was a lot of very depressing talk about waiting times here in the UK. At it stands those that are being seen by gender clinics were referred by their GPs 5 years ago. Someone at the meeting said that there has been an estimated 800% increase in referals to these clinincs during the Covid pandemic. Someone worked out that if gender services don't improve. at the current rate someone being referred now would have to wait 26 years. Therefore the only real option for anyone is to use private gender clinincs. However someone reported that some private gender services aren't taking on new patients at the moment as they are at full capacity. Though I could afford the initial payments to get a diagnosis and therefore get prescribed HRT, I do not know that I could afford the ongoing costs of those prescriptions. In my circumstances an NHS prescription would be free, even if it wasn't the cost would be fairly affordable. However private prescriptions would be much more. This would be on top of the huge rise in the cost of living the UK is experiencing.
The thought that I might never get the HRT that I need has been one of the reason I've been down so lately. Tied in with that is the regret that I didn't investigate and work it out sooner. Had I done so I either would've defintely had the money to go private, or I would've gone through the waiting process by now. Part of the reason for that 800% increase is that while in lockdown people had time for contemplation and introspection. I had all the time in the world for that for many years before the pandemic came along. Unfortunately I never did until seemingly everyone else worked it out. Those lost years wouldn't feel quite so bad if I was more hopeful for the future, that I could believe that in the near future I'd get what I want and need.