Post by Maria on Jun 20, 2022 22:07:28 GMT
This past weekend, I was out very late on Friday night (a show which didn't finish till 1am). As I would be driving past my parents' house on my way back here, I had agreed with them in advance that rather than do the hour drive to get back here, I would do the 10 minute drive to theirs, stay overnight and then come back the next day. Which I do sometimes do when coming back from that venue, however on this occasion they were on holiday so it was just me in the house. So I packed an overnight bag with two changes of clothes (one for when I got up and another to change into for the journey back here), and a nightdress. When I got there, I unloaded my stuff into the house, drew the curtains and got changed. Then the next morning when I woke up, I dressed in the first change of clothes that I had packed for that day, and stayed in them for a few hours while I did a few bits and had some lunch.
Going to bed in my childhood bedroom and then waking up in it wearing the correct sleep attire, knowing that give or take a few inches I was in the exact same spot where 25 years ago I used to borderline cry myself to sleep wishing I could wake up as a girl. Getting dressed in the morning and fixing my hair and bra, using the mirror that I always used to see myself in and hate my reflection without really knowing why. Sitting in what used to be "my" seat at the dining room table to eat lunch. Curling up on the sofa that night after I got back, to have a drink and watch some TV wearing my nightdress. Several times per year I'll stay over, either just me or else with my daughter there too. But I've never had an opportunity like this before and possibly never will again. It stirred up a lot of feelings, I can't lie. I'm still processing a lot of them, but here's what I've got so far:
First and foremost how right it felt. Especially given the history of the location, but also as it was the first time that I've actually been dressed up anywhere other than my house. I went into it with a feeling that maybe because of where I was, that it would feel wrong and cause feelings of doubt or some level of discomfort. But I didn't have that at all. Secondly, as sort of alluded to above, a sense of almost reconciliation between my present and my past. My parents have lived in that house since before I was born, so I grew up there the entirety of my childhood. Obviously I can't replace those lost years, but in a way it almost slightly began to. Like with sleeping in that room - how many nights did I lie there wishing, and now here I was, in that same spot, as the person that I always wished I could be. I realise that is an experience not many people in my position would get a chance to have, and I feel very fortunate for having been able to have it. Thirdly though, a kind of deep sadness. Imagining what it would be like if I wasn't the only one in the house, and if I was able to stay as a guest, enjoying their company, but without having to pretend. To be able to be just as I was in that moment, but with the people who would also normally be there in that space. If I was able to reconcile the two halves of my present life, and knowing that that is almost certainly not possible. Also a heightened sense of some of those lost moments. For example, I took some photos while there as it would likely be my only chance. There was one in particular, of me posing in my childhood bedroom, that I couldn't stop looking at with a sense of melancholy. Imagining that it had been taken 15 years earlier, as I got ready to go to a party, or school event, having dressed up nice and feeling happy and excited, and having had someone else there taking the photo sharing in those feelings with me. As it was I didn't really go to any parties after the first couple of years of secondary school - I didn't even go to my school leavers event. And for the first time, rather than thinking "I wonder if it would have been different", in that moment, I pretty much knew without a shadow of a doubt that yes, it absolutely would have been different.
I'll leave it there for now. I'll update soon hopefully as I work through the other thoughts and feelings that have presented after this experience. Or at the least when I'm not falling asleep so I can hopefully put them into words better than I could right now lol!
Going to bed in my childhood bedroom and then waking up in it wearing the correct sleep attire, knowing that give or take a few inches I was in the exact same spot where 25 years ago I used to borderline cry myself to sleep wishing I could wake up as a girl. Getting dressed in the morning and fixing my hair and bra, using the mirror that I always used to see myself in and hate my reflection without really knowing why. Sitting in what used to be "my" seat at the dining room table to eat lunch. Curling up on the sofa that night after I got back, to have a drink and watch some TV wearing my nightdress. Several times per year I'll stay over, either just me or else with my daughter there too. But I've never had an opportunity like this before and possibly never will again. It stirred up a lot of feelings, I can't lie. I'm still processing a lot of them, but here's what I've got so far:
First and foremost how right it felt. Especially given the history of the location, but also as it was the first time that I've actually been dressed up anywhere other than my house. I went into it with a feeling that maybe because of where I was, that it would feel wrong and cause feelings of doubt or some level of discomfort. But I didn't have that at all. Secondly, as sort of alluded to above, a sense of almost reconciliation between my present and my past. My parents have lived in that house since before I was born, so I grew up there the entirety of my childhood. Obviously I can't replace those lost years, but in a way it almost slightly began to. Like with sleeping in that room - how many nights did I lie there wishing, and now here I was, in that same spot, as the person that I always wished I could be. I realise that is an experience not many people in my position would get a chance to have, and I feel very fortunate for having been able to have it. Thirdly though, a kind of deep sadness. Imagining what it would be like if I wasn't the only one in the house, and if I was able to stay as a guest, enjoying their company, but without having to pretend. To be able to be just as I was in that moment, but with the people who would also normally be there in that space. If I was able to reconcile the two halves of my present life, and knowing that that is almost certainly not possible. Also a heightened sense of some of those lost moments. For example, I took some photos while there as it would likely be my only chance. There was one in particular, of me posing in my childhood bedroom, that I couldn't stop looking at with a sense of melancholy. Imagining that it had been taken 15 years earlier, as I got ready to go to a party, or school event, having dressed up nice and feeling happy and excited, and having had someone else there taking the photo sharing in those feelings with me. As it was I didn't really go to any parties after the first couple of years of secondary school - I didn't even go to my school leavers event. And for the first time, rather than thinking "I wonder if it would have been different", in that moment, I pretty much knew without a shadow of a doubt that yes, it absolutely would have been different.
I'll leave it there for now. I'll update soon hopefully as I work through the other thoughts and feelings that have presented after this experience. Or at the least when I'm not falling asleep so I can hopefully put them into words better than I could right now lol!