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Post by Lily on Jul 29, 2022 16:01:56 GMT
There's so many thoughts and issues to process. I often find myself locked into puzzle solving mode, trying to move all the pieces into the right place, or find the right order to do everything. All parts of our body need rest including in this case, the brain.
Here are some of those thoughts.
I seem to have begun to really consider coming out to family, mainly my sister but other close relatives too. I think both of my siblings wouldn't like that I am suffering and struggling so, and that a factor in that is not being able to tell them because I am concerned, or is that afraid, of what their reaction would be. The time isn't right for me yet though, and I'm not thinking I'd do it particularly soon. If nothing else I know I'm not ready to present as female to any of them yet. In the meantime, not being able to explain how badly I'm doing, and putting on brave face, acting as the loving brother or helpful uncle takes its toll.
I hate seeing before and after photos of trans women. I find it difficult to believe I'm ever going to get the right hormones into my body, and seeing the results on someone else just reminds me of what I won't have. That isn't helped by the fact those hormones don't have as much impact at my age. Yes there are ways to appear more feminine without hormones, but isn't the same. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel going along to my local trans group with me stuck as I am, and most everyone else having had the benefit of medicine and, in some cases, surgery.
I have doubts as to how trans I am. I know that I must be but that voice remains "...but are you really?" or "I am trans, but not as trans as some are". One of the major factors in determining if you're trans or not, is how much your experiences match those of other trans folk, in my case other trans women. Though of course there is strong overlap, there are many common experiences that I simply didn't have - I never wished I was a girl or a woman, no building a male shell to hide behind, no secret life I've been hiding for years. There is this feeling that because it never manifested that strongly, that I managed to live this long without realising, that as I said, I'm not as trans as others. I am not looking for any reassurance that "Of course you are trans Lily", or any explanation, I just want you to know that I often feel that way.
That will do for the moment. I think three will suffice for now. Any more and they'd be lost in the crowd.
Lily
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Post by Maria on Jul 30, 2022 16:03:11 GMT
I know when we spoke the other day, the subject of living that kind of double life came up, and how hard it is. There isn't really anything new I can add, other than to reiterate that I know (as I'm sure we all do) how draining it can be, and the emotional effects it can have.
On your second point, I think what you lead with is the biggest hurdle - with things as they are right now, getting any kind of hormone treatment is a long road, before even considering what they might do. I know from the ones I've seen though, there are people older than you, who have had amazing results in a surprisingly short time. There again, there are people younger than me who have been on them for quite a long time, with far less results than they had wished for. I think really with them, it's a matter of how your body and genetics respond to them, more so than age necessarily (unless you are someone lucky enough to start with them at a very young age - then the changes will definitely be far more favourable). I would say that I have seen far more cases where the results have been very positive, from all ages, though of course those with positive outcomes are more likely to put up those kinds of photos. But there is absolutely no way to know one way or the other I don't think until you are in a position to try for yourself.
On the last one, my understanding is that the viewpoint where your "validity" as a trans person is dependant on how your journey compares to those of other trans people is gatekeepy c***, designed to make anyone who doesn't match that narrative doubt themselves and be put off from investigating any further something that might make them significantly happier. Perhaps I'm misreading what you're saying, but it does sound a little like in those moments of doubt, you're buying into that idea (which is very easy to do!) and that is feeding into imposter syndrome. At the end of the day, "trans" is just a descriptive label. Like... there are some trees near where I live which are very tall. The Eiffel Tower is also very tall, and significantly more so than the trees. But if I stand next to the trees, I don't think "well, they're not as tall as some things, so they're not REALLY tall". I would just use the word "tall" to accurately describe either/both. I suppose like how above you say that you don't like seeing photos of other trans women because it causes you to make comparisons to yourself, this sounds a bit the same, but with the comparison being of traits and histories rather than physical effects.
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Post by Lily on Jul 30, 2022 20:39:15 GMT
It really is that I'm so far away from getting them, if I ever do, that bothers me. The effect they have will be an improvement and I think I'll just be happy to just be on them. I do find it is the before and after aspect that bothers me. It's more that they are changing / have changed and I may never.
I think it some of it comes from a point of view of had I had more obvious or common signs and experiences then I might've realised sooner. From there the train of thought goes that if I'd realised sooner, I might've already transitioned or at least would be a lot further down the line. There's also an aspect of being Miss Oblivious living her life as a man until her 50s, and that I didn't so very successfully.
A lot of these feelings arose from attending RTrans for the first time. I have a habit of comparing myself unfavourably to others and did so again with this matter too. I was sitting there with women around my age that have known for decades, or women in their 20s and 30s who have already transtiioned.
As I said I know that I am trans, and I think I need to tell myself that's enough. My life outside of being trans was different to most others, and so it is no surprise that my earlier trans experiences were different too. It is also important to recognise the similarities and look at what was present, and not on what was absent.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 30, 2022 21:08:39 GMT
That is exciting that you've gotten to the point where you're seriously considering coming out. You've passed the point that I will EVER get to, so that is very exciting!
As for the other stuff I don't have much to say. You're probably right about the second thing. Its a bummer for me too. As for the "how trans am I" thing, I know that is a personal thing. But I don't see anything that leads me to believe you're "less" trans than anyone else. I know you weren't looking for reassurances but its true. You've already taken several steps and show the classic signs.
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