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Post by Lily on Dec 28, 2022 13:06:14 GMT
I just spent Christmas with family. I stayed over at my sister's for two nights. It wasn't awful or terrible but it felt extremely flat, or more likely it was me feeling that way. I wasn't how I am when I talk to me people that know me as Lily. I really felt that turned down the volume on myself, and for a lot of the time literally muted myself.
Then there were the presents. They had been bought for me as family's brother or uncle, and not sister or aunt - men's clothes and toiletries. They had put thought and effort into buying those for me thinking they match myself and my needs. This is how they see me as I haven't told them otherwise. It all felt very off.
There is also the complication that my sister doesn't have many more Christmases left. She was very active over the few days I spent there. However it's likely she won't be like that again over the festive period. It was one of the last I'll have with her, and there I was not being myself, wearing my clothes as a disguise, and suppressing my feelings and actions.
I don't want to spend any more Christmases like that. I want to be Lily at the next one.
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Post by Jessica on Dec 28, 2022 14:03:45 GMT
I want you to be Lily at the next one too. Lets make that happen!
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Post by Maria on Dec 31, 2022 14:44:41 GMT
That would definitely be an exciting thing to aim towards! Some sort of New Year's resolution perhaps?
I know exactly what you mean about the presents (and by extension, cards). Also I found it hit me a bit on Xmas morning, where my initial, half-asleep instinct (before rational brain kicked in) was "ok, today's a special day, so it'd be really nice to dress up and make myself looks nice". And then a few seconds later reality crashed back, reminding myself that that wasn't an option, at least not in the way that I would like. So jeans and a T-shirt it was, as per every other day. I have a similar dichotomy of feelings over tonight. I have two invites for where to spend new years eve. And for both, when I think about going, there's that momentary flash where I imagine being able to doll myself up, make myself look nice and feel I've made an effort, wear something special because it's not just a trip to the supermarket. And it feels so exciting. And then, again, reality slaps me across the face as I remember that whichever I go to, that is not an option. To the point where I almost feel like I would prefer to go to neither and just spend it by myself so that at least I can feel like myself and like I've made it special in that way, even though no-one would see. I know that's probably not a healthy thing to do though, so I've accepted the invitation to see in 2023 with my daughter and her mum and her family. Which I'm sure will be nice, but just not as much as I know it could be!
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Post by Lily on Jan 1, 2023 8:27:21 GMT
I spent New Year's Eve at home. That would've happened even if I hadn't been ill. Was downstairs with my nephew for the last few minutes of the countdown. Our inital response to reaching midnight was "Fuck you 2022!" not "Happy New Year"
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Post by Jessica on Jan 1, 2023 14:59:12 GMT
We had a small gathering of friends at our house. It was nice. I hope everyone's 2023 is a significant improvement over their 2022. Including my track team haha.
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