|
Post by Lily on Jun 26, 2021 5:17:00 GMT
Hi it's me again. That chubby little cutie that can't stop creating new threads. I was just about to have a bite to eat, then go to bed, but of course my mind had other ideas. I honestly didn't think I'd be writing another post like this today, well this morning as it is now That revelation I had on Thursday ( Woori-Mei and the Missing Puzzle Pieces) combined with other discoveries really sent me down a bad path. I was thinking of the life I could have had if I'd realised sooner. Maria and Jessica have pointed out that it's better late than never, that some don't find out until they're 90 or never do at all. They were both right to point that out, and I fully understood the supportive message that it was sending. I knew the intents of those words weren't "Just get over it", far from it. Those were sent with love and support, asking me to look at the situation from a different perspective, so as to help me move on. However it has been nagging away at me that most of my life has been unhappy, and that if only I'd known sooner that I could've been happier. I knew that this feeling of regret needed more to be overcome and that I needed to do so. The fact is I cannot change my past, and that I'm only harming myself with these negative feelings. Chloe has left an open offer to us all, for her to create an image of ourselves as we imagine our female form to be. I initially thought that I didn't need this because I had no image, that changed and I began to use Overwatch's Mei as an image of how I saw my female side. After Tuesday night that changed again, especially after seeing some amazing results from Faceapp using photos that I took that night. I was her, she was me. Mei now just the being the cartoon me, a useful resource of images to use. I knew what the female me looked like, it was based on my real face, not an artist's imagination of a chubby bespectacled scientist. Now I needed the body, it took me a while but I eventually found two models whose body shape clearly matched the picture in my head. I sent the photos to Chloe, and soon after she sent me a sample, the first results of her work. Well ladies this BLEW MY MIND There in front of me was the woman I might have been. No longer was she this blurry half-imagined image. She was there before me, smiling, radiant in red. I then started to picture this woman, me or should that be Mei, moving about in the world. Living her life as I might have done at various stages of my/her/our life/lives. These were such great images to have. However it also compounded that regret of not realising sooner. The regret had been added to by now thinking that I had denied this pretty woman a chance to be in this world, and by extension her chance of happiness. However I didn't realise earlier and that fact remains unchangable. So what to do about it all then? In the past week, I had already thought about the differences in my life had I been born a girl. How others would have treated me. Well in the past two days using that image from Chloe's creation, I began to imagine a little of that life. From her time as a young girl up until more recent years. All of these imagined episodes of my life have better outcomes of course, but why would you dream of a worse life for yourself? I was going to list what all these episodes would have been, but now think that it would be oversharing. You don't need to know the specifics of how and why things would've been better, you just need to know that there's quite a few, and that they would have made significant improvements to my life. The long and the short of it is that I would have lived a much happier and contented existence. Now you might ask "Woori-Mei, what's the difference between all that and the big regret that you have? Isn't it exactly the same thing?" Well no, the difference is in seeing it a different way. Seeing it from a different perspective, as both Jessica and Maria had suggested to me. That instead of regretting this happy life I never had, that I should imagine it instead. Create it in my mind and enjoy it. Create new happy "memories" of this young girl's childhood and school life. Picture new "memories" of fitting in and making new friends. Imagine my new old life of being a little sister who was the playmate of her big sister, and the apple of her big brother's eye. These imagined memories can carry on into her older life too of course, but you get the point. While I can't change the past, I should use this opportunity, arising from my new gender identity, to imagine a better alternative one. That this is a clear advantage of discovering I'm a "closeted trans girl". One that I would never would've had if I'd remained stuck in my old cis mentality. I would've still looked at my past with many of the same regrets, but not have had the joy of thinking of a more suitable female past for myself. I can't promise that I will never slip back into thinking that I wished I discovered sooner, but I have now found a solution for when that happens. Thank you for your time in reading this. I feel much better leaving this on a happy note unlike last time xox, Woori-Mei
|
|
|
Post by chloé on Jun 26, 2021 9:22:59 GMT
Hi Woori, I’m very happy if you find yourself finally. And I’m happy if my picture helped you to advance in your life. You shared so much with us, with Jess, Maria, Francie and I. We followed your blossoming. When I see all the members and how many interact really, I think we are really a group of 5 girls. Continue, we will be with you. ❤️ Chloé
If you want other photos tell me, I can help you 😉
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Jun 26, 2021 9:49:07 GMT
Chloe, Your picture really brought her to life, and I think it was useful that it wasn't a current picture of me, but one from 12 years ago. That helped me connect this all more with my past, and therefore my whole life. A current photo would perhaps have just connected with my life now in this new start. Thank you very much for those kind words. I couldn't have done any of this if you weren't all here to read and understand. I agree I think we are a group of 5 girls too. Can you call yourself a girl at 52? I so like the image of all of us together looking like how'd really want to look like. Part of the joy I've had in all this has been making friends with you all here. I hope we can get new members into our group too. I'm here for all of you too. xox, Woori-Mei PS - I already have an idea for another photo, should I just email you the images when I'm ready?
|
|
|
Post by chloé on Jun 26, 2021 11:27:25 GMT
Chloe, Your picture really brought her to life, and I think it was useful that it wasn't a current picture of me, but one from 12 years ago. That helped me connect this all more with my past, and therefore my whole life. A current photo would perhaps have just connected with my life now in this new start. Thank you very much for those kind words. I couldn't have done any of this if you weren't all here to read and understand. I agree I think we are a group of 5 girls too. Can you call yourself a girl at 52? I so like the image of all of us together looking like how'd really want to look like. Part of the joy I've had in all this has been making friends with you all here. I hope we can get new members into our group too. I'm here for all of you too. xox, Woori-Mei PS - I already have an idea for another photo, should I just email you the images when I'm ready? Hi, Yes we are still girls in our mind, even if our bodies scream women. As my wife tells me often, she has 4 children, I’m still a boy😉. I think women stays girls in their mind. If you have other idea of body and new faces. Better is the quality of the photo better is the picture. Take some distance, selfie are difficult to use. Since I use my pentax K1 my faceapp photos are nearly perfect. Send it to me, i’ll do the job. Love Chloé
|
|
|
Post by Maria on Jun 26, 2021 13:08:56 GMT
I'm so glad you feel brighter today, Worri-Mei 😀 That sounds like a really uplifting thing, being able to reframe and reimagine those past experiences. It had never really occurred to me to try out the app with older photos. I've been using it more as a mirror that edits in real-time, so that I can see myself as I feel in that moment. I will have to see if I can dig out some older photos of me and try it out on them, to see what emotions that evokes in me!
|
|
|
Post by Jessica on Jun 26, 2021 15:53:56 GMT
Hello Woori-Mei,
We all have those days! I don't say that to sound flippant, but to say that we know how you feel. It will absolutely ebb and flow. Some days you will feel crappy, and some you will feel elated. I think it unfortunately comes with the territory of what happens when you hide a part of yourself from the world.
I can not tell you how much time I have spent imagining what my life would have been like if I had been born a girl. Those Faceapp shifts really brought it home for me in an even bigger way, as I really found that my pictures looked like my sister. And when I aged them for fun, they REALLY looked like my mom and aunts. So I really do think that is at least somewhat how I would look. And I wonder where that version of me would have been in the world! Probably happier, to be sure. Just to feel more naturally like you are what the world sees you as has to do wonders for your happiness.
Glad you are feeling better! It will be a roller coaster, to be honest, for the rest of your life. But we are here for you!
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Jun 26, 2021 21:09:23 GMT
Hello Woori-Mei, We all have those days! I don't say that to sound flippant, but to say that we know how you feel. It will absolutely ebb and flow. Some days you will feel crappy, and some you will feel elated. I think it unfortunately comes with the territory of what happens when you hide a part of yourself from the world. I can not tell you how much time I have spent imagining what my life would have been like if I had been born a girl. Those Faceapp shifts really brought it home for me in an even bigger way, as I really found that my pictures looked like my sister. And when I aged them for fun, they REALLY looked like my mom and aunts. So I really do think that is at least somewhat how I would look. And I wonder where that version of me would have been in the world! Probably happier, to be sure. Just to feel more naturally like you are what the world sees you as has to do wonders for your happiness. Glad you are feeling better! It will be a roller coaster, to be honest, for the rest of your life. But we are here for you! Jessica, What I find interesting is that I look a lot like my mother, as she did her father. So even before I came here, I always thought I knew what I would look like as a woman. I would just look like her, and that it wouldn't be that big of a reveal. However those Faceapp'd photos of me don't quite look like ther. I was that different enough that I saw another woman. It wasn't a younger version of my mother that I saw, it was instead me, her daughter. That was such a shocking revelation to me. I think must have been a big step also. I may be re-writing what I felt then, I've been through so much it's difficult to remember. I think that it took away those last remnants of the idea that it was all pretend. The idea that I was trying to play the part of a woman, i.e. here's me just looking like my mum. Instead of that I was being a woman, that I was not trying to look like her, but that I was her daughter. My own being with my own thoughts, hopes and dreams. What Chloe did of course was to give her (or is that me)a body, arms and legs, so that she/I could act in the world too. I am feeling a lot better now. The new perspective I've found has settled me down a lot. When I wasn't regretting the past 30 years or so, I was thinking about how to overcome those regrets. I had been worried too, that I might write a reply to you that could be construed as mean-spirited or angry, when I all I was really feeling was sad. Somehow the thought of using this to my benefit popped out of my head, and here I am. I'm sure I'm not the only here, probably all of us feel this, but interacting with everyone here really reinforces to me who I really am. That at least on here I can be myself. I worry how I might slip back into old ways if I didn't have that reinforcement from somewhere, so I will be here as long as I can be. I am here for all of you too. I feel that as far as being a closeted trans girl goes, I have it easier than the others here. I do not have the concerns of being a husband or father, nor losing employment. I cannot lose what I did not obtain for myself. I have also just got here, so keeping the secret has not been wearing down on me like it has for you and the others. I hated having to lie my sister this week. That was only one lie though, so I only have the barest inkling as to what everyone else has gone through in having to do so for years. xox, Woori-Mei
|
|
|
Post by Jessica on Jun 26, 2021 23:02:58 GMT
Hello Woori-Mei, We all have those days! I don't say that to sound flippant, but to say that we know how you feel. It will absolutely ebb and flow. Some days you will feel crappy, and some you will feel elated. I think it unfortunately comes with the territory of what happens when you hide a part of yourself from the world. I can not tell you how much time I have spent imagining what my life would have been like if I had been born a girl. Those Faceapp shifts really brought it home for me in an even bigger way, as I really found that my pictures looked like my sister. And when I aged them for fun, they REALLY looked like my mom and aunts. So I really do think that is at least somewhat how I would look. And I wonder where that version of me would have been in the world! Probably happier, to be sure. Just to feel more naturally like you are what the world sees you as has to do wonders for your happiness. Glad you are feeling better! It will be a roller coaster, to be honest, for the rest of your life. But we are here for you! Jessica, What I find interesting is that I look a lot like my mother, as she did her father. So even before I came here, I always thought I knew what I would look like as a woman. I would just look like her, and that it wouldn't be that big of a reveal. However those Faceapp'd photos of me don't quite look like ther. I was that different enough that I saw another woman. It wasn't a younger version of my mother that I saw, it was instead me, her daughter. That was such a shocking revelation to me. I think must have been a big step also. I may be re-writing what I felt then, I've been through so much it's difficult to remember. I think that it took away those last remnants of the idea that it was all pretend. The idea that I was trying to play the part of a woman, i.e. here's me just looking like my mum. Instead of that I was being a woman, that I was not trying to look like her, but that I was her daughter. My own being with my own thoughts, hopes and dreams. What Chloe did of course was to give her (or is that me)a body, arms and legs, so that she/I could act in the world too. I am feeling a lot better now. The new perspective I've found has settled me down a lot. When I wasn't regretting the past 30 years or so, I was thinking about how to overcome those regrets. I had been worried too, that I might write a reply to you that could be construed as mean-spirited or angry, when I all I was really feeling was sad. Somehow the thought of using this to my benefit popped out of my head, and here I am. I'm sure I'm not the only here, probably all of us feel this, but interacting with everyone here really reinforces to me who I really am. That at least on here I can be myself. I worry how I might slip back into old ways if I didn't have that reinforcement from somewhere, so I will be here as long as I can be. I am here for all of you too. I feel that as far as being a closeted trans girl goes, I have it easier than the others here. I do not have the concerns of being a husband or father, nor losing employment. I cannot lose what I did not obtain for myself. I have also just got here, so keeping the secret has not been wearing down on me like it has for you and the others. I hated having to lie my sister this week. That was only one lie though, so I only have the barest inkling as to what everyone else has gone through in having to do so for years. xox, Woori-Mei That is a really cool revelation. It sounds like you are really coming to terms with who you are! I have to admit I was kind of hoping I wouldn't look so much like my relatives but I really did. Honestly it looks more like my cousins than sister but I totally saw my cousins on my moms side there. Very much so. Also I am glad you're using this site for its intended purpose. I am so glad I have this place to let this part out of me too! You all have been great. Heres hoping we are here for a good while and bring in some new sisters as well! Also, not to speak for you but you did not "just get here". At least I don't think so. Woori-Mei has always been there. She just needed to be able to spread her wings a bit. But I don't believe you have avoided having to deal with this for 52 years.....you've been carrying the secret all along just like the rest of us. I could be wrong about that but if I had to guess, she has always been a part of you. And I hope that doesn't come off wrong/mean spirited. I mean it in a very nice way. Love ya sister, Jess
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Jun 27, 2021 0:35:53 GMT
Now Jessica, why would I think you were being mean-spirited? You've been so lovely to me since I've been here.
I think you make a great point. I wouldn't have come here in the first place, if I had not some doubts and feelings. It was that I never had a chance to talk about it all before. If I had the chance to express how felt back when I had the first inclination with this, I could've started this exploration in my late teens. The secret was kept by me consciously or subconciously misinterpreting all the signals, guided by all the cis BS that we all get fed. It was kept by the fact I pushed that all to one side, but who and where would I have got any information from? To pick up on a point you made elsewhere, there was no internet back then, and I was this extremely messed up kid who was probably too shy, let alone too ashamed, to search for any avenues of exploration that there might have been. In summary, though I only just got "here" as in this place and discovering who was really inside of me, this has dragged me down, one way or another, for over 30 years. Probably since before you were born Jess. So yes, you are right.
After all that I think I need a hug right now.
Woori-Mei
Jessica - I hope I didn't come across as being angry in that big paragraph. If there is anger in there, it isn't being directed at you or me
|
|
|
Post by Jessica on Jun 27, 2021 15:37:10 GMT
FWIW I was born in 1988 haha. I turn 33 this fall. You've revealed your age so I should probably reveal mine!
Woori you are a bit of a unique person with all this. Most people see pretty clear signs from an early age and repress them. You had a long time before you really came to terms which is probably why the floodgates are just now opening.
But worry not, we love you all the same. There is no one "correct" experience.
|
|
|
Post by chloé on Jun 27, 2021 16:35:39 GMT
I totally agree with Jessica, The most important is to find yourself and other girls to share. I’m so happy to know you, I waited for 30 years before daring to meet other girls and you open so well your feelings that I think you are the most courageous. We are here for the others. I think I will buy girls stuff like you did, I’m jealous and I want to have my own dress, skirts, tops and bras. You gave me the courage to do it. When I will choose, I will show you everyting. kiss Chloé
|
|
|
Post by Lily on Jun 27, 2021 23:25:08 GMT
Jessica - I know you all love of me. I genuinely do feel that when I read the words you all send me. It be corny, but it does fill my heart with joy.
Chloe - I'm so happy to get to know you all too. I'm pleased that I'm one of the girls that you've met after those 30 years. Might I say that many times on here you have sounded like the mother that you are.
I know I've expressed today about not fitting in, but I really do feel that I belong here, and that I am an equal part of this chain of five women. I am so much happier to have you all in my life.
xox,
Woori-Mei
|
|
|
Post by Jessica on Jun 28, 2021 6:47:11 GMT
|
|
|
Post by chloé on Jun 28, 2021 6:59:06 GMT
All for one, one for all as the musketeers say in alexander Dumas book.
|
|
|
Post by Maria on Jun 28, 2021 20:45:05 GMT
I think I was like a halfway house with my experience. I had those realisations as a child, then subconsciously pushed them down and forgot about them. Then there were plenty of other signs over the years, but because my subconscious had buried that truth, I never connected them to it. Until one day I did! I've been thinking today about how since that realisation, my connection to that truth has changed. As I think I mentioned elsewhere, it has always seemed to come in waves, where some of the time I've had no problem with presenting as male and other times I've been acutely aware that that is putting on a front and feels very, very wrong. Based on previous waves, in theory I should soon reach the point where it fades into the background again, but I'm not sure it will this time. Partly because I think I am more accepting of myself now, and aware that I am a woman who looks like a man, rather than a man who wants to be a woman (if that makes sense? A subtle but important difference!) But the other reason I think it won't, and which has also fed into my self-acceptance in a big way I think, is having our little community of amazing ladies to chat about stuff with It's no longer just putting on some different clothes and thinking "I wonder and I wish". It's having real conversations, with real people, as myself and without having to guard my words and the sentiments I convey. And it's experiencing how much better that is than what I've had to do in every other conversation I've ever had. So thank you all 😊💗
|
|