Post by Lily on Jun 29, 2021 8:18:57 GMT
So much for taking a break from self-analysis Here's another one of my longer posts. I wasn't sure where to put this but ultimately thought that a new thread would be better than tacking it on the end of another thread of mine.
This may be a bit heavy going, and words on the page lack a tone of voice. While reading this think that I am saying it in a calm measured tone, and not in a sad, angry or bitter voice.
As you know, I have very recently accepted the fact that I am trans, and that a big part of my reaction to this isn't the worry for the future, but thinking back on the past. All those years that I could have lived so very differerently. I have come up with ways of thinking and dealing with this, which I have shared with you.
I have noticed two things in my actions and feelings on this however -
1) That I have been trying to quickly move on, to live in the moment and look forward to the future. I have commented on other posts that dwelling on the past does me no good.
2) I have been feeling that though you have all been very loving and supportive through all this, that you still didn't quite get it. Part of me thinking that you haven't lived my life. You are not 52, experiencing my life as it is now. I hope I am not being mean-spirited about this, as I know everything that you have said to me, has been said with love and support. Please none of you feel guilty either. I might have said exactly the same thing to a friend too given the situtation. However I feel I would keeping this from you if I did not tell you that.
This morning I realised why this was all troubling me so -
I have to acknowledge that I have suffered loss here or, at the very least, that I strongly feel that I have. That I believe I could have lived a better life had I known earlier. Given that conclusion, that I have to treat it as such. I need to treat it as a proper loss, that needs to go through the full grieving process. That I cannot just brush this to the side and not deal with it appropriately, as I have done so many times in my life before. Just put in a box to deal with later, but never do.
As someone that has experienced grief through personal bereavement a number of times, I do not feel any guilt about acknowledging this as grief. That I am not insulting anyone else's loss by treating the loss of those potential years as grief. Yes, it is a very different, smaller loss, but it is still a loss.
I have been trying to push away these feelings of anger, regret and sadness. However I need to acknowledge that is right and proper that I do feel this way about those lost years. I also need to realise that while I don't wish to get stuck in this grief, that the best way of doing this is not by rushing it. I need to properly think, reflect and act to move on at the appropriate speed. That the pace of the voyage of discovery is too fast for the journey towards acceptance of my loss.
All that I would ask of you is to view my thoughts and feelings on this in the same way. Should any of you feel you need to apologise, then please know that there is no need to do so. That there is nothing for you to apologise for. This is just me telliing you what my new approach is.
Thank you for your time in reading this
xox,
Woori-Mei
This may be a bit heavy going, and words on the page lack a tone of voice. While reading this think that I am saying it in a calm measured tone, and not in a sad, angry or bitter voice.
As you know, I have very recently accepted the fact that I am trans, and that a big part of my reaction to this isn't the worry for the future, but thinking back on the past. All those years that I could have lived so very differerently. I have come up with ways of thinking and dealing with this, which I have shared with you.
I have noticed two things in my actions and feelings on this however -
1) That I have been trying to quickly move on, to live in the moment and look forward to the future. I have commented on other posts that dwelling on the past does me no good.
2) I have been feeling that though you have all been very loving and supportive through all this, that you still didn't quite get it. Part of me thinking that you haven't lived my life. You are not 52, experiencing my life as it is now. I hope I am not being mean-spirited about this, as I know everything that you have said to me, has been said with love and support. Please none of you feel guilty either. I might have said exactly the same thing to a friend too given the situtation. However I feel I would keeping this from you if I did not tell you that.
This morning I realised why this was all troubling me so -
I have to acknowledge that I have suffered loss here or, at the very least, that I strongly feel that I have. That I believe I could have lived a better life had I known earlier. Given that conclusion, that I have to treat it as such. I need to treat it as a proper loss, that needs to go through the full grieving process. That I cannot just brush this to the side and not deal with it appropriately, as I have done so many times in my life before. Just put in a box to deal with later, but never do.
As someone that has experienced grief through personal bereavement a number of times, I do not feel any guilt about acknowledging this as grief. That I am not insulting anyone else's loss by treating the loss of those potential years as grief. Yes, it is a very different, smaller loss, but it is still a loss.
I have been trying to push away these feelings of anger, regret and sadness. However I need to acknowledge that is right and proper that I do feel this way about those lost years. I also need to realise that while I don't wish to get stuck in this grief, that the best way of doing this is not by rushing it. I need to properly think, reflect and act to move on at the appropriate speed. That the pace of the voyage of discovery is too fast for the journey towards acceptance of my loss.
All that I would ask of you is to view my thoughts and feelings on this in the same way. Should any of you feel you need to apologise, then please know that there is no need to do so. That there is nothing for you to apologise for. This is just me telliing you what my new approach is.
Thank you for your time in reading this
xox,
Woori-Mei