Post by Maria on Jul 2, 2021 20:09:40 GMT
This is something I have been thinking about for a while. I suspect that it may well be more unique to me than some of the others things we've discussed, but something may end up being somewhat similar, and if not then at the very least it will give you more of an insight into who I am.
Just as some background context on this: I have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Which means that things like social interactions and social cues that other people will instinctively learn how to navigate and recognise... not so much for me. For example, if talking about a topic that interests me, I struggle to know when to stop talking (is the other person bored? Impatient? Annoyed? Passing out from the fatigue of how long I've been talking? Who knows!) This can also lead to a fair amount of social anxiety, especially if it involves being around people I don't know (or don't know well). As an aside, it turns out that autistic traits are more prevalent among those who are transgender, and there is a much higher incidence of transgenderism than average among those who are on the autistic spectrum. I realised I was most likely on the spectrum about a year before I realised I was trans, and at that moment a LOT of my past suddenly started to make a lot more sense. I saw a psychologist a couple of years ago, and while he couldn't give me an official diagnosis (that isn't what we were there for) he is a professional who wrote his PhD on Aspergers (a "mild" form of autism, like me) and he confirmed that yes, I did have it.
Something I had always felt about myself was that in a way I didn't have a "real" personality. I remember watching a film about the actor Peter Sellers, and in it he said that he didn't have a personality himself, he was just an empty vessel waiting for each of his parts to inhabit. That struck a chord with me. After my ASD realisation I started to think about this more. There were moments where I could literally think back on a conversation I'd just had and be able to think "well the word choices I copied person X, the vocal delivery was in the style of person Y, and the physical mannerisms while I was doing it were taken from person Z". So I was like a patchwork of bits and pieces taken from other people's personalities, rather than having a concrete one myself. And I thought, well this makes sense - I didn't learn naturally how to interact socially, so instead I have learned by copying. I know everyone picks up things from those around them, and I was just more aware of it through this self-analysis. But even when I was just by myself, I would still be aware there were things I was copying, even though there was no one else around to copy for.
I have realised recently though, that when I am talking to all of you on here, and when I am dressed up or even just being authentic to myself at home, I don't do this. Like writing this... I couldn't tell you who the writing style is based on. Which makes me think it must actually be mine. That there is something concrete there after all. That maybe rather than it being the case that I didn't know how to interact at all because of the ASD, it was that I didn't know how to interact AS A GUY, because I wasn't one. Hence me creating this patchwork personality (of which every single contributor is male - perhaps a telling fact) to hide behind. And perhaps the link to ASD is that trans women without it can still instinctively learn how to be a guy, even if it's not as natural. Or maybe we all do it, and it's just because of the self-analysis that I'd already done that I became aware of it. And perhaps if I had been born female, my past (and quite possibly present and future) would not have been as impacted by the ASD.
Oh I've written so much... hands up who has passed out from fatigue š Err... TL:DR version - does anyone else feel like they have consciously or subconsciously constructed a "fake" male personality to hide behind, based on other males who you perceive as successful at the thing you're copying?
Just as some background context on this: I have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Which means that things like social interactions and social cues that other people will instinctively learn how to navigate and recognise... not so much for me. For example, if talking about a topic that interests me, I struggle to know when to stop talking (is the other person bored? Impatient? Annoyed? Passing out from the fatigue of how long I've been talking? Who knows!) This can also lead to a fair amount of social anxiety, especially if it involves being around people I don't know (or don't know well). As an aside, it turns out that autistic traits are more prevalent among those who are transgender, and there is a much higher incidence of transgenderism than average among those who are on the autistic spectrum. I realised I was most likely on the spectrum about a year before I realised I was trans, and at that moment a LOT of my past suddenly started to make a lot more sense. I saw a psychologist a couple of years ago, and while he couldn't give me an official diagnosis (that isn't what we were there for) he is a professional who wrote his PhD on Aspergers (a "mild" form of autism, like me) and he confirmed that yes, I did have it.
Something I had always felt about myself was that in a way I didn't have a "real" personality. I remember watching a film about the actor Peter Sellers, and in it he said that he didn't have a personality himself, he was just an empty vessel waiting for each of his parts to inhabit. That struck a chord with me. After my ASD realisation I started to think about this more. There were moments where I could literally think back on a conversation I'd just had and be able to think "well the word choices I copied person X, the vocal delivery was in the style of person Y, and the physical mannerisms while I was doing it were taken from person Z". So I was like a patchwork of bits and pieces taken from other people's personalities, rather than having a concrete one myself. And I thought, well this makes sense - I didn't learn naturally how to interact socially, so instead I have learned by copying. I know everyone picks up things from those around them, and I was just more aware of it through this self-analysis. But even when I was just by myself, I would still be aware there were things I was copying, even though there was no one else around to copy for.
I have realised recently though, that when I am talking to all of you on here, and when I am dressed up or even just being authentic to myself at home, I don't do this. Like writing this... I couldn't tell you who the writing style is based on. Which makes me think it must actually be mine. That there is something concrete there after all. That maybe rather than it being the case that I didn't know how to interact at all because of the ASD, it was that I didn't know how to interact AS A GUY, because I wasn't one. Hence me creating this patchwork personality (of which every single contributor is male - perhaps a telling fact) to hide behind. And perhaps the link to ASD is that trans women without it can still instinctively learn how to be a guy, even if it's not as natural. Or maybe we all do it, and it's just because of the self-analysis that I'd already done that I became aware of it. And perhaps if I had been born female, my past (and quite possibly present and future) would not have been as impacted by the ASD.
Oh I've written so much... hands up who has passed out from fatigue š Err... TL:DR version - does anyone else feel like they have consciously or subconsciously constructed a "fake" male personality to hide behind, based on other males who you perceive as successful at the thing you're copying?