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Post by Lily on Jul 19, 2021 18:38:56 GMT
DISCLAIMER - This thread contains no examples of transphobia. Its purpose is to discuss healthy ways to deal with it.
Having only recently acknowledged and accepted that I am a trans girl, I'm coming to grips with a lot of new things. Unfortunately one of those things is encountering and dealing with transphobic stories and comments. For a lot of today I have been seething with rage after reading transphobic opinions and comments.
I also have an issue with getting in contact with long-time friend of mine. I have been concerned as to how I might react when I hear his opinions on trans issues. I worry that I will react very angrily, and also potentially out myself in that rage.
I am curious to know how you deal with these two different scenarios. FIrstly encountering transphobia online, secondly dealing with it when it's coming from someone that you know. Also feel free to widen this out to other scenarios. These were just the two that sprang to mind for me.
I am looking for some insight how to deal with these healthily for myself. It is right that I should be angry or annoyed at such opinions and actions, and so do want to deny that feeling and let it fester. However I don't wish to feel that anger raging in me for hours on end either.
Thanks,
Sandi Mae
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Post by Maria on Jul 19, 2021 22:57:15 GMT
A good question. To start with what for me is the easier one: seeing it online (or in media, generally): Since my current wave of dysphoria kicked off a few months ago, I have been watching a lot of trans vloggers, which is something that I had never done before. My favourite is a guy called Jammidodger, who is an English trans man. He does a lot of videos reacting to memes/tiktoks and things like that. Not just the positive ones, but also the transphobic content too. The amazing thing about him is that not only is he incredibly funny, but he is also working towards a PhD in something to do with gender. So he can explain exactly why the transphobe is wrong and make you laugh while doing so. I've watched so many now, that basically any transphobic thing I see, chances are I've seen something very similar on one of his videos and can just laugh about it. I think that understanding is probably one of the most powerful things I've found in combating my own internalised transphobia as well. As for in person... I really think it depends on who the person is, the context, how strong their views, so many different factors really. Like, there are people I know who DO make those kinds of jokes, and because of what they're like and my relationship to them I just sort of give a polite half-laugh and move on. I wish I could say I didn't, but honestly trying to do anything else is going to achieve nothing positive and create a whole lot of awkward as well. The flip side where I would say something... here's an example. A couple of years ago my band played a birthday party, and there was a young trans girl in the audience. After the show, we were packing down, and one of my bandmates pointed her out to me (we were hidden behind the stage curtain) and said "see her, someone was saying she used to be a guy". Not in a horrible way, more in like a "I have no experience of this and she passes really well and my brain can't quite compute," kind of way. At the time, I just said something like "yeah? Wow" as I wasn't sure what else to say. If it were to happen now, being wiser and more prepared, and knowing that that friend is a good guy who would never want to cause offence, I would say "Yeah? You know, I was reading a while back and apparently biological sex and brain gender are different in trans people, so while she may have looked male, actually she's never been a guy. And apparently if a trans person heard you say that, it would be quite offensive". Lets him know where he's gone wrong without being judgemental, and does so without outing me As to your friend, it's hard without knowing the specifics of the friendship, but could you say that someone you've recently come to know is trans and you've been doing some research to learn about it due to that? Again - that's then your angle for why you know this stuff (and are emotionally invested in it) without outing yourself.
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Post by Lily on Jul 20, 2021 0:12:36 GMT
Thanks for your reply Maria.
I will have to have look at Jammidodger's videos. It sounds like the perfect antidote.
You give a good example of how to respond when you think you can educate and inform. If you know the person well enough and think that they'll listen, then that's the best thing to do.
As for my friend I think the issue is unlikely to come up. Though I can't recall any transphobic comments he's made, there is one particular homophobic phrase he trots out whenever that subject is raised. If he did say the wrong thing I'd find that very difficult to deal with. At the moment I think I'd either get into a row, or surpress or control my anger and then become very bitter towards him. Either scenario won't do any good for our friendship, which has become more and more tenuous in the past few years. However he is the only friend I have that I can meet up with, and we did use to be really close. I'm not prone to anger at all normally, generally I am very laid back and easy going, but I know that with this it just isn't the case.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 20, 2021 15:05:01 GMT
It is actually something that has made me very, very angry both online and in person. All anti-LGBTQ+ stuff. This makes me doubly angry if the attack is against kids. There have been organized political attacks on trans kids here in America from the right and it just about makes me pop off. Talk about targeting the most vulnerable among us. Absolutely makes me sick. You have these kids who are already extremely insecure in themselves and are vulnerable to the worst things like suicide and you are targeting them and making them feel like there is something wrong with them, they are bad and perverse, and less than whole.
Between this and my gay brother I have been pretty outspoken about it. I have gotten into some arguments with acquaintances and online, and have given money to several causes supporting trans youth. People who know me know how I feel and usually steer clear of the subject when they are near me.
Sometimes, though, I think it may do more harm than good with people. Recently I have tried to be more like Maria....just talking with the person instead of coming down on them. If you come down on them, their defenses will go up immediately which makes having any sort of actually useful discussion impossive.
Gets me worked up just thinking about it though. If you're an asshole, just leave trans kids alone and pick on someone your own size.
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Post by Maria on Jul 21, 2021 8:24:47 GMT
I don't think it's much better over here. At the end of last year they "paused" referrals for puberty blockers. So if you come out as trans as a teenager now, basically too bad - you're going through the wrong puberty, living with the torment of that for years and then having to have more surgeries which are more complex to correct all the things that going through that incorrect puberty has caused. All rather than just being allowed to take a medicine which pauses, not stops, puberty. So if they did then realise that they aren't trans after all, no harm done, just stop taking the medicine and puberty will go ahead as it otherwise would have done, just a little later in time. I don't know which I hate more, that trans people (and LGBT people in general) are used as a political football, or that there is enough popular sentiment against us to make politicising us a viable strategy
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Post by Lily on Jul 21, 2021 13:04:07 GMT
I don't think it's much better over here. At the end of last year they "paused" referrals for puberty blockers. So if you come out as trans as a teenager now, basically too bad - you're going through the wrong puberty, living with the torment of that for years and then having to have more surgeries which are more complex to correct all the things that going through that incorrect puberty has caused. All rather than just being allowed to take a medicine which pauses, not stops, puberty. So if they did then realise that they aren't trans after all, no harm done, just stop taking the medicine and puberty will go ahead as it otherwise would have done, just a little later in time. I don't know which I hate more, that trans people (and LGBT people in general) are used as a political football, or that there is enough popular sentiment against us to make politicising us a viable strategy It's all so absolutely unnecessary. I hope they all make it to adulthood when they are more able to live as they wish, but I fear some won't. The fact that the UK has produced an author with one of the loudest and most influential transphobic voices in the world hasn't helped here either. There is also a comedy writer based in the UK who has now made it his life's work to peddle transphobic propaganda. I'm not typing their names because it would offend my body to do so. As to your second point - for me it is the latter. The reason that sexual orientation isn't used as a political football here anymore is because the wider public have become more understanding and accepting of sexualities other than heterosexuality. Frankly though one of the reasons that has happened is because those with homophobic views simply aren't around anymore, they have died, while the children that were taught acceptance have become adults. As acceptance has grown more people feel able to come out, in doing so this enabled further acceptance. Having said all that there is still such a long way to go on the LGB side of LGBT here too. I wouldn't wish to come across as thinking that that's all fine now.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 21, 2021 13:40:47 GMT
I don't think it's much better over here. At the end of last year they "paused" referrals for puberty blockers. So if you come out as trans as a teenager now, basically too bad - you're going through the wrong puberty, living with the torment of that for years and then having to have more surgeries which are more complex to correct all the things that going through that incorrect puberty has caused. All rather than just being allowed to take a medicine which pauses, not stops, puberty. So if they did then realise that they aren't trans after all, no harm done, just stop taking the medicine and puberty will go ahead as it otherwise would have done, just a little later in time. I don't know which I hate more, that trans people (and LGBT people in general) are used as a political football, or that there is enough popular sentiment against us to make politicising us a viable strategy Sports has become a hot button issue here as well as some states preventing trans kids from being able to get any treatment until they are 18. Its the rights' dumb culture war and they are using trans kids as pawns. They don't actually care about them. They are just assholes and don't care who they destroy to retain power. Its all about creating fear amonst their base.....just like almost everything they do. And it works, unfortunately. Really trips my trigger.
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