Post by Lily on Jul 23, 2021 17:43:45 GMT
Yesterday was the one-month anniversary of experiencing gender euphoria for the first time. Effectively that was when I knew I wasn't cis. Therefore though it seems I've been here a lot longer, this is still all very new to me. Thought I'd share this list of things I've been noticing about my non-binary state in the past few days.
I didn't know I was wearing a mask before, now I do, and I resent having to do so. As I have said before finding this out about myself has been joyfully wonderdul. I want to frolic and skip in this new meadow. However I feel that I have stay in a dark prison instead. I deeply resent that too, but feel I have to avoid hurtful transphobic reactions from others.
I don't what gender I am, and I don't know how to work it out. I don't care about labels or what anyone else thinks, I need to know for myself. I have worked one thing out though, that my internalised transphobia is preventing me seeing what my true gender identity is. At least part of the reason l I can not identify as a woman is because I do not look like a cis woman. What I can accept in anyone else, any of you, I don't think I can accept in myself.
I'm jealous of trans women that have transitioned. Though I'm so very pleased for them, I think that it will never happen for me, so quickly click away. How much does that say about my true gender? Does that jealousy indicate that this is what I want? Also that jealous feeling doesn't make me feel that I'm being supportive of my trans sisters either.
On the subject of transitioning I am still open to fact that this is something I might want and/or need, and have not ruled that option out.
I've noticed that more and more I don't like my birth name being used. My laptop took ages to log me in the other day and it was stuck with my birth name there for minutes, and I didn't want to see it. On top of that I haven't got used to my new name yet either. I'm hoping that will come in time.
I'm frustrated I can't dress up at the moment. I reached 52 before I tried on my first dress and skirt, and so want to make up for lost time. I also need to know what it feels like more often to see how I really feel about doing that so frequently.
One last thing that I've mentioned elsewhere. My breasts don't feel like a man's anymore, and feel like a woman's. Though that isn't totally unwelcome, it does feel odd. One side-effect is that I feel even less comfortable being topless than I did before.
That's about all that springs to mind. It's a quite a lot though. I can't draw everything together and come to a conclusion, but this summarises where I'm at right now.
xox,
Sandi Mae
I didn't know I was wearing a mask before, now I do, and I resent having to do so. As I have said before finding this out about myself has been joyfully wonderdul. I want to frolic and skip in this new meadow. However I feel that I have stay in a dark prison instead. I deeply resent that too, but feel I have to avoid hurtful transphobic reactions from others.
I don't what gender I am, and I don't know how to work it out. I don't care about labels or what anyone else thinks, I need to know for myself. I have worked one thing out though, that my internalised transphobia is preventing me seeing what my true gender identity is. At least part of the reason l I can not identify as a woman is because I do not look like a cis woman. What I can accept in anyone else, any of you, I don't think I can accept in myself.
I'm jealous of trans women that have transitioned. Though I'm so very pleased for them, I think that it will never happen for me, so quickly click away. How much does that say about my true gender? Does that jealousy indicate that this is what I want? Also that jealous feeling doesn't make me feel that I'm being supportive of my trans sisters either.
On the subject of transitioning I am still open to fact that this is something I might want and/or need, and have not ruled that option out.
I've noticed that more and more I don't like my birth name being used. My laptop took ages to log me in the other day and it was stuck with my birth name there for minutes, and I didn't want to see it. On top of that I haven't got used to my new name yet either. I'm hoping that will come in time.
I'm frustrated I can't dress up at the moment. I reached 52 before I tried on my first dress and skirt, and so want to make up for lost time. I also need to know what it feels like more often to see how I really feel about doing that so frequently.
One last thing that I've mentioned elsewhere. My breasts don't feel like a man's anymore, and feel like a woman's. Though that isn't totally unwelcome, it does feel odd. One side-effect is that I feel even less comfortable being topless than I did before.
That's about all that springs to mind. It's a quite a lot though. I can't draw everything together and come to a conclusion, but this summarises where I'm at right now.
xox,
Sandi Mae