Post by Lily on Jul 30, 2021 8:11:58 GMT
I had a massive breakthrough this morning, and wanted to capture it all while it was still fresh in my mind.
I mentioned in another thread how I tried to see how saying "I am Sandi, and I am a woman" felt. I didn't feel convinced, but not long after I thought that this may be because I am approaching this the wrong way. I should try seeing how saying "I am Sandi, and I am a trans woman" felt. The second statement does not contradict the first, so if I could say the second phrase and mean it, this meant that the first statement was also true.
Well it seems insomnia can have it's uses sometimes, while trying to get to sleep, I thought to myself why not try saying that now. So I did so, saying it very quietly but still out loud nonetheless. "I am Sandi, and I am a trans woman". This time it felt a lot more natural, and a lot more true. I repeated this several times, sometimes adding my middle name Mae into the mix too. I could feel something grow inside of me. Then very interestingly I began to plead with my sub-conscious out loud "Please tell me it's true". At that time I was also thinking surely there can't be anything more for me to do or prove, that surely I had broken down all the barriers down now. I continued saying that I was a trans woman, and I felt I could anticipate something was about to happen, and then it did. I felt a surge of excitement - a chill down by spine, goosebumps all over my body and a rush of blood to that most private of places. Afterwards I felt both contentment and relief, and cried happy tears. Of course it meant sleep was even less likely, so I came on here to write this.
As a side-note, that rush of blood I had. It didn't bother me at all, I saw it as a natural part of the experience I had. If anything it showed how stimulated I was by the experience, and confirmed how significant it was. That part of me is still very much part of my body. Trans girls are born with those. That is an unhappy fact, but a fact nonetheless.
So all that happened, but perhaps that was me just tricking myself into thinking that. Maybe I wanted it so much to be true that I convinced myself it was. Well in thinking while typing, I came to some other conclusions.
Firstly that statement "I wanted it so much to be true". That very desire I had says much, that must come from somewhere. I don't think it's the need for certainty. I think it comes from the growing contentment and happiness as to seeing myself as a woman. In other threads I have given examples of how I naturally feel this way, that it has become my default way of seeing myself. Furthermore in discovering all this about my gender identity, I have found a fresh purpose and meaning in my life. This adds to my feeling that this shows who I truly am.
Secondly - I had been stuck in transphobic thinking for myself - I couldn't call myself a woman because I was still hung up on the fact that I didn't have a woman's body, and had not lived a woman's life. That thinking was clearly wrong, I had omitted the word cis before the word "woman". Having corrected that basic error, then of course this has always been the case, I have always known I am not a cis woman. If I am a woman then I am a trans woman. Having taken zero steps to transition, then as a trans woman I will still have the same body as a cis man. Also the life I have led is mine, and if I am a trans woman then I have led a trans woman's life. So there you go, GTFO transphobia. Nice try, but you weren't going to stop me seeing who I really was.
Now that that's been seen off, what barrier was there left? The possibility that I'm still a little bit male. Perhaps there's some guy in my subsconcious who's just taking a break right now. Maybe I've let the female side of me, now finally free, to overwhelm that side. The thing is how long do I wait for any sign that this is the case - a month, three months, a year? In the meantime I'm thinking well maybe I'm this, or maybe I'm that. What if I never get that sign? Also so what if I do?
If I never get that sign then when would I make that call? It would have to be made sometime, otherwise I'd be forever be thinking "Well I'm pretty sure I'm a trans woman but let's wait a little longer just in case". Why not do it now and see how it goes? If that sign does come that says that well actually, 14.583% of me is male, then I can just find another label that does fit. I would still be the same me. If I find that sometime soon that what just happened was just a temporary feeling, what harm has been done? It would just be a lesson learnt, another step on the journey of discovery.
This has all happened so very quickly, I first came here only 44 days ago. This has also given me some reluctance to accept that I am a trans woman. I still have this feeling that I need to wait a little longer before making such a bold statement. However, I'd rather try to take this positive approach, and think of myself as how I do right now, than just watch and wait. This breakthrough I have made, that experience I had, should be valued and acted upon.
To go back to an old analogy - I think I've found all the puzzle pieces, so why not complete the puzzle now?
xox,
Sandi Mae
I mentioned in another thread how I tried to see how saying "I am Sandi, and I am a woman" felt. I didn't feel convinced, but not long after I thought that this may be because I am approaching this the wrong way. I should try seeing how saying "I am Sandi, and I am a trans woman" felt. The second statement does not contradict the first, so if I could say the second phrase and mean it, this meant that the first statement was also true.
Well it seems insomnia can have it's uses sometimes, while trying to get to sleep, I thought to myself why not try saying that now. So I did so, saying it very quietly but still out loud nonetheless. "I am Sandi, and I am a trans woman". This time it felt a lot more natural, and a lot more true. I repeated this several times, sometimes adding my middle name Mae into the mix too. I could feel something grow inside of me. Then very interestingly I began to plead with my sub-conscious out loud "Please tell me it's true". At that time I was also thinking surely there can't be anything more for me to do or prove, that surely I had broken down all the barriers down now. I continued saying that I was a trans woman, and I felt I could anticipate something was about to happen, and then it did. I felt a surge of excitement - a chill down by spine, goosebumps all over my body and a rush of blood to that most private of places. Afterwards I felt both contentment and relief, and cried happy tears. Of course it meant sleep was even less likely, so I came on here to write this.
As a side-note, that rush of blood I had. It didn't bother me at all, I saw it as a natural part of the experience I had. If anything it showed how stimulated I was by the experience, and confirmed how significant it was. That part of me is still very much part of my body. Trans girls are born with those. That is an unhappy fact, but a fact nonetheless.
So all that happened, but perhaps that was me just tricking myself into thinking that. Maybe I wanted it so much to be true that I convinced myself it was. Well in thinking while typing, I came to some other conclusions.
Firstly that statement "I wanted it so much to be true". That very desire I had says much, that must come from somewhere. I don't think it's the need for certainty. I think it comes from the growing contentment and happiness as to seeing myself as a woman. In other threads I have given examples of how I naturally feel this way, that it has become my default way of seeing myself. Furthermore in discovering all this about my gender identity, I have found a fresh purpose and meaning in my life. This adds to my feeling that this shows who I truly am.
Secondly - I had been stuck in transphobic thinking for myself - I couldn't call myself a woman because I was still hung up on the fact that I didn't have a woman's body, and had not lived a woman's life. That thinking was clearly wrong, I had omitted the word cis before the word "woman". Having corrected that basic error, then of course this has always been the case, I have always known I am not a cis woman. If I am a woman then I am a trans woman. Having taken zero steps to transition, then as a trans woman I will still have the same body as a cis man. Also the life I have led is mine, and if I am a trans woman then I have led a trans woman's life. So there you go, GTFO transphobia. Nice try, but you weren't going to stop me seeing who I really was.
Now that that's been seen off, what barrier was there left? The possibility that I'm still a little bit male. Perhaps there's some guy in my subsconcious who's just taking a break right now. Maybe I've let the female side of me, now finally free, to overwhelm that side. The thing is how long do I wait for any sign that this is the case - a month, three months, a year? In the meantime I'm thinking well maybe I'm this, or maybe I'm that. What if I never get that sign? Also so what if I do?
If I never get that sign then when would I make that call? It would have to be made sometime, otherwise I'd be forever be thinking "Well I'm pretty sure I'm a trans woman but let's wait a little longer just in case". Why not do it now and see how it goes? If that sign does come that says that well actually, 14.583% of me is male, then I can just find another label that does fit. I would still be the same me. If I find that sometime soon that what just happened was just a temporary feeling, what harm has been done? It would just be a lesson learnt, another step on the journey of discovery.
This has all happened so very quickly, I first came here only 44 days ago. This has also given me some reluctance to accept that I am a trans woman. I still have this feeling that I need to wait a little longer before making such a bold statement. However, I'd rather try to take this positive approach, and think of myself as how I do right now, than just watch and wait. This breakthrough I have made, that experience I had, should be valued and acted upon.
To go back to an old analogy - I think I've found all the puzzle pieces, so why not complete the puzzle now?
xox,
Sandi Mae