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Post by angela on Jun 6, 2023 9:26:45 GMT
Lily, Thank you for the sentiment. I never look at myself see myself as brave, as I have lived so long and deep in the closet. And all along she is screaming to be seen, heard accepted for who she is... A woman. And yeti don't believe in the up in your face way it is being presented now. And yet the almost desperate longing I feel to be seen as she/her/hers. But always afraid. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Guilty. Yes, Even sometimes disgusted. Somehow that doesn't feel brave more like a coward.( Yeah I know what you are probably thinking, " she needs some therapy". But that lets the kitty out of the bag with my wife. I say I love her and don't want her to be hurt. But am I really only protecting myself? Just feels cowardly.
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Post by angela on Jun 6, 2023 9:53:14 GMT
Maria, While I fully understand your position that you do not feel comfortable using your real name while in guy mode feels wrong to you. As I feel some of that too. With the couple I came out to I feel somewhat stupid because I know that I will not be able to dress and visit with them. So they will see me in guy mode unless some miracle happens and allows me some alone time to dress and ask to visit them. But then what about getting caught by other not so understanding neighbors. Would they tell my wife? So the fact ends up being if I ever get to interact with the world as the woman I feel like inside I have to accept my less than perfect situation. I am Angela I know I am Angela ( yeah right I question myself all the time). ( What a mess I am). What I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt if left unexpressed long enough I act out and take risks all in an attempt to express myself for who I truly(?) Am Angela, she/her/hers, feminine, girl, woman. And if I am completely honest a "heterosexual woman" all living in that confusing dark place we call a closet.So I look for those things that help me feel somewhat normal to quiet the dysphoria a little. Like sitting to pee. Inconvenient sometimes, "yes" but make me feel feminine yes helpful yes. And I reach a place nay have been long overdue to hear my real name called out to me. I know that my lesbian friends called it my chosen name, but it is not it is who I genuinely am.
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Post by Jessica on Jun 6, 2023 12:50:14 GMT
Lily, Thank you for the sentiment. I never look at myself see myself as brave, as I have lived so long and deep in the closet. And all along she is screaming to be seen, heard accepted for who she is... A woman. And yeti don't believe in the up in your face way it is being presented now. And yet the almost desperate longing I feel to be seen as she/her/hers. But always afraid. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Guilty. Yes, Even sometimes disgusted. Somehow that doesn't feel brave more like a coward.( Yeah I know what you are probably thinking, " she needs some therapy". But that lets the kitty out of the bag with my wife. I say I love her and don't want her to be hurt. But am I really only protecting myself? Just feels cowardly. I can definitely relate to the sentiment. Maybe it is cowardly. But the way I see it, I really like my life the way it is and it isnt worth it to completely uproot it to pursue this thing. I think of it like there are a lot of things we wish we could do but donāt for one reason or another. All things equal I would rather quit my job and write a blog about baseball. But I wont because it is more important that I have a steady income to pay my mortgage and support my family. And I like my current job well enough. Its not perfect, but I am happy. Too happy to be worth the risk. Does that make sense?
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Post by angela on Jun 6, 2023 13:01:41 GMT
Yes of course you are right to throw everything you have established in your life away is ludicrous. I don't know I can say I am genuinely happy. Maybe if I was free to genuinely express myself. But that is not going to happen. And my sense of honor will not allow me to abandon my wife. But brave no that's not me. At least it doesn't feel that way. I hear you on the blog. I would love to US seniors chess champion by as my wife always tells me that ain't gonna happen š
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Post by Maria on Jun 6, 2023 22:28:17 GMT
I think it can be important to remember that just because we perhaps aren't as brave as some, or what we do isn't as huge or dramatic, it doesn't mean it isn't still brave and important. And there is I'm sure an argument to be made that in fact doing nothing can be the bravest thing to do, if you are making yourself less comfortable in order to make things easier for those you love.
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Post by angela on Jun 7, 2023 0:19:08 GMT
Amen Sister!
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Post by Jessica on Jun 7, 2023 14:24:56 GMT
I think it can be important to remember that just because we perhaps aren't as brave as some, or what we do isn't as huge or dramatic, it doesn't mean it isn't still brave and important. And there is I'm sure an argument to be made that in fact doing nothing can be the bravest thing to do, if you are making yourself less comfortable in order to make things easier for those you love. Agreed. Amen to that.
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