Post by Lily on Jul 2, 2021 17:52:19 GMT
I don't know how many of you read comic books, but a common trope is that after you've seen a number of the regular adventures of the hero, you finally get to learn how they got started in the superhero business. Superman getting sent to Earth from his doomed exploding planet. Yhe young Bruce Wayne seeing his parents brutally gunned down before his eyes, then vowing to rid his home city of crime. Well today ladies I found out my secret origin.
Yesterday I posted my thread I Would Have Been So Hot. My explanation as to why I think my younger female self would have had an amazing figure. Maria was then inspired to create a separate thread Physical Differences in Transgender People this initially involved some fairly basic exercises to determine if you had any physical indicators to being trans. I had a bit of fun with Maria about this because as it turns out I did for both exercises. However Jessica highlighted the part about "the hormone burst that they think may be involved in gender identity". Maria then shared the following link
www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-are-some-people-transgender/
Essentially there's stage in foetal development where if exposed to a testosterone surge the brain will develop towards a male path, if not it will go down a female path. Essentially saying that bio males without that testestorone surge receive a female gender identity.
I was intrigued by this and had already thought about how my mother's pregnancy went when carrying me. To quote from the other thread "My mother got very stressed and worried during her pregnancy with me. She was very worried about the financial situation of having another mouth to feed, as my father wasn't working due to ill health. She was stressed enough for other members of the extended family to be aware of it. She had a minor accident at about three months, and later told me she had this doubt that others would think she was somehow trying to terminate the pregnancy."
So I dug a bit deeper to see if that could be a cause, and of course it was. I found this extract from a scientific paper from 1980. This infers that stress is a cause of the absence of this testosterone surge.
Maternal stress alters plasma testosterone in fetal males
Combined with the fact that my mother was definitely experiencing great stress during her pregnancy with me, makes me certain that this was the reason i am the way I am.
I've lost count of the amount of mind-blowing realisations and experiences I've had since coming here, but this was certainly another one. My secret origin had been revealed.
In all this self-discovery I have never been bothered about the reason as to why I am as I am. The important motivation was to find who, and what I was. In doing I'd find the reasons for my past and present feelings and behaviour. The question as to "Why am I trans?" did not concern me. because once I established that I was, the reasons did not matter. For me to search for a reason was to imply that I was looking for a solution to, or excuse for, something wrong with me. While trying to find out who I really was, I was never worried about who that might be. It was just important to know so that I could make sense of my gender identity, and then take healthy postive steps for me to express and explore that identity.
However through no more than reading an article and doing some minor curious research, I now believe that I do know the reason.
it is genuinely surprising that I did find out the reason, and that I found this so soon after everything else too. It seems almost too easy. I don't think I've drawn the incorrect conclusion, that I'm leaping at the first opportunity to explain this away. There must be a reason that we are trans, and it makes logical sense that it takes place at an early stage of our development. It also makes sense that any deviation from the typical development would be caused by a strong outside factor, and that stress definitely fits that. I also happen to know for a fact from my mother's own testimony to me, that she indeed suffered a huge amount of worry and stress during the time she carried me.
Now that I've found out though, how do I react? What do I do with this new knowledge?
It meant that I was born trans. That I was always this way, that it didn't develop later in life either from some biological development or significant life experience.
1) I was glad I did not discover this sooner. This would have disrupted the journey of discovery, clouded my thoughts. Though perhaps some doubts would've been erased, it would have also meant that I wouldn't have been so thorough in analysing my past and present behaviour and feelings. I could have missed some very revealing insight and truths had I known the cause
2) it meant that I could dismiss any idea that any one event, or combination of events caused me to be this way. That if only they hadn't happened, or if only had I reacted differently that I would be a cis man not a trans girl. This is actually very freeing. No longer do I need to even think about such possible events, because they didn't matter, I was always trans.
3) Those doubts that I had expressed to you all before about not having the common signs could now be erased. All that it is was is that they simply did not manifest in me. Their absence no longer carrying any weight given the fact that I was born this way
4) Very importanly, it solidified the feeling that my life should have been led differently, and would have been better for doing so. Though it adds to the regrets of not having done so, I've noticed that I haven't been beating myself up about this in recent days. On the positive side it removes any doubt as to this, it has changed from "might have" to "would have". I no longer have to make that judgement.
5) It has given me certainty and confidence in the knowledge that I am trans. That neither myself nor others can cast any doubt on that fact. There is no reasoning or argument to be had anymore. From that certainty I can take positive action to express my gender identity, with the full knowledge that this is the right direction to take. To deny those actions is to deny my true self. As a result I am more likely to explore the idea of transitioning, consider what the benefits might be and not just the drawbacks. However I think it far too early to consider yet. I need to live life with this all this new self-knowledge for much longer. It has after all, been only 10 days that I really confirmed that I was trans.
One thing that hasn't changed, is my feelings towards my mother. Being trans is not something I need to blame anyone for being. I am not ashamed of who I am. Furthermore she was reacting in an understandably human way to a difficult circumstance. I never felt any lack of love from her as a result of how she felt when she was carrying me. Never did I feel that she wished I hadn't been born, or that I was an unwanted burden.
In summary this is very positive and most unexpected, but comes very soon after I have learnt everything else. I was just looking forward to just wearing my red cocktail dress and watching Euro 2020 today. I thought that all the major revelations and conclusions had been made. I was hoping to enjoy some time without having to process yet another new development. However life doesn't work that way, and in this case, that's fine.
Thanks for reading. As always it's a pleasure to share this with all of you.
xox,
Woori-Mei
Yesterday I posted my thread I Would Have Been So Hot. My explanation as to why I think my younger female self would have had an amazing figure. Maria was then inspired to create a separate thread Physical Differences in Transgender People this initially involved some fairly basic exercises to determine if you had any physical indicators to being trans. I had a bit of fun with Maria about this because as it turns out I did for both exercises. However Jessica highlighted the part about "the hormone burst that they think may be involved in gender identity". Maria then shared the following link
www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-are-some-people-transgender/
Essentially there's stage in foetal development where if exposed to a testosterone surge the brain will develop towards a male path, if not it will go down a female path. Essentially saying that bio males without that testestorone surge receive a female gender identity.
I was intrigued by this and had already thought about how my mother's pregnancy went when carrying me. To quote from the other thread "My mother got very stressed and worried during her pregnancy with me. She was very worried about the financial situation of having another mouth to feed, as my father wasn't working due to ill health. She was stressed enough for other members of the extended family to be aware of it. She had a minor accident at about three months, and later told me she had this doubt that others would think she was somehow trying to terminate the pregnancy."
So I dug a bit deeper to see if that could be a cause, and of course it was. I found this extract from a scientific paper from 1980. This infers that stress is a cause of the absence of this testosterone surge.
Maternal stress alters plasma testosterone in fetal males
Combined with the fact that my mother was definitely experiencing great stress during her pregnancy with me, makes me certain that this was the reason i am the way I am.
I've lost count of the amount of mind-blowing realisations and experiences I've had since coming here, but this was certainly another one. My secret origin had been revealed.
In all this self-discovery I have never been bothered about the reason as to why I am as I am. The important motivation was to find who, and what I was. In doing I'd find the reasons for my past and present feelings and behaviour. The question as to "Why am I trans?" did not concern me. because once I established that I was, the reasons did not matter. For me to search for a reason was to imply that I was looking for a solution to, or excuse for, something wrong with me. While trying to find out who I really was, I was never worried about who that might be. It was just important to know so that I could make sense of my gender identity, and then take healthy postive steps for me to express and explore that identity.
However through no more than reading an article and doing some minor curious research, I now believe that I do know the reason.
it is genuinely surprising that I did find out the reason, and that I found this so soon after everything else too. It seems almost too easy. I don't think I've drawn the incorrect conclusion, that I'm leaping at the first opportunity to explain this away. There must be a reason that we are trans, and it makes logical sense that it takes place at an early stage of our development. It also makes sense that any deviation from the typical development would be caused by a strong outside factor, and that stress definitely fits that. I also happen to know for a fact from my mother's own testimony to me, that she indeed suffered a huge amount of worry and stress during the time she carried me.
Now that I've found out though, how do I react? What do I do with this new knowledge?
It meant that I was born trans. That I was always this way, that it didn't develop later in life either from some biological development or significant life experience.
1) I was glad I did not discover this sooner. This would have disrupted the journey of discovery, clouded my thoughts. Though perhaps some doubts would've been erased, it would have also meant that I wouldn't have been so thorough in analysing my past and present behaviour and feelings. I could have missed some very revealing insight and truths had I known the cause
2) it meant that I could dismiss any idea that any one event, or combination of events caused me to be this way. That if only they hadn't happened, or if only had I reacted differently that I would be a cis man not a trans girl. This is actually very freeing. No longer do I need to even think about such possible events, because they didn't matter, I was always trans.
3) Those doubts that I had expressed to you all before about not having the common signs could now be erased. All that it is was is that they simply did not manifest in me. Their absence no longer carrying any weight given the fact that I was born this way
4) Very importanly, it solidified the feeling that my life should have been led differently, and would have been better for doing so. Though it adds to the regrets of not having done so, I've noticed that I haven't been beating myself up about this in recent days. On the positive side it removes any doubt as to this, it has changed from "might have" to "would have". I no longer have to make that judgement.
5) It has given me certainty and confidence in the knowledge that I am trans. That neither myself nor others can cast any doubt on that fact. There is no reasoning or argument to be had anymore. From that certainty I can take positive action to express my gender identity, with the full knowledge that this is the right direction to take. To deny those actions is to deny my true self. As a result I am more likely to explore the idea of transitioning, consider what the benefits might be and not just the drawbacks. However I think it far too early to consider yet. I need to live life with this all this new self-knowledge for much longer. It has after all, been only 10 days that I really confirmed that I was trans.
One thing that hasn't changed, is my feelings towards my mother. Being trans is not something I need to blame anyone for being. I am not ashamed of who I am. Furthermore she was reacting in an understandably human way to a difficult circumstance. I never felt any lack of love from her as a result of how she felt when she was carrying me. Never did I feel that she wished I hadn't been born, or that I was an unwanted burden.
In summary this is very positive and most unexpected, but comes very soon after I have learnt everything else. I was just looking forward to just wearing my red cocktail dress and watching Euro 2020 today. I thought that all the major revelations and conclusions had been made. I was hoping to enjoy some time without having to process yet another new development. However life doesn't work that way, and in this case, that's fine.
Thanks for reading. As always it's a pleasure to share this with all of you.
xox,
Woori-Mei