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Post by Lily on Jul 6, 2021 12:11:57 GMT
That's quite the question. Whenever I think of these fantastical instant transformations happening to myself it is only changing my look and voice, and I'm definitely not thinking it will change me inside. I would just look how I would like to look.
Given the choice, the answer has to be trans woman, simply because that keeps who I am inside now. Only my outside appearance would change in that case. To become a cis woman is to change not only the outside but the inside. I've had all these experiences as living as a trans girl, either knowingly or unknowingly, surely becoming a cis woman denies those experiences.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 6, 2021 14:25:40 GMT
I think the biggest shock was that my reaction wasn't just "but being trans is a part of who I am and I don't want to change who I am", which could also be true if a part of me identified as male. In fact, if any part of me no matter how small was male, that could be the reaction". But a reaction of "I am not male. Please don't make me be male because that is horrifying to me," shows to me pretty clearly that there is no small part. My mind and my sense of self are without a doubt completely female. I know on other threads there's been a bit of talk about labels recently - this really showed me that for me the label absolutely is "trans woman". Not non-binary, or gender-fluid, or bi-gender, any of those ones where you are mostly feminine, but some parts of you still identify with male even a little bit. For me, there is no little bit. Any questions that I had about "well I feel this sums me up best at the moment, but maybe in time I'll find a happy balance where I can be both and be happy with that, and then I'll need a different label..." nope. It's the strength of that conviction, that I'm definitely not somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between the binaries, but instead am pretty much sat atop the pillar at the end of the binary, that's the shock. While obviously this is not a journey that ever really ends, I honestly feel like in this moment I have nothing left to question. Any remnants of repression that were left have been ripped away so that for perhaps the first time in my life I can see the raw, unfiltered, full truth of who I am. I am Maria. And I am a woman. Well then this is a pretty big fricken day I would say. Congrats! I think?
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Post by Jessica on Jul 6, 2021 14:28:04 GMT
Maria. Thank you for sharing. I know how you feel and it sucks. It seems downright hopeless sometimes and I don't have a great answer for you other than that it sucks and you should feel free to feel crappy about it. Sometimes for ladies like us, ignorance really is bliss. Let me ask you this. If a genie came to you and told you he could magically make you feel like a cis male.....take all the trans feelings away.....would you do it?
It makes logical sense that you would. But you probably wouldn't. I wouldn't. It is a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same person without it. For me the answer is a resounding no. My initial thought was something along the lines of "Why on earth would I want to be one of those?". Putting aside everything else it would have made all that I've found out myself since being here, rather a waste of time On a more serious note, like everyone else I acknowledge that it's a core part of who I am. If the genie was asking to turn me into a cis woman then I think I'd probably take that. However a lot of that would be because it would be so easy and convenient, just a snap of a finger, and *woosh* I'm a woman. That is something I know I have a strong desire to be. I'd take the genie's offer because the chance to fulfill that dream may never come again. At the moment I just don't know how much of a male side there is inside me that I might lose. That is an important detail for me too. If a genie offered to turn my body into that of a woman, I would take it without much thought. If he offered to turn my mind into that of a cis man, I would not. If the genie offered to turn my body into that of a woman but it would also change my mind to match.....make it more female or whatever......I don't think I'd like that. I like me just the way I am mentally, but physically wish I was more feminine.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 6, 2021 14:31:36 GMT
So I got a bit weepy again yesterday evening after writing that last part, simply because it felt so good to actually just say it like that. No hiding behind complicated science or philosophy or anything like that - for me, if I'm willing to accept it, it really is as simple as those last four words. I am slightly reminded of something I read a while back somewhere else, where someone wrote "I think I know that I am going to transition, I just haven't told myself yet." Not because that applies to me, but more the sense that actually deep inside I've always known the answer, and I've just been adding in questions and complications to avoid actually confronting that answer because it might be a difficult answer, rather than one that leads to a nice, simple, easy path. The next step I guess being to work out what to do next, now that I have this new-found, rock-solid clarity. The answer that I have at the moment seems to be that there isn't a great deal I CAN do that I haven't already done. Which in a way leads back to the thoughts that started this thread! But for now at least, I don't feel how I did on Sunday. And hopefully I can be more accepting of the fact that there isn't really a solution and finding peace with where I am, rather than keep hoping to uncover some non-existent extra facet of myself which will be the missing piece to a nice easy solution to make all the unpleasant parts go away! For me, I am still searching for that rock solid answer. But even if I find it, I know I will not do anything about it. One thing that I have come to realize is that we all have things we wish were different but just aren't able to do. Some people wish they worked in a different field, and they could pursue that if they wanted to. They could start at the bottom and become an intern ans switch fields and some do. But others decide that its too late for that, they and their families are comfortable in their life right now and they will just make the best of what they have. Same can be said for lots of things. For me.....that is the case with my physical gender. It isn't what I want.....but it is what I have and the cost of making the chance is much greater than I am willing to spend to completely change my life.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 6, 2021 14:32:45 GMT
For me the answer is a resounding no. My initial thought was something along the lines of "Why on earth would I want to be one of those?". Putting aside everything else it would have made all that I've found out myself since being here, rather a waste of time On a more serious note, like everyone else I acknowledge that it's a core part of who I am. If the genie was asking to turn me into a cis woman then I think I'd probably take that. However a lot of that would be because it would be so easy and convenient, just a snap of a finger, and *woosh* I'm a woman. That is something I know I have a strong desire to be. I'd take the genie's offer because the chance to fulfill that dream may never come again. At the moment I just don't know how much of a male side there is inside me that I might lose. As an interesting hypothetical, given what you've said about how being trans is a part of who you are: if the genie offered to turn you into a woman, would you prefer to turn into a cis woman, or a trans woman who has successfully completed every part of her transition (hormonal, social, surgical, everything) and passes 100%. Let's also say (to make it easier) that everyone in your life accepts you 100%, and the genie can guarantee that you will always be safe and never be a victim of any kind of transphobic abuse. So in terms of how you look/sound/act both cases are identical, how the world treats you in both is identical, but in one your trans identity remains and in one it goes. Which would you choose? I said this before, but I would take a cis woman's body with my mind intact as the ideal.
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Post by Maria on Jul 6, 2021 19:58:05 GMT
That's quite the question. Whenever I think of these fantastical instant transformations happening to myself it is only changing my look and voice, and I'm definitely not thinking it will change me inside. I would just look how I would like to look. Given the choice, the answer has to be trans woman, simply because that keeps who I am inside now. Only my outside appearance would change in that case. To become a cis woman is to change not only the outside but the inside. I've had all these experiences as living as a trans girl, either knowingly or unknowingly, surely becoming a cis woman denies those experiences. I don't actually know how I would answer this for myself. On the one hand, I think this journey of exploration is incredibly beneficial for so many different things - not just for the main topic of gender but also all the other things that go alongside it. So for that reason I would want to be a fully-transitioned trans woman so that I would still have had that. On the other hand, if I was a cis woman, there is the possibility that I could carry and birth a child, which would not be a possibility as a trans woman. And if I had to choose between those two things... that's really difficult and I honestly don't know which I would go for. It's a bit of a Sophie's Choice!
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Post by Maria on Jul 6, 2021 20:25:13 GMT
I think the biggest shock was that my reaction wasn't just "but being trans is a part of who I am and I don't want to change who I am", which could also be true if a part of me identified as male. In fact, if any part of me no matter how small was male, that could be the reaction". But a reaction of "I am not male. Please don't make me be male because that is horrifying to me," shows to me pretty clearly that there is no small part. My mind and my sense of self are without a doubt completely female. I know on other threads there's been a bit of talk about labels recently - this really showed me that for me the label absolutely is "trans woman". Not non-binary, or gender-fluid, or bi-gender, any of those ones where you are mostly feminine, but some parts of you still identify with male even a little bit. For me, there is no little bit. Any questions that I had about "well I feel this sums me up best at the moment, but maybe in time I'll find a happy balance where I can be both and be happy with that, and then I'll need a different label..." nope. It's the strength of that conviction, that I'm definitely not somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between the binaries, but instead am pretty much sat atop the pillar at the end of the binary, that's the shock. While obviously this is not a journey that ever really ends, I honestly feel like in this moment I have nothing left to question. Any remnants of repression that were left have been ripped away so that for perhaps the first time in my life I can see the raw, unfiltered, full truth of who I am. I am Maria. And I am a woman. Well then this is a pretty big fricken day I would say. Congrats! I think? Thanks Perhaps not as big as the day I went to that concert, or the day that I realised I was definitely in some way trans, but it's definitely up there! The end of a chapter in the journey, perhaps. I think you're right about almost everyone having things that they wish they could change. Like for example I used to (for a short while) do a job that a lot of people hold as a brilliant thing to do, as it can pay well and give you a lot of freedom. But it just did not gel for me. Fundamentally I did not feel safe doing it, the owner of the company was a psychopath (not in the "hey my boss is a bit psycho" kind of way, more in the "he has actually chased someone to Alaska as he felt they'd wronged him" kind of way), and put simply I genuinely didn't know if by the end of my 5 year contract I would still be around. If I wanted any kind of liveable life, I HAD to get out of there. Which thankfully I did. Right now, this isn't at that level of desperation, so hopefully I can find a way to be true to myself without having to shoulder any kind of great cost. The only thing that worries me is how many times I've heard that dysphoria gets worse and worse with time. And that just because I'm not at that breaking point now, doesn't mean one day I won't be :/ But... right now I'm not, so I'm not going to stress out about hypothetical futures. I kind of feel like I should buy something special to commemorate this milestone, but I told myself I would be sensible and have a frugal week :/ When did I start enjoying clothes shopping... what have I become lmao
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Post by Lily on Jul 6, 2021 20:43:11 GMT
That's quite the question. Whenever I think of these fantastical instant transformations happening to myself it is only changing my look and voice, and I'm definitely not thinking it will change me inside. I would just look how I would like to look. Given the choice, the answer has to be trans woman, simply because that keeps who I am inside now. Only my outside appearance would change in that case. To become a cis woman is to change not only the outside but the inside. I've had all these experiences as living as a trans girl, either knowingly or unknowingly, surely becoming a cis woman denies those experiences. I don't actually know how I would answer this for myself. On the one hand, I think this journey of exploration is incredibly beneficial for so many different things - not just for the main topic of gender but also all the other things that go alongside it. So for that reason I would want to be a fully-transitioned trans woman so that I would still have had that. On the other hand, if I was a cis woman, there is the possibility that I could carry and birth a child, which would not be a possibility as a trans woman. And if I had to choose between those two things... that's really difficult and I honestly don't know which I would go for. It's a bit of a Sophie's Choice! Your second point is something I would not have considered. I think that this shows the difference in our ages. Even though in theory I could father a child at my age, I do not wish to because of my age. As a cis woman my child-bearing days would be long gone. So for me this isn't a dilemma. Obviously at your age that would still be a possibility and so would be quandary for you.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 7, 2021 14:33:34 GMT
Well then this is a pretty big fricken day I would say. Congrats! I think? Thanks Perhaps not as big as the day I went to that concert, or the day that I realised I was definitely in some way trans, but it's definitely up there! The end of a chapter in the journey, perhaps. I think you're right about almost everyone having things that they wish they could change. Like for example I used to (for a short while) do a job that a lot of people hold as a brilliant thing to do, as it can pay well and give you a lot of freedom. But it just did not gel for me. Fundamentally I did not feel safe doing it, the owner of the company was a psychopath (not in the "hey my boss is a bit psycho" kind of way, more in the "he has actually chased someone to Alaska as he felt they'd wronged him" kind of way), and put simply I genuinely didn't know if by the end of my 5 year contract I would still be around. If I wanted any kind of liveable life, I HAD to get out of there. Which thankfully I did. Right now, this isn't at that level of desperation, so hopefully I can find a way to be true to myself without having to shoulder any kind of great cost. The only thing that worries me is how many times I've heard that dysphoria gets worse and worse with time. And that just because I'm not at that breaking point now, doesn't mean one day I won't be :/ But... right now I'm not, so I'm not going to stress out about hypothetical futures. I kind of feel like I should buy something special to commemorate this milestone, but I told myself I would be sensible and have a frugal week :/ When did I start enjoying clothes shopping... what have I become lmao SUCH A GIRL! But seriously, I am glad you've made some progress and turned a negative into a positive. We are here for you!
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Bad day
Jul 8, 2021 15:25:14 GMT
via mobile
Post by Maria on Jul 8, 2021 15:25:14 GMT
Oops just realised I'd never replied š³ Thanks š I looked at some Supergirl costumes as it's something random and fun that I'd thought about getting for a while, and it seemed appropriate. But they were all either too small or too expensive One day maybe!
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Post by Jessica on Jul 9, 2021 12:22:47 GMT
Costumes are a surprisingly large part of my stash. They're a fun mix up from the regular clothes. I bought a leotard and ballet tights in my last purchase. I might buy a tutu to go with it just for funsies and see how it feels.
All that is to say, I highly encourage costumes!
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Bad day
Jul 9, 2021 14:01:21 GMT
via mobile
Post by Maria on Jul 9, 2021 14:01:21 GMT
Costumes are a surprisingly large part of my stash. They're a fun mix up from the regular clothes. I bought a leotard and ballet tights in my last purchase. I might buy a tutu to go with it just for funsies and see how it feels. All that is to say, I highly encourage costumes! As with so many other things, I never had any desire to get any or play around with them before. I guess perhaps for my subconscious, I was already "in costume", so I'd just be swapping one set of male-gendered clothes for another!
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Bad day
Jul 9, 2021 16:15:01 GMT
via mobile
Post by Jessica on Jul 9, 2021 16:15:01 GMT
Costumes are a surprisingly large part of my stash. They're a fun mix up from the regular clothes. I bought a leotard and ballet tights in my last purchase. I might buy a tutu to go with it just for funsies and see how it feels. All that is to say, I highly encourage costumes! As with so many other things, I never had any desire to get any or play around with them before. I guess perhaps for my subconscious, I was already "in costume", so I'd just be swapping one set of male-gendered clothes for another! My costumes on halloween are lazy. My costumes in my stash are more for fun to see how they feel. I suppose perhaps its me never having been able to go through a dressup faze as a kid like little girls do. So Im dressing up as a ballerina at 31 instead of at 8 lol.
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Bad day
Jul 9, 2021 19:05:28 GMT
via mobile
Post by Maria on Jul 9, 2021 19:05:28 GMT
See I always make those around me grumpy on halloween by refusing to do that. I'll quite happily celebrate it, but I will NOT dress up.
In terms of going out in public in a costume, I actually don't know whether being able to do so as a female (assuming I pass perfectly, so don't suffer abuse) would change that or not :/ I mean it can't hurt lol. And certainly the will is there to wear one in private, which isn't there for male costumes, so I don't know.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 10, 2021 1:51:39 GMT
See I always make those around me grumpy on halloween by refusing to do that. I'll quite happily celebrate it, but I will NOT dress up. In terms of going out in public in a costume, I actually don't know whether being able to do so as a female (assuming I pass perfectly, so don't suffer abuse) would change that or not :/ I mean it can't hurt lol. And certainly the will is there to wear one in private, which isn't there for male costumes, so I don't know. I gotta imagine you would. Women's costumes are so fun. You can take the opportunity to wear something fun, or dress like a tart (probably what I would have done if I am being honest with myself), or just wear something different and cute!
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