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Post by Maria on Jul 5, 2021 9:54:01 GMT
I watched a short documentary yesterday lunchtime about the science of being transgender. It was really interesting and I will try to remember to link it in a more relevant thread for anyone else who might want to watch it. Towards the end it talked about how brain scans show that the brains of trans women are wired up exactly the same as cis women's (and the same for trans/cis men) and showed the brain scans. And I just started shaking and bawling my eyes out. I've gotten a bit weepy before, like after a weekend where I have to go back to presenting male and I really don't want to, but this was on another level. This was full-on ugly crying.
I think maybe it finally, really and completely hit me - this is real, there is no cure (other than transition) and it will never, ever go away. Even if it does cycle for me, that doesn't mean it's gone, it means at some point it will come back, and whenever it does it is always stronger than it was before. It's not a phase, it's not a fun little hobby playing dress-up and pretend. This is me, the real me and my life, and basically that life is living a lie. Being hidden, not living life to the full. It feels a bit like (although I'm sure not to the same extent) being trapped in a burning tower-block room with the only escape being to jump out of the window to a certain demise - yes, it is true to say there are options (transition or don't), but neither option actually ends well. And then I feel terrible for saying that - from my position in life where I am very fortunate and privileged.
I did manage to get vaguely back to normal for the rest of the day, and it was a nice afternoon and evening. Today though I woke up with a kind of feeling of "you'll never be a woman so what's even the point in all this, just push it all back down and get on with your life". Not in a transphobic way, but because transition isn't a possibility for me. Although maybe it IS transphobic, because the exact thing that started this whole near-breakdown was the part of a Youtube show that confirmed that I am ALREADY a woman, I just don't look like one. This feels familiar though - I'm pretty sure that when my "cycles" have ended before, the beginning of that end was this thought pattern. Which would confirm that it does not truly cycle for me, I just go back into stages of repression again and again. And now I feel really melancholy, because there is an appeal to the simplicity of that "ignorance is bliss" life, but at the same time I know I am NEVER as happy or at peace when in those stages as I am when I am being true to myself. That though this path brings more heartache, it also brings immeasurably more joy and contentment too. I don't want to go back into my egg and superglue up the cracks, and honestly the thought that I might scares me. There again, I am here posting all this, which I don't think I would have done before - being honest is kind of the opposite of what you would go for if conscious repression was what you were aiming for lol.
So yeah... sorry for the slightly depressing start to the week, but I felt it would probably be healthy for me to share this.
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Post by Lily on Jul 5, 2021 10:50:14 GMT
Maria,
<GREAT BIG HUGS>
I'm sorry that you're having a very hard time with this at the moment. I understand exactly what you mean, that this isn't going away, it is who you are. I had a less upsetting version of that experience when I worked out why I was trans. That it was in-built into me, I have always been trans, and that there is no denying or escaping that fact.
Though neither transitioning nor not doing so will necesarily provide a better life for you, or any of us, that does not mean that there is no merit or point to all this. That there is some joy and happiness in it, and that those good feelings are not negated by all the negative.
You shouldn't feel bad for how you feel. Just because others have it worse, does not invalidate how feel about being trapped in a very difficult situation. To feel OK about the position you are in, and the life you have to lead, would be to deny how unacceptable it is that you have to, and just how unhappy that makes you.
I haven't been living with the awareness of who I am for as long as others here so am perhaps not the best person to give you advice. However I would advise to try find ways to live your life as the woman that you are, whenever you can. Any little thing you can find during the day that gives you respite or relief to having a wear a mask or adopt a mode. Also try to find a way to be more content with the fact that you at least you know who you truly are, and that there are others that accept you as that. I think being here will almost certainly help you break that cycle of repression. That by coming here regularly you can remain true to who you really are, and not go back to how you were living before.
I hope this has been of some help, and that I have not appeared dismissive to how you are feeling. You have to live with an incredibly heavy burden, that you can only share with very few, so finding a path out of how you've been feeling is very difficult.
Take care,
Woori-Mei
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Post by Maria on Jul 5, 2021 13:58:07 GMT
Thanks Woori-Mei *snuggles into hugs*
You haven't been dismissive at all, and everything you say is very true. The potential of losing those positives that you mention is why I don't like to think of the possibility of me going back into repression, and for the reasons that you state about our community here, I don't think I will this time. I must admit, all those years ago I joined an online forum for trans people, and while I have got a lot out of it and still dip in sometimes to see what's being said, that is a BIG forum. Like, thousands of active members. So while I could talk as my true self, it was nothing like here. With hundreds of posts per day happening, I was just another voice in the crowd, easy to get lost. While I know it's perhaps disheartening for Jessica that more people haven't joined here, I almost think that has been really beneficial for me as it has meant that the 5 of us have really connected in a much deeper way than if we had just been 5 people in amongst so many others. I know whose posts I will read each day, and who will reply to mine, and there is much more of a personal relationship with each of you than there would otherwise have been.
I'm not sure what was different about yesterday. It's not like there was anything new that I learned. Just suddenly, in that moment, everything felt very insurmountable. Maybe that was the moment my subconscious finally came to terms with it all, and realised it was something that needed to be PROPERLY processed and internalised. As opposed to perhaps having an internal sense of more "here is the science and truth about all trans people, except for me because I'm different and not the same and I can stop being trans any time it becomes a bit inconvenient". What I can say is that I feel much better now - better than this morning, definitely better than yesterday lunchtime. Pretty much back to normal. And I think that is 100% down to having this site, knowing that how I'm feeling is valid, and is seen and understood by others, and that those people stand with me and support me.
There again I think maybe the world has just broken the past couple of days. I managed to end up in the middle of a massive disagreement between 2 of my neighbours this morning, and now I'm not sure whether one set (who I consider good friends) are angry at me. And I've also found out that one of my best friends has just been broken up with by his girlfriend of (I think around) 8 years. So maybe it's just a bad day for everyone *shrugs*.
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Post by Lily on Jul 5, 2021 14:27:39 GMT
Maria,
I'm glad you're feeling better. Sorry to hear that others around you have added to your troubles though.
I understand exactly what you mean about the size of the forum, I have felt much the same way myself with forums on completely different topics to this. I think that we have created a central foundation to this forum by bonding as we have. That from here the site can grow a bit more. That new members can come into a genuinely friendly and welcoming atmosphere. Also even if this site really did attract that crowd you mentioned, at least all of us here now could still be in this little circle of friends if we wished to be.
It certainly sounds that you reached that point of no return. Perhaps the combination of being on here confirming your true identity everyday, and seeing that video just made it all click for you.
xox,
Woori-Mei
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Post by chloé on Jul 5, 2021 14:46:22 GMT
Hi Maria, it’s so difficult, I would like to take you in my arms. today we are a team of 5 girls and we discovered ourself. We will have in the future others bad day but you won’t be alone. you did so many research about trans and why that now you are our specialist. When I understood that my life will be male and only male I was really sad. we don’t have choice, I don’t want to lose my family, because I want to have boobs and a vagina. It will be difficult, as you my life is quite confortable and transition is absolutely not an option. I take refuge in my mind, even if it is not enough, I take it. we have to find the right balance between what the people see and who we really are. For information, I found my full names, I’m Chloé Rose Alice. It was important because it’s my full identity and a part of my balance. big hugs. when you say « you will never be a woman », I’m sorry but you are a woman. You just don’t have all the problems linked to female bodies, like us. 😉 Anyway, it’s good to have a bad day sometimes because we know that we will have friends to speak with about it and who understand ❤️. ❤️💋 Chloé
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Post by Jessica on Jul 5, 2021 16:19:39 GMT
Maria. Thank you for sharing. I know how you feel and it sucks. It seems downright hopeless sometimes and I don't have a great answer for you other than that it sucks and you should feel free to feel crappy about it.
Sometimes for ladies like us, ignorance really is bliss. Let me ask you this. If a genie came to you and told you he could magically make you feel like a cis male.....take all the trans feelings away.....would you do it?
It makes logical sense that you would. But you probably wouldn't. I wouldn't. It is a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same person without it.
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Post by chloé on Jul 5, 2021 18:44:17 GMT
Maria. Thank you for sharing. I know how you feel and it sucks. It seems downright hopeless sometimes and I don't have a great answer for you other than that it sucks and you should feel free to feel crappy about it. Sometimes for ladies like us, ignorance really is bliss. Let me ask you this. If a genie came to you and told you he could magically make you feel like a cis male.....take all the trans feelings away.....would you do it? It makes logical sense that you would. But you probably wouldn't. I wouldn't. It is a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same person without it. I like your approach, definitely I prefer keeping my woman secret.
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Post by Maria on Jul 5, 2021 20:21:46 GMT
Thank you all for your replies - it means so much knowing that you're all here for me And I spoke to my neighbours over the fence and they're fine with me, which is good! I deliberately stayed off of this thread until my daughter was asleep upstairs, as I didn't want to risk stirring up any particularly emotive feelings while she was around me. So that's why I haven't replied to you all sooner. I have to say, I'm glad I took that approach. Jessica's thought-experiment with the genie was quite possibly the most eye-opening moment I've ever had in the whole of my trans journey. My immediate, gut reaction was "God no I don't want to feel like a man, I'm not one of those!" From all the things I've said on here, I'm sure the fact that my response was along those lines isn't really a shock. But the strength and immediacy of the feeling did take me by surprise, I must admit. All of the things I've seen before have focussed on imagining going from wherever you are now to wherever it is you think you would like to be, and seeing how that makes you feel. I think it's the first time someone has asked about the reverse, about going from where I am now and working backwards. And the contrast between the first kind of question, where my answer is "yes, that would be nice, I think. A nice change, and a bit more 'me'," and the latter, where my thought of being more like my assigned gender filled me with what I can only really describe as disgust. The strength of that is quite shocking to me, even after all this time. I think I have some more mental processing to do...
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Post by Jessica on Jul 5, 2021 20:32:41 GMT
Maria. Thank you for sharing. I know how you feel and it sucks. It seems downright hopeless sometimes and I don't have a great answer for you other than that it sucks and you should feel free to feel crappy about it. Sometimes for ladies like us, ignorance really is bliss. Let me ask you this. If a genie came to you and told you he could magically make you feel like a cis male.....take all the trans feelings away.....would you do it? It makes logical sense that you would. But you probably wouldn't. I wouldn't. It is a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same person without it. I like your approach, definitely I prefer keeping my woman secret. Me too. On one hand, its a silly question. On the other it puts it in perspective. Its a burden and we hate it, but also wouldn't change ourselves if we could. At least that is USUALLY the answer. I wont speak for others.
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Post by Jessica on Jul 5, 2021 20:35:08 GMT
Thank you all for your replies - it means so much knowing that you're all here for me And I spoke to my neighbours over the fence and they're fine with me, which is good! I deliberately stayed off of this thread until my daughter was asleep upstairs, as I didn't want to risk stirring up any particularly emotive feelings while she was around me. So that's why I haven't replied to you all sooner. I have to say, I'm glad I took that approach. Jessica's thought-experiment with the genie was quite possibly the most eye-opening moment I've ever had in the whole of my trans journey. My immediate, gut reaction was "God no I don't want to feel like a man, I'm not one of those!" From all the things I've said on here, I'm sure the fact that my response was along those lines isn't really a shock. But the strength and immediacy of the feeling did take me by surprise, I must admit. All of the things I've seen before have focussed on imagining going from wherever you are now to wherever it is you think you would like to be, and seeing how that makes you feel. I think it's the first time someone has asked about the reverse, about going from where I am now and working backwards. And the contrast between the first kind of question, where my answer is "yes, that would be nice, I think. A nice change, and a bit more 'me'," and the latter, where my thought of being more like my assigned gender filled me with what I can only really describe as disgust. The strength of that is quite shocking to me, even after all this time. I think I have some more mental processing to do... Oh good. I am glad you had that reaction because I really debated whether to say that or not. I didn't want to trigger something bad. But everything you said is absolutely true and spot on. Worded better than I ever could. This is who I am and I don't want to be "normal" whatever that is. I want to be me.
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Post by Maria on Jul 5, 2021 20:55:19 GMT
I think the biggest shock was that my reaction wasn't just "but being trans is a part of who I am and I don't want to change who I am", which could also be true if a part of me identified as male. In fact, if any part of me no matter how small was male, that could be the reaction". But a reaction of "I am not male. Please don't make me be male because that is horrifying to me," shows to me pretty clearly that there is no small part. My mind and my sense of self are without a doubt completely female. I know on other threads there's been a bit of talk about labels recently - this really showed me that for me the label absolutely is "trans woman". Not non-binary, or gender-fluid, or bi-gender, any of those ones where you are mostly feminine, but some parts of you still identify with male even a little bit. For me, there is no little bit. Any questions that I had about "well I feel this sums me up best at the moment, but maybe in time I'll find a happy balance where I can be both and be happy with that, and then I'll need a different label..." nope.
It's the strength of that conviction, that I'm definitely not somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between the binaries, but instead am pretty much sat atop the pillar at the end of the binary, that's the shock. While obviously this is not a journey that ever really ends, I honestly feel like in this moment I have nothing left to question. Any remnants of repression that were left have been ripped away so that for perhaps the first time in my life I can see the raw, unfiltered, full truth of who I am.
I am Maria. And I am a woman.
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Post by Lily on Jul 5, 2021 21:09:42 GMT
I think the biggest shock was that my reaction wasn't just "but being trans is a part of who I am and I don't want to change who I am", which could also be true if a part of me identified as male. In fact, if any part of me no matter how small was male, that could be the reaction". But a reaction of "I am not male. Please don't make me be male because that is horrifying to me," shows to me pretty clearly that there is no small part. My mind and my sense of self are without a doubt completely female. I know on other threads there's been a bit of talk about labels recently - this really showed me that for me the label absolutely is "trans woman". Not non-binary, or gender-fluid, or bi-gender, any of those ones where you are mostly feminine, but some parts of you still identify with male even a little bit. For me, there is no little bit. Any questions that I had about "well I feel this sums me up best at the moment, but maybe in time I'll find a happy balance where I can be both and be happy with that, and then I'll need a different label..." nope. It's the strength of that conviction, that I'm definitely not somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between the binaries, but instead am pretty much sat atop the pillar at the end of the binary, that's the shock. While obviously this is not a journey that ever really ends, I honestly feel like in this moment I have nothing left to question. Any remnants of repression that were left have been ripped away so that for perhaps the first time in my life I can see the raw, unfiltered, full truth of who I am. I am Maria. And I am a woman. I now feel like you others must have did when I reported my self-discoveries. I am so pleased for you that you have had such a revelation with all that Maria. You have been able to achieve such great clarity as to who you are. That now you are certain of that, your mind is freed from all those questions you had before. I'm sure that will you give you great relief.
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Post by Lily on Jul 5, 2021 21:22:25 GMT
Maria. Thank you for sharing. I know how you feel and it sucks. It seems downright hopeless sometimes and I don't have a great answer for you other than that it sucks and you should feel free to feel crappy about it. Sometimes for ladies like us, ignorance really is bliss. Let me ask you this. If a genie came to you and told you he could magically make you feel like a cis male.....take all the trans feelings away.....would you do it?
It makes logical sense that you would. But you probably wouldn't. I wouldn't. It is a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same person without it. For me the answer is a resounding no. My initial thought was something along the lines of "Why on earth would I want to be one of those?". Putting aside everything else it would have made all that I've found out myself since being here, rather a waste of time On a more serious note, like everyone else I acknowledge that it's a core part of who I am. If the genie was asking to turn me into a cis woman then I think I'd probably take that. However a lot of that would be because it would be so easy and convenient, just a snap of a finger, and *woosh* I'm a woman. That is something I know I have a strong desire to be. I'd take the genie's offer because the chance to fulfill that dream may never come again. At the moment I just don't know how much of a male side there is inside me that I might lose.
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Post by Maria on Jul 6, 2021 10:36:54 GMT
So I got a bit weepy again yesterday evening after writing that last part, simply because it felt so good to actually just say it like that. No hiding behind complicated science or philosophy or anything like that - for me, if I'm willing to accept it, it really is as simple as those last four words. I am slightly reminded of something I read a while back somewhere else, where someone wrote "I think I know that I am going to transition, I just haven't told myself yet." Not because that applies to me, but more the sense that actually deep inside I've always known the answer, and I've just been adding in questions and complications to avoid actually confronting that answer because it might be a difficult answer, rather than one that leads to a nice, simple, easy path.
The next step I guess being to work out what to do next, now that I have this new-found, rock-solid clarity. The answer that I have at the moment seems to be that there isn't a great deal I CAN do that I haven't already done. Which in a way leads back to the thoughts that started this thread! But for now at least, I don't feel how I did on Sunday. And hopefully I can be more accepting of the fact that there isn't really a solution and finding peace with where I am, rather than keep hoping to uncover some non-existent extra facet of myself which will be the missing piece to a nice easy solution to make all the unpleasant parts go away!
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Post by Maria on Jul 6, 2021 10:42:09 GMT
Maria. Thank you for sharing. I know how you feel and it sucks. It seems downright hopeless sometimes and I don't have a great answer for you other than that it sucks and you should feel free to feel crappy about it. Sometimes for ladies like us, ignorance really is bliss. Let me ask you this. If a genie came to you and told you he could magically make you feel like a cis male.....take all the trans feelings away.....would you do it?
It makes logical sense that you would. But you probably wouldn't. I wouldn't. It is a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same person without it. For me the answer is a resounding no. My initial thought was something along the lines of "Why on earth would I want to be one of those?". Putting aside everything else it would have made all that I've found out myself since being here, rather a waste of time On a more serious note, like everyone else I acknowledge that it's a core part of who I am. If the genie was asking to turn me into a cis woman then I think I'd probably take that. However a lot of that would be because it would be so easy and convenient, just a snap of a finger, and *woosh* I'm a woman. That is something I know I have a strong desire to be. I'd take the genie's offer because the chance to fulfill that dream may never come again. At the moment I just don't know how much of a male side there is inside me that I might lose. As an interesting hypothetical, given what you've said about how being trans is a part of who you are: if the genie offered to turn you into a woman, would you prefer to turn into a cis woman, or a trans woman who has successfully completed every part of her transition (hormonal, social, surgical, everything) and passes 100%. Let's also say (to make it easier) that everyone in your life accepts you 100%, and the genie can guarantee that you will always be safe and never be a victim of any kind of transphobic abuse. So in terms of how you look/sound/act both cases are identical, how the world treats you in both is identical, but in one your trans identity remains and in one it goes. Which would you choose?
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