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Post by Lily on Jul 10, 2021 8:32:35 GMT
See I always make those around me grumpy on halloween by refusing to do that. I'll quite happily celebrate it, but I will NOT dress up. In terms of going out in public in a costume, I actually don't know whether being able to do so as a female (assuming I pass perfectly, so don't suffer abuse) would change that or not :/ I mean it can't hurt lol. And certainly the will is there to wear one in private, which isn't there for male costumes, so I don't know. I gotta imagine you would. Women's costumes are so fun. You can take the opportunity to wear something fun, or dress like a tart (probably what I would have done if I am being honest with myself), or just wear something different and cute! Dress like a tart you say. You mean like this?
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Bad day
Jul 10, 2021 8:40:25 GMT
via mobile
Post by Maria on Jul 10, 2021 8:40:25 GMT
Is that real? It kind of looks like someone's just photoshopped a clipart of a pop tart over treehe picture of the woman lol!
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Post by Lily on Jul 10, 2021 11:40:32 GMT
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Post by Jessica on Jul 10, 2021 15:48:21 GMT
I gotta imagine you would. Women's costumes are so fun. You can take the opportunity to wear something fun, or dress like a tart (probably what I would have done if I am being honest with myself), or just wear something different and cute! Dress like a tart you say. You mean like this? Yes, that is exactly what I meant. Thank you for clarifying Pop tarts as far as the eye can see on Halloween here in America
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Post by Maria on Jul 13, 2021 13:19:40 GMT
Veering violently back to where this thread started... š
Had another bad morning today. I actually feel not too bad now, which is surprising as only 4 hours ago I felt like I was losing my mind. I went to pick up some groceries and bits from the local supermarket and I thought I was going to have a full-on breakdown in the middle of the shop. I just kept seeing all the women walking around doing their shopping and feeling this intense, raw jealousy at their figures and how they looked and just basically the fact that they get to be women. I've had gender envy before, but not that extreme. Then also, where it's been a long time since any physical intimacy for me, that part of my brain was going on overdrive too for some reason. And then I imagined what it would be like to get "up close and personal" with someone, and suddenly felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks at the thought that if that happened they would see me as male. I felt completely overwhelmed by that feeling and felt tears coming into my eyes. I did some deep breathing and got it under control, but then every few seconds I'd see another person and have it all over again. Either the same pattern, or else I'd see a man and be hit by "that's what everyone else sees me as".
By the end I didn't know how much longer I would be able to keep it under control for, went through a self-service checkout and got the heck out of there ASAP. Got home, put away the chilled stuff and went and hid away in bed, which is rare for me. You know it's been a REALLY bad experience if I do that, rather than think "just do something and that'll take your mind off of it".
I'm now apprehensive about the rest of the day. If I could just stay in here I think I'd be OK, but in an hour I have to go back out into the world to do the school pick up, and then later this afternoon she has her swimming lesson, so I will be sat on the side of that to watch - lots of people walking by, and not exactly hidden if things do start to get to me again :/
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Post by Lily on Jul 13, 2021 14:14:51 GMT
Maria,
I am so sorry to read you're having a bad day Maria. That experience was obviously so very difficult for you. I think you did very well to keep yourself together as you did. I hope that this afternoon goes better for you.
Not sure I can give much good advice. I think I can only lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Please know that just because I'm having a hard time of it right now doesn't mean I can't or won't help if I'm able.
*hugs*
Sandi Mae
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Post by Jessica on Jul 13, 2021 14:45:31 GMT
Man I feel bad. There have been a few people here who have been struggling a bit lately. All I can say is hang in there and know there are at least a few people on this globe who understand and empathize. I am sorry this happened.
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Bad day
Jul 13, 2021 14:55:15 GMT
via mobile
Post by Maria on Jul 13, 2021 14:55:15 GMT
Thank you both. I know it's not really something where anyone can do much other than listen, but that is appreciated Much better than just having the experience and then wondering about it alone inside my head for however long. I just wonder why I'm suddenly having so many experiences that are so much more intense than anything I've had previously. Little bit concerning :/
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Post by chloƩ on Jul 14, 2021 7:29:58 GMT
I was thinking of your question, cis woman or trans woman fully accepted. For my part, I take the cis woman choice but I want my wife as a cis man. Why, because I want to be a mother and being able to be pregnant. Iām not sure it is possible for trans woman, only if the magic allows it, then perhaps being trans but only in this case. You Know Chloe physically speaking, and motherhood is a big part of my feminity. š¤°š¤±š¼
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Post by chloƩ on Jul 14, 2021 9:03:36 GMT
Hello Maria, to picture what I mean with my late answer to your question of the 6th of july, I show you who I want to be. The man who is with me is my wife changed by faceapp. I find him very cute.
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Post by Maria on Jul 14, 2021 10:44:31 GMT
I was thinking of your question, cis woman or trans woman fully accepted. For my part, I take the cis woman choice but I want my wife as a cis man. Why, because I want to be a mother and being able to be pregnant. Iām not sure it is possible for trans woman, only if the magic allows it, then perhaps being trans but only in this case. You Know Chloe physically speaking, and motherhood is a big part of my feminity. š¤°š¤±š¼ That makes a lot of sense. I think for me it would be that balance between the struggles of being trans being a part of my history and who I am, and that desire to carry a child and bring them into the world. I think perhaps if I knew there was a high probability of me meeting someone and having a child with them then I would probably also go with that option. But if I knew in advance that for whatever reason that was unlikely, then I would probably go with fully-transitioned trans woman, as that way I keep that large part of my identity. Lovely pictures again by the way
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Post by Maria on Jul 14, 2021 16:44:55 GMT
Had a bit of an apathetic start to the day today - I didn't really feel bad, I just didn't really feel good either. I think a lot of it was down to a weird kind of lack-of-dysphoria dysphoria. Like I'd see myself in the mirror, undeniably not female and not feel too awful about it. And then something would happen, I'd react to it in a way that felt "male" to me, and not hate the fact that I'd reacted that way. And then I think weirdly I got a bit down about the fact that those things felt OK, almost as if it was like "see, they felt ok, you're putting this whole thing on and it's not real, just go back to living life and stop worrying about all this stuff that you can't change".
Having got home and now being home alone though, I have gotten changed into a bra, top and skirt (I wasn't even sure I could be bothered to, that was the stage I was at!) and now feel much better. They do say that gender dysphoria isn't the biggest indicator of being transgender, that gender euphoria is instead. It's like... I didn't necessarily feel bad before, but now I feel more comfortable and more like me. Perhaps having lived with these feeling repressed for so many years, that apathetic middle-ground was just what I was used to. So it doesn't feel bad because it just feels familiar.
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Post by Lily on Jul 14, 2021 17:11:51 GMT
Maria,
Glad you're feeling a bit better now.
I'm glad you got changed. Anything we can do that confirms our gender is so important. You are correct in saying that gender euphoria is a much better indicator than dysphoria. I think I am the living proof of that. I confirm my trans identity by remembering the feeling of affirmation and euphoria that I've felt, and not through any dysphoric feelings.
I get what you mean about the familiarity of it all. The feeling just becomes neutral because you're so accustomed to it. I also think that as we are trans we look for these signs of confirmation or the reverse. That we can view everything we do and feel through our trans glasses. Cis people don't even think about any that they just go about their day without these concerns.
xox,
Sandi Mae
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Bad day
Jul 15, 2021 9:09:46 GMT
via mobile
Post by Maria on Jul 15, 2021 9:09:46 GMT
I think that's very true that we look for signs even in places where there aren't really any. Some things are just unisex, therefore as they are also something a male would do we can go too far the other way and perceive them as male. As if there wasn't already enough things to be confused about!
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Post by Jessica on Jul 15, 2021 15:13:37 GMT
So can you explain what you think the difference is between euphoria and dysphoria in this context?
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