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Post by Lily on Jun 24, 2021 10:40:58 GMT
Sorry Chloe, I should have elaborated more.
Earlier in this thread, I said that at first I thought that coming here would be like putting my feet into a paddling pool, but I ended up diving deep into the ocean. Now I'm at the waterpark enjoying all the rides and slides.
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Post by Lily on Jun 25, 2021 10:40:22 GMT
I'm putting this here and not in my latest thread because that's got a quirky happy title, and right now I feel anything but happy. I'm just going to list everything, in no particular order.
I've fallen into a deep well of despondency barely wanting to do anything. I only come alive when I have of you to interact with.
I feel too full of thoughts to go to sleep, but too tired to do anything.
I feel too exposed and feel perhaps I should withdraw from sharing at least for a short while. However I know I need to carry on, because it needs to be shared, and not just typed onto a page for no-one else to ever read. If I don't share, then these thoughts will just go churning round and round my head.
I actually don't know what to wear - I don't like my guy clothes, but feel just too sad to put a nice dress on. Maybe I just need some more mundane female clothes to wear
If this had been a crash course in discovering your gender identity, well today I think I have crashed. I don't know whether to just sit and stop, to carry on driving in another car, or to just hitch a ride from one of you.
The identity crisis has really hit hard today. Right now when I look in the mirror I don't know who or what I'm looking at. Before today I have known. I know it's still all me, but that's just so mixed up right now. Even Google taunts me asking which account I want to log into, my regular account with a male name, or a new account under Woori-Mei's name. The answer is that I just don't know. I don't fully identify as a woman, but it no longer feels right to identify as a man either, and I just don't how to feel about that.
You can say labels are just labels, but labels exist for a purpose, to idenitfy and clarify. I need some frame of reference to hang my experience around, and right now I don't have one. The term "non-binary" I have no issue with being that, but I hate the words used in that term. Non-binary describing what I am not, not what I am. It also makes me feel like a number like I'm just not 0 or 1, well I'm a human being not a number. I know there are more specific descriptors on the MtF spectrum, but they overlap so much that it just adds to the confusion. I know it's too early to know just yet, but that thought offers no comfort for me in this moment.
You are all here for me, you've said it and meant it, and I truly believe that you are. Except right now I'm alone and isolated, unable to tell family or friends what I've been going through this past week or so.
I'm sorry that this has just been a list of negative thoughts, but this is where I am at this morning, and if I don't tell you then who do I tell?
Woori-Mei
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Post by Maria on Jun 25, 2021 12:09:49 GMT
Woori-Mei, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. If nothing else, please just know that I'm thinking of you and sending love and positive vibes your way. A few of the things you mention definitely sound similar to things I experienced in the early days of my realisation, so I'll say what I found and maybe some of it will be helpful, and for bits that aren't (or if none is!) then just ignore those bits.
Despondency is exactly how I would describe how I felt back then, among an absolute ****storm of just about every other emotion ever. To paraphrase something I read at the time though, you've lived with a truth for many, many years. And suddenly you're realising that not only was that truth a lie, but it was you yourself telling that lie. So it's OK to feel scared, sad, angry, along with the positives of realising who you really are. It would be more concerning if you didn't feel those things! Unfortunately they are the dark side of the process, but a necessary part nonetheless.
I had moments like that regarding what to wear. Some everyday clothes could be a good solution - I think part of it for me was that wearing a party dress to sit and TV felt more like I was playing dress up and pretend than being true to who I was. Nowadays if I feel like getting all dolled up when the opportunity presents, fantastic. If I'm getting changed and I don't feel like that, I'll slum it in some PJs or a strappy vest top and some leggings. What I did always find though, is if I was on the fence about changing into female attire, even if I didn't really feel like it or like there was a point, I ALWAYS felt better once I had. No exceptions.
I know what you mean about labels. As people, we like things to fit into nice, neat little boxes so we can make sense of them. The irony being that AS people, we don't really fit into those boxes ourselves. I think I used to be more concerned with a label at the start - I think because for me as a 'follower' rather than a 'leader' I wanted to find the one that fitted so I could go "here is exactly what is going on, and here is how I deal with it". To take the work out of the self-discovery process for me, so I could just immediately have all the answers. For me where I am now though, I know I'm not cis, which means that I am trans (as in the broader umbrella term encompassing all the various and more specific labels). Not as specific as I could be perhaps, but at least I feel I've got something that I know is true to me.
I wish I had more to offer on you last point, but that is something I still struggle with (as I'm sure we all do here, hence why we found a site with 'Closeted' in the name!) Our nearest and dearest are just that for a reason, and feeling that we're putting on an act around them, or lying/hiding from them is an absolute hell. All I can really say (for all the good it does) is that you're not alone in feeling it, and at least now we have a small community where we know everyone here knows exactly what we're dealing with.
Sending hugs Maria
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Post by Lily on Jun 25, 2021 17:20:21 GMT
Thanks for your response. I had kind of been expecting the low after the high, but what you said about truth and lies, and the reaction to them make a lot of sense. This isn't the comedown from the high, it's the inevitable normal reaction to what I realised yesterday. I think I'd like a fashion section on this forum. I would love to know how others dress up, not that all can of course. I knew I had to have a summer dress, and a red cocktail dress too, but they're more for happier days. I have been thinking of getting a mini-skirt and some kind of vest top, but maybe a long-sleeved one would be better for our English weather. The labels issue - I'm kind of blowing hot and cold on this. I intend to remain closeted for the foreseeable future so do not need to tell anyone that "I am XYZ" as such. However I think I would like to be able to tell myself what I am, just a short phrase. Maybe I should just call myself a transgirl, after the name of this site, after all it's how I found about all this inside of me. I think that if I didn't hate the words in non-binary so much, then I would be fine just labelling myself as that. I don't think I'm too hung up on it though, it doesn't feel like an imperative quest that I must undertake. Indeed we are here because it is a struggle. It could be nothing other than that. I told my sister I was having a hard time, and I'm sure she's wondering why. I'd really like to be able to tell her too. Thinking that I would have an ally in the house, and that perhaps she could do her little sister's make-up from time to time. Of course on the other hand, I could end up with a sister that will look down on me, or that treats me oddly, and one that I would still have to live with for many years to come. Everyone else here has been living with this a lot longer than I have, and I have now an understanding of how very hard it is on all of you. As much as others have been sending their love, I would wish I could hug each and everyone of you. This is the best I can do for you all right now. Woori-Mei
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Post by Lily on Jun 26, 2021 1:26:51 GMT
I was woken up about 15 mins ago by what I thought was a knock on my door. I inquired in response but no answer came, must have been next door I guess. Of course once awake my mind is once again ablaze with thoughts.
Maria's response to today's earlier post really helped. I am glad that I did vent a bit, once on the screen the size of my concerns reduced. Almost all of those expressed have greatly eased or gone away. Later on I was able to see Woori-Mei in the mirror again when I let my hair hang loose. Earlier I had not wanted to look at all not knowing what I wanted to see. Now I did and it was fine.
I changed my avatar because I wasn't the happy smiley Woori-Mei today. I was tired, confused and dishivelled so changed it to reflect that.
My mood did not match my outfits today. I realised I needed some more casual attire to dress up in. I didn't do so at all today, not even underneath the t-shirt and jogging bottoms. I looked at mini-skirts again, but those I really would have liked didn't come in my size (still not sure what my size is though) and if they did then they couldn't be delivered to an Amazon Locker. I found one that is OK, but only OK, nothing I really want. I looked at tops too, and there were a few nice things but the results were similar to the skirts. Nothing stood out in particular. I'm sure you've all been there too. There is an Amazon Locker only 10 mins away from my house, so I'm fortunate that I can literally just pop down to the shops, get some groceries and collect my orders without raising much suspicion. I just need something that I can order that calls out to me. I'm also thinking that one or two accessories might be nice to have too. Just something I can quickly take on and off, that I can wear with either my guy or girl clothes. Any suggestions girls?
It really does help me to be able to put all those thoughts down onto the screen like this, be they big or small. Though there is always the unavoidable delay between posts and replies, it is comforting to know that you, both as individuals and as a group, will at least read and understand.
xox,
Woori-Mei
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Post by Maria on Jun 26, 2021 13:21:03 GMT
I'm glad I was able to help a bit. It is good to vent - otherwise we just end up bottling those thoughts and feelings up, which is exactly what we've all spent a lifetime doing anyway! For accessories, I would definitely check out Claire's if you're able to. Really good prices, and looks good too. Of course the quality wouldn't be good enough for like a fancy night out or anything, but that's not the purpose that they're fulfilling! I've got a bangle, a couple of rings, a necklace and some clip-on earrings from there. The earrings were one of the first things I ever bought, I think they were about £5, and they still look good as new even now. Quite often on evenings where my daughter is here and so I am dressed male, I will put on a ring and the bangle, knowing that if I hear the bedroom door open upstairs I can have them slipped off and tucked away out of sight before she gets downstairs.
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Post by Jessica on Jun 26, 2021 23:07:34 GMT
I have always struggled with accessories. I have quite a bit of a stash but no accessories that I have really liked if I am being honest.
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Post by Lily on Jun 27, 2021 3:15:14 GMT
I think I've got a bit stuck at having gone to an all-boys school for five years. I just feel so bitter and angry at it all. Directed outwards to those who made my life a misery. I'm unable to picture me/her at a different school. All I can imagine us me/her being picked on and bullied at the school I went to. It was like it's happening to me a second time, but also to someone I love too. It was just horrible. I didn't want to think about it, but when it was happening it was so difficult to stop. It left me a sobbing mess. It's clearly brought up a lot of anger and resentment that I had anyway. However I haven't ever needed to think about those times for so long, as it was all over 35 years ago. I had put it all behind me, but I think the fact I was almost certainly at the wrong school has of course made it all resurface.
After that PTSD moment, I hated putting on these male clothes, but I had to go the bathroom downstairs. They never felt more like a prison. I then just wanted out of my male body, wanting nothing more to do with it or any man at all. At no point had I wanted to have a woman's body more that in that moment. When I got back upstairs I couldn't wait to tear off my male apparel, thinking I'd rather be naked than to keep on wearing it.
Thankfully Francie had replied to my most recent thread, so I concentrated on writing a response back to her. I don't feel quite so bad right now, but that's saying so very much.
Thanks for listening,
Woori-Mei
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Post by Lily on Jun 27, 2021 9:45:02 GMT
So that was 6 hours ago, and I've just got up. Frankly feeling no better.
I resented have to log into any accounts with my male name, I didn't even want to look that name.
I looked online about transitioning at a later stage in life, and just saw a long list of health risks, two of which definitely apply to me.
I just phoned the UK's National Trans Helpline, and for the second time now, got put through to mobile no's voice message. I hung up.
I want to get back to how I was yesterday, happily joking with you all, but I cannot find that woman right now. I feel like what I am, a sad lonely old woman, struggling to come to terms with her new identity, bitter and angry at all the cards fate has dealt her over her life.
Sorry that this is two heavy negative posts back-to-back, but I'm sure you'll undertand about not wanting to put on a brave face, or any other face, for others. We all do more than enough of that as it is.
W-M
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Post by Maria on Jun 27, 2021 11:57:49 GMT
Ohh sending hugs your way. Don't worry about venting or your posts expressing negative thoughts. As you say, we all spend most of the time hiding things from the rest of the world, and this is a place where we can actually let out what's going on inside us. If you only let those things out when they are happy things... well that's still not letting your true self shine through! I can't believe that a 24hr helpline keeps sending you to voicemail; that's really bad. I wonder if there's a different one, like a local branch or something. I will have a think. There's a lot from my school days that still makes me incredibly angry or sad when I think about it. Not just about how I was different to my peers, but actually how I was treated by (some of) the adults at the school too. It felt like their arbitrary rules, and me conforming to them, was more important than my own wellbeing and mental health. Not even just stuff that I now realise were signs of my repressed reality - some of these things were quite simply just about being a decent human being who gave a **** about the people they were supposedly caring for. In my last year, a series of events took place which made no sense unless certain assumptions were true. Years later, it was confirmed to me that they were indeed true. Had I know that at the time, and been able to prove it, I'm fairly certain the teachers involved (including the headteacher) would NOT have come out of it well at all. Sorry, I got side-tracked there and went into my own venting session But yeah... being trans, even if repressed, in an all-male environment... not a recipe for success :/
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Post by Lily on Jun 27, 2021 12:37:38 GMT
I finally got through to someone about 30 mins ago. Really only directed me to local groups, but it was something. It was the first time talking out loud about it too, so it was awkward. They had a rather questioning tone too, like they needed to be convinced that "Yes I know I'm trans". I looked at what's available but a lot of it was support group meet-ups which I'm just not ready for yet, or counselling which may be needed but again it's too early to tell. I might try the helpline. Honestly I think I just need someone to talk to when you girls aren't around. To talk like we do on here, just chat with friends.
It doesn't help that my life is so empty too, there is no work to go to, no partner nor child in my life, I'm just rattling around in my room with no activity to distract me. That's also why I've come along way so quickly of course, but all that thinking has left my brain too tired to do what I've been enjoying recently. A lot of what's getting me down at the moment isn't that I'm trans, it's the same things that were getting me down before. At the moment it's really only the whole school thing that's the negative part of this new experience.
Yep - all-male school, repressed trans and recently bereaved. No wonder I left there so f***ed up. Honestly I can't believe I got it together enough to do well at college the following year, but it soon caught up with me in the years after that.
Don't worry about venting. Like you say if we can't let off steam here then where can we?
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Post by Jessica on Jun 27, 2021 15:45:52 GMT
Oh Woori,
I don't know what to tell you other than that really sucks. I can't believe a 24 hour helpline went to voicemail too. That is really rough.
Best advice I can give from my own meandering experience is to try and distract yourself for awhile to take your mind off it. Read a book, watch TV, play a video game, go out for a beer (or even better....a white wine) and try and let your mind recover from all the crazy week you and it have had.
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Post by Lily on Jun 28, 2021 1:28:41 GMT
I think I've got a bit stuck at having gone to an all-boys school for five years. I just feel so bitter and angry at it all. Directed outwards to those who made my life a misery. I'm unable to picture me/her at a different school. All I can imagine us me/her being picked on and bullied at the school I went to. It was like it's happening to me a second time, but also to someone I love too. It was just horrible. I didn't want to think about it, but when it was happening it was so difficult to stop. It left me a sobbing mess. It's clearly brought up a lot of anger and resentment that I had anyway. However I haven't ever needed to think about those times for so long, as it was all over 35 years ago. I had put it all behind me, but I think the fact I was almost certainly at the wrong school has of course made it all resurface. After that PTSD moment, I hated putting on these male clothes, but I had to go the bathroom downstairs. They never felt more like a prison. I then just wanted out of my male body, wanting nothing more to do with it or any man at all. At no point had I wanted to have a woman's body more that in that moment. When I got back upstairs I couldn't wait to tear off my male apparel, thinking I'd rather be naked than to keep on wearing it.
Thankfully Francie had replied to my most recent thread, so I concentrated on writing a response back to her. I don't feel quite so bad right now, but that's saying so very much.
Thanks for listening,
Woori-MeiThat first paragraph. I've thought of a temporary solution at least. That though I don't think I can get that initial excerpt out of my head, that it doesn't go on for too long. That somehow the woman that I am now, reassures her and says to tell her mother. The girl I was in the past tells my mum, and from there I get start at a new school, the all-girls school in town that I should have gone to. Then I can just picture me arriving there and starting. xox, Woori-Mei
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Post by Maria on Jun 28, 2021 20:23:55 GMT
That sounds like it could be a good solution Making it the beginning of a good memory, rather than the entirety of a bad one. Hope you're feeling ok today xx
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Post by Lily on Jun 28, 2021 20:50:45 GMT
Thanks for your concern.
Like I said I don't think I can stop that first montage coming into my head, but I can control what happens afterwards. Actually intervening into the story as myself now, looking after that little girl.
I have been feeling a lot better, thank you. The highs and lows are bit extreme at the moment, I'm either really happy and excited, particularly hanging out with everyone here, but then the lows are pretty bad, when I feel alone or old and washed-up. It's been a lot more of the former thankfully.
Love,
Woori-Mei
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