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Post by Lily on Jun 17, 2021 13:40:43 GMT
Thanks for the warm welcome I received yesterday.
I felt some relief from my first post. In finally saying and accepting the fact that I'm not cisgender. i'm now planning to tell a friend who I think will be sympathetic.
This is all good, however since then I have been thinking to myself - so now what? I have thought how I would like to ideally express and explore my feminine side. Also about how I would like to be seen by others, but more importanly how I would see myself. Two main problems spring to mind with those thoughts
1) I cannot see a way out of my current situation that would allow me to dress how I liked when I liked
2) I have never worn a full set of woman's clothing, nor been made up. Do I just like the idea of it, but would not like the reality? I don't think that's the case, but the doubt is there, and it is very difficult to try and find out.
I'm 52 and have spent my adult life denying what could have brought me happiness. Even now, no longer in denial, I don't know if that happiness can be got.
I'm not looking for answers as such, just wanted to share how I'm feeling
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Post by Maria on Jun 17, 2021 22:23:29 GMT
Hi Woori Without knowing your situation I can't offer much for your first problem, but for the second, perhaps try re-framing it as part of a journey of discovery rather than a problem? I know for me, there have been things that I have tried which have instantly seemed so right (gender euphoria is wonderful ) and others which I have realised aren't such good fits. Plenty of cis-women aren't into makeup/jewelry/dresses/etc, doesn't make them any less of a woman. So if you were to try something and it doesn't feel right... well no problem! You're just discovering and narrowing down what kind of woman you are, after having to keep it secret from the world for so many years!
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Post by Lily on Jun 18, 2021 0:11:51 GMT
Thanks for reply Maria I appreciate it,
You are right I will look at the way that you suggest. I would like to try to begin the journey, but I don't know how, when and where.
Another part of the problem is that I still have doubts as to the genuineness of my feelings. I woke up from a nap earlier, and part of me felt that coming on here had been like a dream, and that nothing had changed, and began to dismiss my recent acceptance. I had to remind myself that I wouldn't have been bursting into tears all day, if this was all nothing, that it must be significant. Then I began to process new clues and pointers as to my genuine feelings to help confirm once more.
This is very early days for me and I'm in a bit of a loop of re-confirm > re-accept > dismiss and back again. I'm hoping that if I can tell my friend then that will anchor it in reality a bit more.
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Post by Maria on Jun 18, 2021 12:17:35 GMT
My pleasure I know what you mean. My dam of repression burst nearly 5 years ago and I still have times where it seems unreal or like I'm making it up. My dysphoria seems to cycle though, which I think contributes to that. Much easier to discount it all when the dysphoria isn't there to remind you that it's real! Whatever feelings you have are genuine. They say that "Am I trans?" is the easiest question in the world to answer. Why? Because cis people don't question their gender. It can't tell you where under the trans umbrella you fall, but if you have these thoughts and feelings to any degree, then you are almost certainly included in the wide definition of 'trans"!
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Post by Lily on Jun 18, 2021 13:58:27 GMT
Yes I think that's been the problem. I know that the "Am I trans?" question doesn't have a simple yes/no response, but all the same I can find myself keep getting stuck at "Well I don't want to become a woman so..." then all the doubts come in.
The intensity of my feelings these past two days has caught me by complete surprise. I just saw Emory's link, had a few spare minutes, and thought why not take a look, then seeing that yes I belong here. I thought I could just say "Hey it's me. I belong here because..." and carry on as I had been doing before, maybe popping back now and again. I thought I was putting my feet into the paddling pool, but what I was really doing was taking a deep dive into the ocean. I'm glad I did though, but to put no finer point on it I wish one of the sisters here could put their arm around me. I'm laying here typing this, and my sister and nephew are downstairs completely unaware all the complexity of emotions I've been going through.
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Post by Lily on Jun 18, 2021 14:00:31 GMT
I came to this site via Emory Ahlberg. I'd been drawn back to his work, and decided to become a Patron of his only last week, joining Patreon to do so. When I was re-affirming my feelings yesterday, I found myself thinking of reactions to some of the scenarios in his stories. Not any big dramatic scenes but more the quieter moments.
Holly helping Jill select an outfit for a date. Sofia having to select underwear and a dress to please her new mother. Jill going for a day at the beach in a summer dress, stripping off to a bikini.
Why was I drawn to these? What made these so appealing. Now there's some bare flesh in those scenes I grant you, but nothing particularly erotic. So what was it? To anyone here reading this the answer is obvious - I want to be Jill trying out new outfits with her friend; please can I be Sofia selecting nice underwear and having lots of pretty dresses bought especially for her; "Please oh genie of the lamp can I look like Jill in that bikini?"
Another example, one that I was particularly surprised I kept returning to. Nikki in Half Sisters meeting her father at the airport. In this instance it isn't what's going on that's drawing me in. Also Nikki's body shape isn't what I'm particularly attracted to. So what is it that kept pulling me back? The conclusion is similar to before - Nikki, once an athletic male footballer, is now an elegant beautiful woman wearing a form-fitting red outfit that perfectly demonstrates her new slender figure. Nikki has been transformed, and I wish I could experience something similar, for a little while at least.
I read/look at the work of other TG artists, and have done so for 6 or 7 years. I've been thinking for some time now - why am I so drawn to these TG tales? Why am I more attracted to the transwomen in them, and not similarily looking ciswomen in other artists' work? Is this just a kink, a fetish? The amount of tissue paper being used seemed to say yes, but I knew something else was going on.
I came to realise that I am not just attracted to these women, but also to the transformation, a transformation that I would like to have. It wasn't that I wanted to love these women, I wanted to be them. Also I was/am jealous of the men that they were. Where's my magical transformation, gender bender ray or evil billionaire? How come they get to look like that and I don't?
Even when writing this I come to another conclusion, that looking at all this TG art has been my way of dealing with my inner feelings. They have given me the opportunity to express and enjoy my desire to look and dress like a woman, while not being able to do so. I know I need more than just that now, but it has helped lead me to this new acceptance.
So thank you very much to Emory and all those other TG artists, I wouldn't have got here without you.
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Post by Jessica on Jun 18, 2021 15:16:30 GMT
Oh man do I identify with this. Its the cyclical nature of my dysphoria that is sometimes maddening. Sometimes I feel it very strongly for weeks at a time, sometimes I barely notice it. It makes me question who I am constantly. Because I don't feel 100% one way or the other. I don't have the steely tunnel vision determination that many trans women have. I waver. I understand what you are saying, but I can't really give you a good answer. If you come up with one, let me know haha.
The only thing I have discovered recently is genderfluidity. That might explain it? But I don't know. As I have said before, if I was offered a magic box and a button I could push to become a woman I would probably do it. So in the end, I think I may be more female than male. But I don't know!
I don't have the time this morning to really read through and process this at the level I'd like, but I will come back tomorrow and really dig and give you my feedback!
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Post by Jessica on Jun 19, 2021 6:55:40 GMT
My pleasure I know what you mean. My dam of repression burst nearly 5 years ago and I still have times where it seems unreal or like I'm making it up. My dysphoria seems to cycle though, which I think contributes to that. Much easier to discount it all when the dysphoria isn't there to remind you that it's real! Whatever feelings you have are genuine. They say that "Am I trans?" is the easiest question in the world to answer. Why? Because cis people don't question their gender. It can't tell you where under the trans umbrella you fall, but if you have these thoughts and feelings to any degree, then you are almost certainly included in the wide definition of 'trans"! Maria I really identify with what you say closely and I think you make some excellent points I haven't thought of. Cis people don't question their gender is correct. Although I would say it is possible to not be cis, and still not be fully trans either.
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Post by Jessica on Jun 19, 2021 7:05:23 GMT
Alright Woori I read through all your thoughts.
-First, very cute avatar, I love it. Does it have any particular significance to you? Or just a pretty girl you like?
-Second, you say you have never been dressed or worn makeup. If you have the ability (both timewise and financially) I would suggest you do it. I actually have built up a little bit of a stash of women's clothing and makeup over the years that I keep very well hidden. These days you don't even have to go to a store or even get it delivered to your house. Order on Amazon and you can have it delivered to a locker (usually located in a grocery store or something) that you can pick up at your convenience. I have ordered cute dresses, swimsuits, some wigs, hosery, panties, bras, makeup, etc. I used to bust it out when my wife left town. That doesn't happen as much anymore, and I have sort of gone away from it a little bit. But I'll be completely honest one time the dysphoria was so strong I left work an hour early and went to a hotel room for 90 minutes or so and indulged haha. Anyway, my point is that if you have never done it and there is any way you can I think you ought to. Then come back here and tell us how you felt!
-Third and finally, I just want to say that I totally understand how you feel and how it feels so isolating. I am glad you are here and able to talk about it. We understand and are here for you! Thank you for coming!
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Post by Lily on Jun 19, 2021 18:52:46 GMT
1) Thank you. I had noticed that the fact you had an avatar made your posts seem more personal, and she being female too helped me open up a bit more to you as well.
Her name's Mei from the Overwatch video game. I've never played it, but I've seen her a lot on hentai and other art sites, and have watched a short official video in which she stars. I wanted an avatar that somehow represented how I might like to be. She is close to that in looks, style, and personality. She looks cute, pretty, friendly and warm, and very importantly for me, wears glasses. You can't tell from the avatar, but she is a bit chubby and cuddly, something I feel I'd like to be as a woman. She's clever, quirky, brave and caring. She exemplifies many of the traits that I both admire and would like to have as both male or female.
2) I think that this is my next step. I have a nice pair of lacy panties and a bra, which by some amazing stroke of luck, fits fairly comfortably. I hadn't put them on for some months, not since last year maybe. I started to wear the panties again on Thursday evening, and the next evening put the bra on too. When I first bought them about 5/6 years ago, it was when I thought that it was just a kink, that it would be to turn me on. That didn't really happen, but I still liked the way they felt, and how it made me feel - not turned on, but more content. However I ignored/pushed away what that feeling really might signify, and/or worried about being discovered, and didn't buy anymore.
Now I know I need more than just that underwear. This morning between bouts of sleep, I thought what I'd really like to do today is to just go into town, and pick out some nice clothes to buy. Of course society won't let me do that, but I noted the desire nonetheless. I'm thinking of buying some more things that I can wear under my guy clothes, but more than just underwear. That, and perhaps something to wear in bed. I think what I'd most like though is a nice summer dress, and a bikini. I think those would really scratch my itch right now.
I didn't know about the lockers, I will look to see if that's available here too. That would really help. I think the money spent on clothes would be more than worth it for gaining more contentment and happiness, so long as it wasn't too much, even though money is very tight.
3) Being on this site I think is the first time I've felt that I can be my true self, that I don't need to keep anything hidden away, or deny how I truly feel, or pretend I'm anyone other than who I really am. Everyone's been so welcoming here. I've got upset at the thought that this all might suddenly end, and this is taken away from me.
Jessica, I honestly can't thank you enough for creating this site, and talking with me. I feel like the new girl at school with all of this, and that you've been the Head Girl kindly showing me around. It has meant so very much. I would really love to give you a great big hug in thanks.
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Post by Jessica on Jun 19, 2021 19:11:04 GMT
I appreciate the kind words Woori! 1-Thats a cool name and a cool inspiration. I have never played Overwatch either. I think I mentioned this in the other thread, but my avatar is Alex Morgan, the star of the US Soccer team. I think she is the ideal of what I would want to be if I were a woman. She really seems to have it all. 2-Yeah, the idea of shopping at a store is terrfying. I used to just order online, but hadn't been able to do that in a long time because of no cohabitating with my wife. The Amazon locker service has been a godsend. You have to order Amazon products which limits you a bit, but there are still a lot of options. I don't know what they do in the UK, but I did find this. It might be able to help: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=GVZLTK8D4EBS4QJAIts been nice chatting with you Woori!
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Post by Lily on Jun 19, 2021 22:29:08 GMT
Thanks for looking that up. I wished I read your post before I started. There's plenty of lockers available in my area. Unfortunately I didn't know it was only for Amazon products. I just spent 2 or 3 hours picking new clothes only to find they don't deliver to where I need them to go Very deflating. It was really nice doing it though. Perhaps I'll link to what I put in my basket but won't be getting now I've been meaning to ask - is Alex what you'd like to look like, or is it just her ideal qualities you'd want? I've noticed that I tend to think of the female me as what would be achievable, rather than what my ideal would be. One that I'd look like just using cosmetics and clothes or perhaps by transitioning, the other being if the genie of the lamp suddenly turned up and granted me a wish. It's an interesting difference.
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Post by Lily on Jun 19, 2021 23:17:06 GMT
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Post by Lily on Jun 20, 2021 3:23:50 GMT
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Post by Lily on Jun 20, 2021 11:26:08 GMT
Just a few thoughts I wanted to capture
1) I grow my hair long for no other reason that it's a pain to keep getting it cut all the time. Around 18 months ago it finally dawned on stupid old me to tie it back in a hairband. I've tied it back hundreds of times, but this morning when I did it, exactly the same way as all those other times, it felt different somehow. It didn't quite feel like I was doing it with a man's hands to a man's head of hair. Whose hands and hair were they then?
2) I've read other members on here saying how useful it is to name the female side/version of you. I hadn't felt the need, it was all me, so why name this aspect of myself? However I became more uncomfortable with the phrasing of the "female me" "female version" or similar terms, apart from being a bit clunky, it began to feel impersonal. That it insinuated that "it" was a thing, and not part of a living human's soul and being. To keep this aspect of myself unnamed now felt wrong. She is worthy of a name, and of course she can't have my male name. Woori now doesn't seem quite right, not really matching her, but I think Woori-Mei sounds nice - my original username combined with the name of my avatar.
Furthermore it didn't feel right to see her as just me in a nice dress wearing make-up. That she is a short cute woman wearing her nicest clothes, looking her best, 100% female, the way she deserves to be seen.
3) I wrote a couple of days ago, about how I'd thought coming here would be dipping my feet into the paddling pool, but instead it was like I dived into an ocean. To keep that ananlogy going I'd say that if now feels like two things. Firstly, when I'm concerned, despondent or questioning, it feels like being swept away in a fast-flowing river, but that I know that someone will come along and throw me a rope, or toss me a lifejacket. Secondly when I'm feeling happy about all this - that I'm here able to express all this and interact with other members, or shopping for clothes as I did last night - it's like Woori-Mei has come out to play in a pool party, giggling and happily splashing about in the water having fun, and that maybe some of you are in the pool with me.
4) So I visualised that image of Woori-Mei having fun in the pool, and then I thought that yes, maybe I have let her come out. That while she hasn't replaced me, that we are at least walking down the same path together holding hands. However I can see behind her smile, that she is worried that she might have to go back inside soon. I want to hold onto her hand and never ever let her go, but I'm worried I might not be strong enough, that other outside forces may pull her away from me. I literally sob and weep at that thought.
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